Nyctophile
My honesty

The room that I've been in for months, being a silent witness where my screams echo, my cries crackle, I hate Ares I hate my life, I hate this marriage, I hate this marriage, and I hate everything!!!

I can only shout in the chest that is getting crowded, demanding a divorce will only add new problems, the father will be angry, especially the health of the mother that I still always monitor, he said, O Allah I need your help, please release your servant from this snare.

Tok...

"Zayana, Zayana I'm sorry, can you open the door for a second? Zayana." knocking on the door with Ares's voice calling my name, and saying sorry makes me sick, I don't need any apologies or regrets, I just need to be free without him here.

"Zayana, I need to talk to you."

Finally I decided to open the door, Ares with his disheveled face, after the quarrel and he kissed me, I wanted to hear what the reason was.

The look in his eyes drew out my bead, maybe he saw a twinkle of fear in my eyes, a deep sense of disappointment, maybe he felt that.

"Where are you talking? " ask me.

"Whatever, back porch maybe? "

I moved, after closing the door to my room, do not let Ares see the room that I occupy is a mess because of my tantrums, do not think of a former model, do not think of a former model, hijab-wearing women like me can't go berserk and angry, my cover is beautiful, but when it starts to break I also fall apart.

our steps stopped on the back porch, the night was quiet, cold and dim garden decorative lights and one illumination from the porch lights quiet enough for us to discuss.

"I will speak first" said Ares ahead, while I only nodded.

"You want to go back to the model world? back to work with Aditya? you want the photographer to look back and tease you with his disgusting look?" tanyanya rutu's.

"What do you mean by disgusting looks? "

"Who else? the man who was with you at the cafe and declared his love."

"Robert?"

"Oh, it doesn't matter."

"You stalking me? since when?" ask me back who did not think.

"Here you go, it doesn't matter either, do you want to go back to the modeling world? "

"If I wanted to, would I? " ask me back.

"you want? " he asked again, now a little pushy.

"Yes, I want to go back, but no way, you've taken everything."

"I really keep my pride and limits, sir! " strictly me.

"I'll let you, if you want to re-interact with the camera, just for Muslim fashion, no male partner, and one more thing, one room with me."

Surprised by his last words,

"One Room" crazy one house with her only I'm sick of it.

"Don't look for excuses to touch me more master, I don't really want that job. "

"Zayana, my mom called, she heard from Aisyah who gave birth, she asked when it was your turn, think about one thing, we can't keep going like this, she said, I want to be close to you, I want to get the heart that I've been dreaming of for too long" she said, standing up and wanting to leave me.

"Wait." I said.

She glanced at me with her face that I hated the most, she knew my weakness was in Aisyah.

"What did you say? " ask me.

"On mama?" he asked and I nodded.

"I'm telling you, we're trying, maybe after this year if you don't get pregnant then we'll both go see a doctor" she replied.

" Tell your mama, just tell her I'm the one with the problem. "maybe my answer is beyond logic, but that's what I can't do.

" You crazy? "

"You know, how crazy I was from that night, two months I could only sleep eight to nine in the morning, every day, how I fought with my own feelings, I regret ever admiring you, I regret ever thinking that one day I will get a man like you, a man who was owned by Aisyah, man eyes always full of love on Aisyah, Aisyah, and you know I'm gone, not because I want to, but I can't see everything as I wish, two years I've healed my wounds, wounds that even my mother and father never knew, I hate you with wounds that will not heal. "

this time I was completely crushed, this time the tears I always held overflowed with my emotions.

Those pushy eyes looked at me in shock.

"Zayana, have you ever admired me? you ever ask a guy like me?"

"Before I knew who you were, now the feeling is gone, there is no rest, if you now have me, not all of me, my life, my self will never be whole, tell your mother what I said just now, one thing you need to know, this heart will never belong to anyone, you or anyone else, even Zafran the man I used to love so much, went down together that night, you want more from me, the body? you ready to fuck without love? you're ready to fuck me with my fear that always haunts me, if you're ready please, but then you'll only make me more tormented and crazy."

"Zayana, give me a chance, to get you back, Zayana, I can't let you go, I love you so much, it's okay if you can't do everything, but give your trust in me, start all over, accept all this reality, I love you, and that night was my fault, forgive me."

Ares knelt before me, pecked at the back of my hand, strangely there was usually disgust, but why now it feels calm, O God I can't be this.