To The Man Who Broke My Heart
36. What's Up With Them

Even after getting home, cleaning up, eating dinner, gathering with family members, not a single bit of Roni's words moved from the mind. It seems that the impact even got worse, now the disturbing feeling of the burden of thought spread to the feeling in my chest.

I need fresh air.

Right about now.

I turned around and walked outside, towards the back garden chair of the house.

Deep inhal.

Slow exhalation.

Again.

Again.

Again.

They’re still there.

A few minutes of sitting under his light, the sky and the stars raised many questions for me. Is my heartache still that bad? Have I really broken down? Am I wrong to equate all men with Harris and Che? Will I end up alone? Or is there someone who will heal my wounds? Who is that guy? Will I be ready when that guy comes?

And, among all that, the biggest question is; why has my race become so chaotic like this?

At the bottom like this, even the smartest or richest person in the world can be attacked by a sense of inferiority. They will doubt his abilities, lose his confidence, feel helpless. And at this moment, all they needed was someone to listen.

The person sitting beside them, who would patiently listen to everything they told, hugged them and said, “There is no harm in being sad now, she said, because after this everything will be fine.”

“The stars are good, Dek.”

I turned my head and next to me was already seated Bang Rian who said while still looking up at the sky. It always reminds me of the childhood memory, where my two brothers would invite me to look at the stars of this park they would roll out mats and the three of us lay down, he said, looking at the sky full of mystery and beauty at the same time. They'll tell me the names of the stars, but they're obviously their imaginary names. Uh. I long for the times when all we have to worry about is Bang Rian's ignorance of me and Bang Bian's overprotective.

Now Bang Rian certainly did not intend to punish his sister. He did not take his eyes off the sky above. “If you become a major in astrology, surely you can explain to Abang bintang what is up there. The truth this time, not a lie like we did first.”

I rolled my eyeballs. Bang Rian could have just laughed at him. “Astronomy, Bang.” I corrected, or rather got into the Betmen trap he had set up.

“Oh? I'm changing, huh? Since when?” the question was clashing with a sinless pretentious face.

You giant sok joking.

A moment of silence covers. The two of us sisters then chose to both enjoy tonight. “Bang.” I finally broke the silence.

“Hm.” Bang Rian replied, but his gaze was still devouring the sky view that was always extraordinary. I'm sure he deliberately didn't take his eyes off me.

“Is it okay for me to feel this way?” I looked up at the sky without looking at him.

"This way how does that mean?” Bang Rian took a quick glance at me before looking back at the creation of God and Power.

“So we went with Roni. At first she teased me because I brought Genta, told her I was a good fit for mother." I stopped the story until there.

There is silence again.

"Continue?" Bang Rian encouraged me to continue.

"So he told me it was time to open my heart again, Bang. He also said that men aren't all assholes like Harris and Che." I quit again.

"You know he's right, right? Roni though not funny like that, but if you say sometimes there is a point too."

“What questions?”

Still looking at the sky, I let go of everything in the brain. “Why do I feel like a gini after what is said to be the same Roni, Bang? Is my heart still hurting? Have I still not moved on, huh? So, all this time what am I doing that means nothing?” My voice was flat, sounding lifeless. Exactly what I feel in here. Although there are so many feelings mixed and stirring my heart, I feel too tired to serve them. Already, I don't know, one or two years I've been out of town, but just because a little confrontation from Roni made me fall into this endless rabbit hole.

I. .. I just want to live in peace. I just want to give up. Can, right? “Kayra was not yet able to sincere what had happened, Bang. My heart still hurts if I remember Harris or anything related to him. I'm still pissed off by Che.” I exhaled a long breath. “During this it turns out Kayra only managed to escape from reality, from things related to them. But, Elyn forgot that the most important thing was .. face it.”

I looked at Bang Rian. Worry was clearly visible from his facial water, but he still gave the sweetest smile to encourage me. “Kayra is afraid of not being able to give all that, Bang.” I confess with my head shaking. “Kayra is afraid that she cannot move on. Later if anyone wants to decetin Kayra but I'm not ready, how? If I move on later no one wants to be with me, how? If I get hurt again?” Tears welled up, I looked up to the sky again hoping they didn't fall now.

Silence arises.

“Dek.” Bang Rian called out to me after some time passed in silence.

I looked at him.

Bang Rian then held onto my shoulder with both hands. “It’s okay to be scared, you know. To feel sad, hurt, confuse, because these emotions make you human. Although you are beautiful like an angel, but you are still human, Dek. People who have feelings. And you can feel all that. You have no doubt about this.”

Bang Rian in Kalakian lowered his head so that our eyes finally aligned. “But, remember; God didn’t make the universe from only one shape. Look at these leaves, ever found two leaves that have exactly the same shape? Or the exact same color? Pattern?”

I'm shaking.

“Even from the same tree?”

I shook my head again.

“That’s because they only shared name, Kayra, not the form.” Bang Rian smiled gently. “And so does men.” Bang Rian cleared his throat, then embraced me. "Indeed there are a lot of dickhead guys out there, Dek. But that doesn't mean all men are assholes. Yeah, well, at least not a hundred percent asshole. It's okay, too."

Without hesitation I then leaned my head on his broad shoulders.

“Abang angry with them because it hurts you, Dek, you have no idea how much. But,” Bang Juno emphasized the word but, while squeezing my left shoulder, “Abang will be more angry if you do not want to escape from their shadow. They don't deserve your time that long. They definitely don't deserve that much attention. It’s been, what? A year? Two?"

Almost two years. Twenty-four months. Seven hundred and twenty days. Seventeen thousand two hundred and eighty hours. Waw.

"Enough, Deck. Now is the time to think about yourself. To let go. To embrace your brightest days. To find the right man. Enjoy your own life. Your only chance of life.” Then he squeezed my shoulder. “Dek, you can't change anything that has happened, but you still have control over your future. You can still choose what you want, what you want to achieve, who will be around you. The pain is there, Deck, but it's not eternal. Because there will be happiness afterwards. All you have to do is face the pain. Because I believe God is not in vain. Consider it all a test in life. And after you graduate, there will be happiness as a gift. You have to trust Brother.”

I'm nodding.

Bang Rian kissed my hair.

I turned around and buried my face in my brother's chest. My hands wrapped around her waist tightly. Bang Rian without hesitation hugged me back.

"There is one quote that you like very much, out of whom, you forget. Sentences like this. Ignore the pain or you'll never be happy."

I could feel his head up and down moving like it was nodding over my head.

"A really bad chimney, right? But truer words had never been spoken."

Jamb.

Simple yet deep.

Ignore the pain or you will never be happy. Remember that, Kayra.

Then, in the end, the cry that I had been holding broke already.

To be continued ....