Under The Rain's
Chapter 47—PTSD

A hatchback is parked under a tree in one corner of the market in Sleman. Both the front doors of the car were open, it seemed like the engine was deliberately shut off. Two men were seen talking inside, joking and exchanging jokes.

Erin held Reva's arm up and walked towards the car. It was a surprise, he said, but Reva knew what her best friend was going to show her, so it wasn't a surprise anymore. It's okay, he didn't need a surprise at all at the time. All he needs is a long-buried validation of taste. A confession and acceptance.

Although both of her legs were trembling, Reva tried to take a quiet step. What he would see in a moment would probably cut his heart, but Reva was already very prepared. In any case, there is a longing that is already unbearable. There is a hope that can no longer be contained. For years he denied the inevitable, but enough is enough. That day, finally a special opportunity came to him, and he would not waste it.

The figure of Reva who was walking was caught by Rafael who was still sitting in the passenger seat in the front row. Next to her, Adji sits behind the wheel, and little Ayesha is playing a puzzle in the back row. It turns out that when the Erin family left for Yogyakarta for a vacation, Rafael also went with them.

“Ready, Bro?” tanya Adji teases her pal.

Rafael just kept looking at the woman who was approaching him without even blinking, then he came out and stood up to greet her. At that time, it looked much fresher. His laughter also sounded normal on the sidelines of his conversation with Adji earlier.

The two souls who had long known and understood each other had finally reunited. They were already within close enough distance to stare at each other intensely.

“Halo, Yi,” greet Rafael when the woman is right in front of him. Even smiling, he was unable to. His heart was pounding very fast when the missed level was no more than a meter away from him.

“H-hello, El .. a-what's up?”

Erin and Adji soon realize that they must give a little room for an emotional reunion belonging to the two hearts. With initiative and awareness and understanding, they finally asked for permission to leave the place, on foot to a clay artisan center located not far from the market.

Reva and Raphael were both among the whirling winds that stroked the leafy leaves that shaded them. The corner they were in was not a crowded place. It was far behind the main street of the market, although there were still people passing by. For that, they prefer to sit alone in the back seat.

“I ... I want to apologize to you, Yi. My actions are far from manly when I leave you. I ... I was too scared back then.”

“Nadia has made it all clear. How about it again. We're still kids.”

“Actually that can not be an excuse for my mistake to you. I should be in charge, ha—”

“Udahlah, El. All has passed.”

Rafael looked at the woman's face fixedly. There were some traces of wounds there, whether it was a tear or a bruise. Whether it's an old or new wound. Not only his face, shoulders and around his shoulder blades also looked bluish.

In the silence of the cloudy morning, the two men pours out at each other in a four-wheeled vehicle whose windows are slightly open at all four doors to keep the wind in. Rafael began to gently caress the woman's cheeks with his fingers, looking at her lovingly.

“I can still hug you?”

“But ... I .. I am married .. I now belong to someone else, El.”

It was certain that such an answer was thrown from Reva's mouth. The woman never messed around when faced with commitment, even though her heart was somewhere.

“Why did you make that mistake? You know how it ended up, ‘kan?"

Reva can't answer. He could never answer that question simply. Not for himself, especially for others. Marriage is based on a combination of very complicated things. The promise lies between hatred, vengeance, emptiness of the soul and the desire to be reciprocated. The pledge is between the feeling of wanting to escape and wanting to find shelter. There is only one thing that is not in the promise, and that is love. There is no love there.

“You happy?”

Another difficult question from Rafael. How could the woman explain that on one side her heart felt very hollow, and on the other, her chest was always claustrophobic by various emotions. Reva can feel everything but one thing; happiness.

“Do you think you will live forever like a gini?”

Reva slapped her hands on her bruised face in several corners. It seems he is no longer able to hold back his taste. The feeling of meeting the first and only love after all the full moon. Every time Reva wanted to hold and hug the man, the sacred promise in her marriage was ringing in the ears. Then, the baby .. the baby was covered in lifeless blood that was in his arms a dozen years ago. Reva really hasn't forgotten everything.

“Sayang .. I can't see you constantly like this. Please tell me, what can I do to make you feel better?”

“If we don't do that, if you don't go, if our family doesn't fight .. if Nadia never comes between us ..”

Reva begins to be unable to control herself and feels very shaken considering things in the past. Again, there is too much “andai” that should not have happened, which makes his life suffer like that. The memory in Reva's head never stopped keeping her from the snare of the past. He has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is still plaguing him, even with years of therapy and drug consumption.

“If we never met, El ...”

Reva's last words left Rafael stunned. No. gabe. Rafael could not imagine what his life would be like if the woman was not there to accompany him in every phase of life. His childhood best friend always manages to make him feel better, and Rafael knows that nothing can make him whole other than the presence of the woman by his side.

Reva Riany Anandita's. Rafael would never be the same without that special woman in his life. When Rafael was a child, he could only chatter calling the name “Yiyi”, anywhere and anytime. His beloved nickname did not change until he was an adult. He was even angry when someone else called him that, because the greeting was only his.

“I make everything messy, Yi, sorry I ...” Rafael grabs both of Reva's hands still lying face down, then clasps them tightly. “Just because I was a coward, I made you experience it all.”

“I can't say that now .. I'm not strong ...”

Raphael wiped away the shedding tears from the two corners of the eye, which began to wet Reva's pale face. The eyes were very beautiful, but the glint of fear never went from there. The two manics always looked teary, and my eyelids seemed unable to keep the spy from the shadow of the trauma that always haunts. His eye bags also looked black, somehow he stayed up every night because the voices in his head kept bothering him.

Raphael promised that he would heal his wounds. He knew he was responsible for everything.

“Yi .. about our child—”

“Please! Please ... don't discuss it .. please don't ever discuss it again ...”

“He helped me get better, Yi. Almost every day I come there. Walking practice, and I keep talking to him ...”

It was Rafael's turn to feel the heat in his chest. All the words that have been neatly arranged since yesterday suddenly collapsed. All the things that were about to be conveyed to the woman were stuck in the throat. His voice began to sound raucous, and the recesses of the eyes near the trunk of his nose became very painful. He really needed to catch his breath to keep talking to Reva in the midst of the storm.

A few weeks before Rafael decided to travel to Yogyakarta, Vienna finally gave the diary, because his son kept asking about the whereabouts of Reva. Really, the contents in the notebook really made Rafael go crazy. He locked himself in a room for days, not wanting to eat, let alone interact with others. The man was hospitalized until a week later. As his condition improved, the first thing he did was look for the tomb of his late eldest son. From then on, she visited every day to cry for hours.

“Yi ...” Rafael continued his outpouring of heart. “If I have to dream like you, ‘andai’ I only have one," he explained. "When time can be turned back, there is nothing more I want than to live with you two, you and our son ..”.

“Toooooo, El! You arrived late once ..”

“I know, Yi .. eat it I don't like to dream, because it hurts. That's never gonna happen. I just want to fix everything.”

“Cannot ...”

“Any way! Anything! You think only Kris can do that? I don't mind dueling him once again to prove everything to you! I can, Yi ...”

Rafael really doesn't care if that last proof will probably take his life. He was determined not to return to Bandung empty-handed. Reva's condition is already very concerning. She must go home with him or die in his hometown.

Pramudya Darsono—ayahanda beloved from Rafael Arvian Darsono— is the son of the original region of Yogyakarta, and he has many connections. Rafael could definitely find a way to knock Kris out there. For Reva. Whatever he's gonna do for that woman.