To The Man Who Broke My Heart
12. Equal to

“I don't know why everything could be like this, Bang. I think your attention is the same as my other friends' attention. Just like the attention of Kak Raya and Bang Riko. And I .... I don't want to mean anything either. I don't want to exaggerate something that doesn't really exist. I don't expect anything from anyone, Bang.”

“Oh, yes?" Bang Che replied with a fiery voice. His seat was shifted slightly back so he could lean his body forward. I immediately dodged, helped rewind my chair, because with a position that was so he had invaded the personal space I had. "Your son said that you don't want to expect anything from anyone. What else, huh? And now you want to say that I shouldn't expect too much from you, too, right? Da? And you want to say that my attention means nothing to you? That too? Just so I know, yeah, everything I do is special for you, Kay. Let me change the position of Harris damn that traitorous bastard in your heart!”

Oh, no, he is not! He didn't just say things like I thought, did he? He didn't just say what I heard, did he? My blood started to boil. I knew what he said was true, that Harris was indeed a bastard, he had indeed betrayed me, but that did not mean that others could say he was as good as they were in front of me! Even though I've been hurt, I somehow still feel protective of that man. However, I did not show my pride in front of Bang Che. Not because I didn't dare, but I knew it wouldn't do any good. Bang Che would still do and say whatever he wanted.

More or less his attitude was the same as shown by Harris who he just said damn and bx jerk it. My attention was diverted from the thoughts that were inside my head and the feeling that was stirring in my heart to Bang Che by the grunts he was doing. I can't believe he just let out a breath like a bull going berserk.

Hm. Or maybe he and the bull have a resemblance now.

“I'm surprised by you, Kay," he said again, ignoring the situation around. I don't care about the tornado that's going on inside me. "What's the harm, anyway, if you accept me to be your girlfriend, huh? I'm sure you won't lose anything if we date. I have everything, too, Kay. What do you want I can give you."

Engg, what? Just now I was sure he meant to flex, but why would it even make me lose the same feeling as him, huh? After all, not really if you want to show off the same treasure from parents.

Sorry, Bang. You just lost the last bit of respect I have left for you.

"I'm gonna make you happier than that bastard ever did. Not hard to be sure. Aye, right? Now it's clear what you should do. Accept me. And you just have to say yes to the people who are about us. Yes, we are. There. Done. What's again? You should be thanking me for everything I've done for you. You shouldn't have to think long enough to accept me as your girlfriend.”

Yeah, right.

I nodded once, smiled with my lips closed, and took a breath before chiming in on that really long Bang Che remark. “OK. So I mean Brother, Brother wants to say that I do not agree with this brother's wishes, I am the same as a person who does not know thank you, so? I just have to say yes to the girls who like the lyrics and whispers of me? Yes what, Bang? Yes, if I only benefit Brother to be my escape? Yes, if I'm tempted brother so I can move on from the guy who many times Abang katain bxjak it? Yes, if I'm really cheap because I recently broke up from Harris I've been dating again with Brother? Yes, if actually the reason for our breakup was because I was nervous? Yes it is, Bang?” I can't control myself anymore, my tone is getting colder. The heart that I had tried to sew was now torn apart again. Not for the same reason, but it hurts more now. It feels like the sewing thread in a wound that has not been dry is taken forcibly, the shreds are now getting worse. Bloodier. Unspeakingly painful.

“No, Kay! That's not what I meant! I mean it, I love you.” No, no, no. I won't take what he says. I'm just going to let those words get into the right ear and out in the left ear. That's if those words don't turn around before they reach my ears.

I really don't have any idea why Bang Che still wants to tear me down. His originally high tone had softened by now. However, otherwise. My heart has been broken. Obviously already. I don't want to fall into the same hole twice. “Thank you very much for your attention and time so far. I'm sorry I can't be what you want.” After that, without ba bi bu, I immediately got up from my seat and passed.

****

I actually wanted to quote a little bit of the language of Ibn Hazm El Andalusy in his book "Under the Shade of Love" that I had read. However, I don't really remember exactly what he wrote there. So, I'll try to explain it in my own words.

In the first chapter of—if I am not wrong, yes, he once discussed the essence of a thing that is most liked by humans, namely love. It is something like this; love is really a feeling that resides in our deepest soul. Feelings that exist because it comes just like that or it could be that someone is in love because of a “beca”. However, the love that grows for this reason is usually not eternal. This kind of love will float at the same time with the “sebab” it. It can be said that if a person loves us for a certain reason “”, the love he has will turn away from us along with floating “a certain reason” that made him fall in love since the beginning.

My memory of this made me recall the feelings I had for Harris or vice versa. Is this how Harris feels about me? Does he love me for a reason? What exactly is that reason? Did he ever really love me, love me for who I am? If not, does he ever love me? Did he ever mean it even just to like me?

There are so many questions that end up in the brain. The questions I know I will never meet the answers, the questions that exist in this world just to be them; the questions without answers. Or, is there a chance for those answers to become clearer as the time that "she said" would heal my wounds passes?

To be continued ....