After Two Decades
About Dad

I was in the fourth grade of elementary school. A child, still an innocent boy who did not know how to fight. I walk home from school. Down the sidewalk of the city streets that are not as crowded today. The city is not as big as it is today. There were not many skyscrapers at that time, still a matter of fingers. The city was also still the capital of the country, which was later moved to the opposite island ten years later. I walked the road alone. Bringing home an upset, a bruised face and an injured arm. Today was bad enough for me at school. Hordes of bad boys fuck me. I am not willing to fight them. But in the end, I was their moon. Jan didn't go to school today, so nobody helped me. I'm not crying. I never cry because I am sick, because I am sad, or because I am afraid. In my mindset, crying is a shameful thing that only men do. Therefore, no matter how sad I am, no matter how sick I am, I always refrain from crying. And yes, I never cried again except when I was a baby. I vent my sadness by locking myself up. Feel body pain by resting. And vent my resentment by beating up everything I could hit. Kick everything I can kick. Killing anything until my anger is gone. Which would be the reason why I love to fight. Studying martial arts and paying the full price for all the bad boys' treatment of me. By studying martial arts, I was able to vent my resentment and anger in a beautiful way.

At that time, I had not yet learned martial arts. Don't know shit yet. That's why, as a form of my annoyance with what I experienced at school that day, when I got in front of my modest house, instead of saying hello, I slammed the wooden door until it thumped. I entered with silence. Take off your shoes and throw them behind the door. Immediately enter the room, throw a bag, take off my elementary school uniform and then land the body on the mattress. Staring at the ceiling of the room, silent feeling the pain all over my body for a few minutes. Then I got up and stepped out. My house is so quiet. Dad was busy with his work at the office, before the new twilight he was going home. While I was usually accompanied by Bi Yuri, a housekeeper. However, this afternoon I could not find myself in any corner of the house. I've been looking around calling, but it's still invisible too. I'm flustered. This frail body full of wounds began to feel hungry, while I did not know at all how to cook. Let alone to know cooking, the stove table alone is taller than me. My body is short and tiny. However, in this tiny body I hold a lot of sadness and pain. There are a lot of scars on my body. More wounds in my heart. And that day, the wound grew again. As I continued to be confused looking for Bi Yuri, the house bell at the front door chimed loudly. The heavy and hoarse voice of a man was heard calling my name from outside. The thing is, it's not my dad's voice. I didn't recognize whose voice it was, but the man knew my name. Who her?

I ran from the kitchen. Rush to the front door. That door hasn't been closed since I walked in. There was a middle-aged man whose face resembled that of a father. His face was gloomy and dim, there was no pleasant expression at all. I barely recognized him before I finally remembered, he was Om Sunaryo, the younger brother of my father. As soon as I arrived, he suddenly hugged me tightly. I was shocked and didn't understand. I'm flustered. Om Sunaryo's face was so radiant with sadness. I looked at him curiously. What's the matter?

"Ren, strengthen your heart, boy! I know this is very painful for you. Strengthen your heart!" said it. I'm getting curious. Whatdoes thatmean? Why me?

"Keep your heart together, boy! Dad ...."

Daddy's?

"Dad ... Dad died, son!"

Holy hooch! I can't believe this. I jumped out of my arms. Screaming hysterically loud. Becoming out of control and raging in an uncertain direction. Calling dad. The wounds on my body can be sustained, but not for this. I couldn't hold back, my tears spilled. I finally roared. Crying so badly. I forgot my own principles.

Dad, I'm a little daddy. I'm ten years old. Still don't understand the world. You left without teaching me about the world. This is not fair. Dad, go too hastily. I don't know mom enough. Growing up without a mother. Mom left just as I came. My mother died while trying to give birth to me. I never saw my mother's face, heard her voice, and felt her affection. Now, I'm ten years old, Dad's been following me. What the fuck, God?

At that time I was really sad. One of the most painful sorrows in my life. If I could choose, I'd rather be beaten up by a schoolboy for hours without fighting back to the brink than lose my father. I can't take it one bit. It really broke my heart to the point of breaking. For days I locked myself in my room. Not eating, not taking a shower, not going to school, not doing anything. I locked myself in a room a long time ago. My sadness made me lose control. I'm angry at everyone. Searching for objects to blame. I even cursed Jantoro, my best friend, who came to comfort me. Many times I was persuaded to leave the room, but I remained reluctant. Heart's broken. Keep shutting yourself up without any purpose or hope. Until finally I lay unconscious with a body without energy because it had not eaten for days. Already my body is tiny and weak, plus it does not eat for days, no matter what it becomes. I was unconscious. He was taken to the hospital and treated for several days. Every sleep I kept on delirious to call dad. It took me weeks to figure this out. To finally get used to living without a father. To finally accept god's word. Even though I remember it, it still breaks my heart over and over again.

