Dream Womb
Showdown

I must be strong, I must not be weak even though many times Mas Andre tried to weaken. I needed a channeling of increasingly bubbling emotions in the chest, and this carrot ended up becoming an outlet of anger.

I cut the carrot hard, making it shapeless and irregular. Not just carrots, on potatoes I also vent the same anger. Then kol, I not only cut it, but almost chopped it up a little, before finally realizing that I was going to make rib soup.

This is my way to muffle the words of Mas Andre who always demean. I actually wanted to linger in the kitchen, but I remembered Mas Andre was waiting for my cooking to cook.

“How tasteless is this rib soup? Dilute .. It seems you did not put in the seasoning, Keisya. See this, the time of rib soup does not use fried onions?”

I just kept quiet to hear the word caci maki that kept coming out, as if there was no end to my husband's lips. Responding to it will only create a long debate without end, and in the end I again have to withstand the wound so as not to widen everywhere.

Every day my wounds are always gaping, never seem to be completely dry, never treated, and every day also Mas Andre adds new wounds. Maybe the old wound is festering, becoming ulcerous, and smelling foul. Sometimes I'm sick of myself.

“Tomorrow I will control again to the hospital, Mas.”

“Cih! Not bored, yes, you are visiting the same hospital. See that doctor again. I just said, Keisya. Once in your life, do something useful. According to me, visiting the obstetrician almost every week is of no benefit. When, anyway, are you smart?”

“This pregnancy program I have been living and can not stop in the middle of the road just like that, Mas. Dear because it has run half the time.”

“Hei, Keisya. It's been seven years and there's no result. I remind you again that you may have forgotten. Oh, yeah, one more. If the pregnancy program that you are now running is still fruitless, then you must return the money that you have wasted on the useless doctor.”

I was stunned to hear all Mas Andre's words. Money is another form of our effort, and from the beginning I and Mas Andre have been discussing. Why is he complaining now, when from the beginning he did not mind? She didn't explicitly say I shouldn't follow the pregnancy program.

“Now it's halfway through, there's no way I'm stopping this program unilaterally, while the doctor tells me that the chances of me being able to get pregnant are still very large.”

“You heard me, didn't you, Key? You must reimburse all the costs that you have spent for your useless ham program if this fails again,” said Mas Andre.

My hands were clutching firmly under the table. There is something inside of us that asks to be vented, anger that can no longer be held back.

It might be nice if I just smash this hand on the dinner table. At most the table breaks, if my hands are bleeding or sore. I was trying to hold it until this hand felt trembling, my body was shaking too.

Inhalants. Exhalants.

I remembered the method to relieve the anger. The first time was to catch my breath, that's what I've been doing for years. Take a deep breath then hold it for a while before letting it out many times. I did it so that my lungs would get a fresh supply of oxygen, so that my head would not throb the pain of holding this anger.

“Remember, Key. I'm not messing around with my words, it's tired I feel like I've been following your wishes for seven years with vain hopes.”

“Then Andre wants how?” ask me with a bitter voice.

“What I want, you know yourself to be a wife and be a woman. If indeed you are not destined to be able to give birth to children, yes, already do not ngeyel. Just accept.

The fire of hope should still soar into space because it is still that big. I tried to keep the flame in this chest, but repeatedly Mas Andre tried to extinguish it.

“Until when will you keep trying, Keisya? Until when will you continue to spend my money to fulfill your wish that is impossible to realize?” snapped Mas Andre, making me jerk in the chair.

His voice boomed loudly, as if I was a stupid creature worthy of being snapped at.

‘Iya, Mas, yes. I'll replace it later.’

I wish I could say that sentence out loud. I wanted to prove to him that I had the ability to make money.

However, it felt like these lips were too faint to utter words of resistance. I know the business won't be that simple. Andre will definitely continue to try to convince me that I can not do anything and I have to accept this situation.

“You can't answer my words, can you? That's because everything I say is true, Keisya. From now on, stop hoping because it will only hurt you.”

‘You hurt me, Mas. Those sharp words from your mouth that have cut my heart long ago, my inner’ says softly. Why only in the mind and I can't say it on this tongue?

“Sorry, Mas.”

Again only an apology came out of this mouth and I hated it so much. I hate apologies that just slide without being able to control, even though I did nothing wrong.

It's not my fault that I can't get pregnant, it's not my fault that now God hasn't entrusted the offspring to us, it's not my fault that someone else has children and I haven't. Why do I always have to apologize?

“You can just apologize, cry, but tomorrow you repeat again. Increasing age instead of getting older, but even like a child.”

I bit my own lips, muffling all the poison words my husband spoke. This poison is okay if I have to swallow it. Maybe it will be the immunity that my body will need, so that it is immune to the words of maki caci that never ends to slide from the mouth of Mas Andre.

“Already, Keisya. I'm tired of every day teaching you something that you yourself might not understand. Basic female bebal.”

Mas Andre immediately got up from the dining chair, throwing napkins on the table violently. The man then grabbed his bag and car keys. Without saying goodbye to me, he immediately went to work.

I went back to breathing, holding a heart that kept on churning. I want to be angry and rebellious, but I don't have the ability. I still depend on Andre.