When I Choose Silence
30.Determinedly

POV Carnation.

I'm the kind of person who would sit in the bathroom and cry, but then walk out like nothing ever happened. And now even five years have my household trip with Kalandra.

Happy me?

Don't ever ask me what it means to be happy after I'm married, because for years I've never felt that way, but if you want to know how painful it is to be an unregarded woman, come to me, let's have a coffee together and cry together.

But I never showed my sad side to others, only my two friends Adinda and Alenka only know, it was because they accidentally caught me fighting with Kalandra.

Even both my parents and my two in-laws thought our household was fine and harmonious, because in front of them Kalandra showed a romantic figure as a husband.

"Mother, I'm going to school first?" The boy's sweet voice that always strengthens me every day, if there is no him maybe I won't last this long.

I just don't want my daughter to be a sensitive child because her family will be broken home, she's a smart child, never bother her parents, she said, so I want her to be happy with her version until she grows up, unlike the magical nappies of her mother.

My guideline is to let me suffer, as long as my son can live happily, because once my daughter's age, I've felt the happiness of Papa and Mama's affection, and that's enough for me.

"Dear, my dear, a pinter school, yes son, later if Mother has not come home from work, if you want anything to ask the mother yes and do not play out of the house alone, okay Kanaya?" My daughter has to see me smile every day, she can't know that her mother continues to be tormented inwardly every day.

"Why should Mother work? isn't Dad working for us?"

The question that was difficult for me to explain to my daughter, about the birth of a living Kalandra never ignored him, she routinely gave me monthly money, even more than enough for my and Kanaya's needs.

But after Kanaya had gone to school, I felt very lonely at home, where my work was just crying every day, because considering the treatment Kalandra as she pleased with me.

So on the advice of Adinda and Alenka, I chose to work in Papa's office, after all I'm an only child, and I'm an only child, if not me who will continue my family company if Papa has retired from the workforce later.

"Mother must help Grandpa, because Grandpa is getting older, Kanaya is already at school, Mommy comes home during the day, ngak until afternoon, so when you wake up from taking a nap, Mother will go home, Mother must be home."

That was the most fitting reason and did not arouse suspicion from my beloved daughter.

"Okey deh then, don't be tired, Bun, later Mommy is sick, if you get sick later who I play, is Dad always busy and overtime continues every day?" Her babble with pink chubby cheeks.

"Dear, Mother hugged me first, son!"

I want to feel like I'm back crying when my daughter who is still in kindergarten is worried about my health, while Kalandra she doesn't care about me at all, wants me to be sick or even dying though, even if she is, because every day he often came home late, often overtime and did not go home.

I don't know what makes him crazy about work, I don't dare to ask, because later it will only exist

quarrels between us, anyways we have been used to each other's lives, he works all day, I am at home taking care of children, without knowing his activities in the Office.

"Bye Mother." Her small hand made me smile again, her face was very similar to my childhood.

"Bye dear, be careful, Ma'am, take care of Kanaya." I purposely found a babysitter for her, so that I would not be wary of leaving her at home while I was working.

"Yes, Madam."

After taking my daughter away I immediately got ready to go to the Office, because today is my first day working in the Papa Office.

"Where are you going early in the morning and menor, remember you already have children, do not need to be pretentious in style like an ABG boy, it is not worth you!"

I don't know when Kalandra came home, suddenly she was standing in front of my door with the clothes she was wearing yesterday.

"Kanaya had left school earlier, the afternoon came home, there was also the mother who took care of him at school." I answered casually, continuing the makeup under my eyelids, because I had to cover my eye bags so as not to look sad because of lack of sleep every day.

"I asked where you were going, not Kanaya!" He cried out in a stingy tone, that's how he behaves every day, if there's no Kanaya among us.

Even sometimes I want to always be next to Kanaya, so as not to always listen to harsh words from her, but Kanaya has grown, she also has to study in public school, she also has to study in public school, so working is indeed the best solution to maintain the sanity of the current self.

Brak!

He kicked me straight through the door of my room, which made him angry like that, but we agreed not to interfere in each other's lives other than the Kanaya affair.

"Remain all work, huh!" Crashing hard, he seemed to feel unacceptable with my decision to work.

"Why the mother if I work, besides at home there is also aunty, there is the Mother too." I answered with a face that still looks calm, you actually my heart has returned to pounding, not because of falling in love, but because of my fear that began to spread.

From childhood I was never yelled at by my parents, but after getting married every day I always get harsh words from him, and it traumatized me enough in silence, but I kept covering it up.

"Pretend that intention of yours, you want to humiliate me in front of our parents, and consider me a husband who can not finance his wife's life, so you have to work so!" Shouts back.

It turned out that was the reason, he was angry because he did not want to look bad and there was a blemish in the eyes of our parents, but my decision was already round, from now on I will learn no matter what it looks like.

"Not so Kala, I'm just--"

I even always called by name when we were both, other than in front of our parents, I always called him with a 'Mas' to look friendly like a couple in general.

"What money I give you is not enough, do you just want to be a socialite pretender, pretend to be a career woman so, heh, you deserve to be in the kitchen now!"

As usual, he always blasphemed me and insulted me as he pleased, and during our marriage of five years, he had already managed to take revenge on me by slowly torturing my heart and body.

"Why, am I not beautiful anymore and am I not fit to wear clothes and bags anymore?" I asked in a slow tone, even though I was angry and upset, I tried to keep control of my tone of voice, so that the anger of Kalandra did not become more.

"You have the courage to fight me now! put your feather daster back on, go to the kitchen there, make me breakfast!" His impact violently, he even seemed to have defeated the might of the King of Pharaoh.

"Breakfast is available at the dinner table, Aunt has prepared all your favorite foods, you just sit down and Aunt will serve you." Saying back.

"Then what's your use as a wife, huh!" He started to shake his waist with a reddish face, at times like this even I was afraid if he had a high blood attack and finally a stroke.

"Wow.. Have you considered me a wife all this time?" I don't know why I dared to answer him like that.

"ENGINEER!" He began to pull my chin with burning emotions.

"Yes dear." I answered with a smile that I made as sweet as possible.

"Dignified to hear you call me that, you don't deserve to call me that with me, understand you!" He immediately took off his hand and glared.

"Just angry, then if it's inappropriate why don't you just divorce me? rather than every day you should be disgusted to see someone like me?"

"Shut up! do you want to be a woman who always fights your husband, huh!"

"Huft, I'm leaving!"

The word divorce is actually something I don't want to say at all, but this time I somehow couldn't stand it when she said a disgust word to me, as if I was some filth to her.

"ENGINEER!" His shout returned with eyes that were back glaring and neck muscles that had already hardened due to his anger.

"Bye."

This time I was really determined not to listen to Kalandra's orders, because if I kept locked up in this Hell-like house, maybe soon I'll be a resident of the Mental Hospital.

High ego, envy, high heart, unhappy self, feeling depressed, and so on are things that become odd to be able to make peace with yourself.

Making peace with the past is also a difficult thing, but that does not mean it cannot. As long as we have the will and determination to change the situation, any problem can be passed.