Love Me, Please
18. With her

One tear drop fell unexcusedly as the Vice School Head's room door closed behind my back. The thread only stopped on the cheek before continuing its journey and anchored somewhere.

Another with lightning follows the predecessor.

No, no, no. Fxck, no, Niki! You can't cry. Not here's. These people cannot see your tears.

These leg springs move and swallow a round stretch of distance. Scattered, until of course my steps scattered. My path is getting longer and longer, it feels no longer strong to hold tightness. So in the end I decided to take a thousand steps before grief exploded and scattered in all directions.

To hell with the rules of numeracy should not run along the corridors of schools.

Who cares about the rules. Who cares about classes. Who cares about some stupid cheering squad for this stupid school team. Who cares about school. Who cares about it all.

Who cares about me.

Who. The. Fxck. The cares!

It no longer looks like what's on the right and left. There is no longer any intention to return to class and finish learning today. I no longer care. Just put your feet up to where West parked the car earlier.

I released the wound from the chest in the confinement of the luxury vehicle that Papa had so desperately bought as my sixteenth birthday present last year. One of the items that he thought could patch the empty burrow that was after the mother left.

I set free the grief that tore through despair, ravaging the chest. I once upon a time hit the steering wheel while cursing the whole world of souls. I screamed pain and disappointment that rose with tears.

"Silver, fxck. Fxckfxckfxck. FXCK!"

Just a moment I think tired of carrying the emotional burden. Just last night I emptied the chest space of a heart-numbing taste. Apparently, the world is trying to direct me. This morning he started again.

And to think today will be a good day. What a big, fat fxcking wild.

"What do you want, World? What the fxck do you want from me? Wasn't enough of everything that happened? To the extent that you still want to take what's left? Then take it! Bring everything! I'm tired of you!" I screamed while punching the fist repeatedly on the circle-shaped object.

I continued to roar until the skin of the steering wheel began to feel sticky on the forehead that sweat. I let go of a few more sobs before raising my head and wiping off the traces of a broken feeling.

The car engine is running smoothly.

Me and the Beautiful soon joined the other riders on the quiet streets of Sunset Boulevard.

Ten minutes later I reached Westwood Valley Memorial Park.

The feet automatically step along the neatly lined jirats. Almost all dwellings have flowers as proof of the visit of those who love.

Soon, I was on goal.

Ah, there he is, my angel. I was waiting for my arrival. As always, always be faithful.

"Hi, Mama," I said as I peeked at the top of the tombstone. "You look beautiful today, as always."

I look at the goals of the symbol of existence as well as its absence. Inside the portrait that was attached there, he smiled. A smile that desperately wanted me to see firsthand.

I can no longer control these tears.

"Nikita bring Mama flowers." I put one of her favorite red sunflowers on the rock. "Niki still remembers when Mama explained why Mama likes this flower so much."

I repeat the story for so many times in the wind while biting the lips that began to shake. "Mama likes sunflowers because they symbolize positive attitude, happiness, and strength. Especially for red ones, Mama decided that red sunflowers are what you like the most after you love this flower to Mama on your first date. Mama always said that Niki should be like a sunflower who always stood up, beaming, and strong hearted. Keep growing. Even in her darkest days, sunflowers will always stay strong to find light."

"But now it's hard, Ma. Real hard. Niki is not strong. Niki is unable. Niki's not that loud, Ma."

Berelling already. Finally I could allow myself to really break.

Sedu romp out loud, sedan interspers with no less loud. The atmosphere of the burial place which was once quiet, peaceful, is now turned bustling by the noise of the lamentation of a young girl in front of her mother's grave. He was complaining about the cruelty of the world to a man who no longer lived in the world he cursed. To the one who only has a name.

Twenty-nine degrees Celsius had no effect on this coldness of heart. Warm sunlight still can not penetrate the skin that feels already dead. The blue Los Angeles sky, with no clouds to bother with, is not beautiful enough to be a gray feeling.

Sorry Niki, Ma. Sorry Niki who has failed to be a child who can boast of Mama. Sorry Niki for not being able to be the sunflower you admire. Sorry Niki, Ma.

Tiredness and low self-esteem pull the body lower until it finally collapsed. I curled up on the ground beside my mother's grave, trying to trick myself into pretending that what I was touching was her skin. What I was holding was his hand. What I was hugging was his body.

Not this hard and cold stone surface.

"Ma, Niki misses," I whispered to the ground running down my cheeks, hoping that whatever was left of the mama six feet down there could hear the heartache. "Mama, Niki misses Mama."

****

My body seemed to float for a while before coming back into contact with something hard. But this time something was different. I don't think I'm alone anymore. Could it be that in the end I could really feel the embrace of mama?

"Ma," razuku.

The embrace surrounding my body felt tighter and tighter. Something was said, but I could not grasp the meaning because the subconscious again pulled me in.

Darkness is also pervading. Moments passed until something made me regain my consciousness. Benak was finally able to process the information he obtained correctly.

"Darling, wake up. Its me. Please, darling, please. Wake up's. Come back to me. Please."

That sound.

Kayden's.

Who was hugging me.

Who was shaking his body, and my body, our body, forward and backward slowly while continuing to call out to me. "Come on, honey. Wake up's. It's me. It's me. I love you. Come back to me."

Tears were immediately ignited hearing his voice and words.

"She, shh. Hush, honey, hush. It's gonna be alright. I'm right here. Everything is going to be fine. I promise."

I poked my face into his chest that field. Hoping that the muscles can be contagious and self-reinforcing that is in the lowest point.

"It's okay, honey, it's okay," she said as she stroked my hair, kissed my forehead, and put her forehead over my head in turn.

I know everything's not okay. I know not everything's gonna be okay. But for now, let me add to my long list of pretense actions. Let me pretend to be good first. At least, inside here, in the arms of the ever-faithful boy accompanying, everything feels possible.

Maybe I'll be okay with him.

To be continued ....