Wedding Dust's
20. Bagaskara Adewangsa

...Happy Reading......

I wanted to go to Letto. But everything changes direction when you remember how to suppress anger that is too burning, in an instant way. Whisky.

I don't know why we—aku and Nadya—s hurt each other like this. We used to share and give selflessly. Support each other, give each other strength when we are at the lowest point of life. In my little heart, I was eager to hold her, give and pour out all my love for her. But now, the opposite of everything, I hurt him. Hurt Nadya which I should have kept with the mandate of her parents who were entrusted to me.

Tonight, I didn't completely lose consciousness because I just drank a glass of Whiskey—which used to be my favorite in the dark days of—because I suddenly remembered Nadya who was probably waiting for me to come home. A glass of whisky had absolutely no effect on my sanity. It's just that a little dizziness begins to feel when stepping on the floor of the house.

Nadya welcomed me, and I was just indifferent to not wanting to argue or dispute anything with her again, even though in my mind I wanted to talk about all our problems to be clear. I thought everything was fine after I got home.

But, it seems like Nadya does not want to end it. He kept pushing me, but I kept trying to finish him with reason, I was tired.

Like no word of surrender, Nadya continued to attack with the same question that fed me up. I snapped at him, and jerked his hand until he fell down and sat on the floor. Then I regretted that Nadya's eyes started to look teary. No, I don't want to hurt him like this. I just wanted to punish myself for making Nadya guilty and cornered. I kept quiet because I didn't want to talk, and I hurt Nadya. And proven now. I failed to make him happy, I also failed to make him believe in me because he looked happier when he was with others.

Feeling very guilty, I walked up to Nadya's room. Intending to be peaceful and apologizing to him for making him fall. Really, I really didn't do that on purpose.

However, seeing Nadya curled up behind the blanket, my heart was so sliced and it was not until the heart to get close to her. Then I decided to go to the bathroom to clean myself up.

After I finished cleaning up and changing clothes, I went back out of the room. I glanced towards the bed, and Nadya was still loyal to the starting position, curled her back and unwilling to care about my presence. I deserve it.

I realize it won't work if I try to apologize right now. Nadya is bad, and so am I. We were both in a very bad phase.

God, why are we both like this?

My relationship with Nadya, not a drama story that can be paused, then played back to change the plot, then back to play until it can be desired. It can't be like that at all.

I chose to sleep in the living room, in front of the television I just turned on. Slowly, the dizziness that had felt whack on the head, disappeared just like that when I laid my body on the sofa.

Surabaya, school, and park where we used to be together used to attract my imagination to re-review a smile because of our story first. In the park, we often spend time together. Exchange stories, both sad and happy. In the park, we always felt comfortable. And there, all the beginning of this deal was made.

Suddenly, I again had the desire to apologize to Nadya. If he's gonna hate me after this, at least, I've got his forgiveness.

Okay, fine,

I got off the sofa, walked quickly to the room which was already dark this time. Nadya had turned off the main light and replaced it with a sleeping lamp.

I slowly put my footsteps towards the bed, where Nadya was still comfortably curled up under the covers. Maybe he was tired after traveling from Semarang. Perhaps also, he tried to forget about our problem earlier this afternoon and the one that had just happened, by way of sleeping.

I climbed into the bed with a slow movement so that if Nadya was already asleep, not disturbed. I began to secure myself with a slanted position staring at Nadya's back. Idiotically. How can I hurt this fragile woman who's trying to be this strong? Idiotically. I continue to grieve my own stupidity for hurting Nadya.

“Nad,”

I paused, on purpose maybe Nadya just pretended to sleep.

There was no reply, and I continued the sentence that I wanted to say since earlier, although Nadya would definitely not hear because she was already asleep. I regained my position, this time crumbling on my back while cupping my head with one hand.

“I didn't mean to hurt you Samapi that far, Nad. I don't want to like that.”

I sighed big enough, then exhaled to let my weight lift a little.

“Maybe after today, you will hate me and not want to say sorry.

“Nothing. I know, I was wrong, and you shouldn't be sorry I was being rude to you.

“Oath. I don't intend that to you.”

Then, I kept silent for a long time staring at the ceiling of the room that was not so bright. The atmosphere is quite silent, only the sound of a smooth swish from the air conditioner that is working well. Then I turned my head and looked at Nadya's narrow back which still looked calm and not disturbed at all with my babbling which she would definitely not hear.

“I just want to, you don't know the dark side that I've been through alone. I don't want you to see me like that.”

I laughed to myself like crazy when I was thrown back in time. When I was in a dark and dense valley because of a betrayal.

“I—” my sentence choked because suddenly Saliva just slid through the throat. “I, fearing that you will leave me, just like Dinda.” my face is sad. I closed my eyes when I remembered him whom I once loved, just as much as I loved Nadya. “Dinda The girl I once loved is like loving and loving you. There's a figure of you on Dinda, so I can open my heart to her. Long before I knew Hera.”

I again felt uncomfortable, then I positioned myself to the side, turning my back to Nadya. “But Hansel took it from me. They betrayed me.” I continued in a lower voice than before. “And from the day it happened, I lost myself. I fled in a direction I shouldn't have. I'm crazy because after that, I tried to forget their betrayal by destroying myself. Which I never told you.”

I went back to silence to catch my breath that started hunting.

“I just don't want to, Hansel did the same thing, take yourself away from me. Taking the last happiness I have in my life, which is you.”

I hesitate to say the next sentence I want to say, but I don't think Nadya will hear it, so let's just say it.

“I say this, not as your friend, Nad. But as a husband, as a man to a woman.”

I crumpled the blanket that covered half of my body. Closing off a part of my body that stiffened from shivering in fear, then bending so I could reach my knees for me to hug.

“I, love you. Never stay with me.” []

^^^to be continued.^^^