***

Suddenly my eyes opened. The room was so quiet. Just the air conditioning sizzle that goes off. I woke up from sleep shocked by the sound of the phone shaking. I snorted in annoyance. I dreamt that again. A sad story from when I was a kid. When I was ten years old. Sad story when my father was gone forever. I bowed, sighing in annoyance.

I was sitting at my desk, in my private office, the headquarters of the Corps. Masadepan. I've been coming home from Jan's house since a few hours ago. I came home from there with a valuable lesson. Jan has made me think a lot. Now I fall asleep exhausted at my desk after forcing myself to work on this document late into the night. With that many minded head, I finally fell asleep and was thrown into that sad story again in a dream.

Now that I've woken up, I'm leaning my head that's a little throbbing. Still in the shadows of the incident, suddenly tears flowed I could not resist. I hate to cry, but I can't help it. The death of my father, is one of three things that have rendered me powerless to endure tears and tears. Fortunately, I was alone in the room. No one's watching me. I cried without a sound.

Then I glanced at the clock, it was past midnight. I wondered if I was going home or not. Or am I just sleeping in my office until morning? I'm rattled. While my computer screen kept on. In that confusion, suddenly I heard the door of my room on tap.

"Who?" I asked lazily.

"Dign." I heard the voice of a woman.

Hadni's? Why would he come here blind nights, it's early even. Why he hasn't come home yet. Hadni is my secretary. He's been on duty for months. Though I have begged Mr. Roy, the director of the company, to change my secretary to be held by men only. However, he insisted that Hadni be my secretary. I was very reluctant to work with a woman. It's uncomfortable. As a result, I often work on documents and others alone without his help. The Anti-Conflict Special Team that I lead, consists of a whole male staff. Only this Hadni, who was a female member and secretary anyway.

"Lake in!" finally said.

A girl who was more or less tall than me appeared from behind the door. He's coming to me right away. This girl is pretty. That's all I know. I can't say any further because I rarely even notice. If I'm not wrong, he's always watching me. I don't know how I feel, but this girl always cares about me more than just a secretary. And I'm so worried about that. This is also one of the reasons why I am lazy to be in the office.

This girl came straight to my desk.

"Because you're not home yet, sir!" the answer.

"Don't call me, father!" my firmness. Hadni is my age. Not older and not younger. Besides I feel uncomfortable being called father, so I apply to my entire staff to call me enough with Ren's greeting. Because they are no one whose age is really far below mine. Even though Mr. Roy says this as a formality, I am still not comfortable being called father. At my age, I should have been a father.

"Ba–well, sir, uh, Ren!" nervous answer.

"Why are you waiting for me to come home?" ask again.

"I see you're exhausted, Ren!" answer Hadni. "You forced yourself to do the report, when you could have told me to do it. You fell asleep, I didn't let your heart wake you up. I'm waiting outside. It turns out you woke up, so I suggest you just go home for a break. Let me continue with the report!"

"No, I can finish this on my own. You go home to rest, it's early." I answered while staring at the computer screen. There is still a lot I haven't finished. I doubt I can finish it tonight with these heavy eyes.

"Come on, Ren," said Hadni. He shifted and sat down to a bench on the edge of the wall, glancing at me seriously. "You're tired, you never stay in the office every day. Go here and there, let me do it and you go home!"

God, this girl really sucks. However, I was lazy to linger arguing with him in the middle of this blind night. I choose to surrender. I took a deep breath with a bad breath.

"All right!" I moved from my position. Staring at his face with an expression like asking, are you satisfied? So the girl also moved from her position with a happy face. I honestly don't understand this girl at all. Although I honestly don't understand about any girl. He was sitting in my chair earlier. While I'm tidying up my stuff on the table.

"All right, you do everything. Tomorrow morning should be over, all!" I insist with emphasis at the end of the sentence. Hoping he would feel upset and regretted having offered to do the task.

Instead, the girl smiled succinctly. He said, "Happy, Ren!"

I was stunned for a moment, but, ah come. I don't have to think about it. I grabbed my phone and then sauntered out of the room.

"Oh, yes, Ren!" said Hadni suddenly.

I stopped walking right in the doorway, but did not look back.

"That's outside, in the side chair, there's food for you. I brought it for you earlier, but you arrived late and went straight to work."

"I've eaten, Hadni!" ketus. I stepped out indifferently.

"At least bring it home for your breakfast later in the morning!" hadni half shouted.

I didn't answer. The food is in the chair. I just went through it. I'm not interested. Did I hurt Hadni like this? I don't know. Care what I am. That night I went home.

Wait a minute, I woke up because my phone was ringing. Who's calling. I was in the parking lot, ready to ride a motorcycle. I reached into the bag to take out my phone. Visible column missed calls. His name is, Om Sunaryo.

About Sunaryo? What's he calling me in the early hours of this day. He rarely called me. I rarely visit him either. After calling, early in the morning like this. Any important business? I can't guess. My head is so sleepy. So I decided to go home and ask about it tomorrow.