After Two Decades
Hate, Trauma, and Regret

That morning I ran my motorcycle fast. Bringing up a sense of uneasiness throughout the journey. Bringing a sense of resentment, annoyance, and misstep right into my head.

The sun rose to the sky at that time. The longer the hotter and hotter. Exactly like the heat of my head being attacked. Rotating my brain violently due to the two choices that tormented my mind. Really messed up my sunny day. Stirring up my emotions and my way of reasoning. But I can't blame anyone either. Mr. Roy, who gave me two options, did the right thing. I'm the only one who's a little abnormal because I'm not interested in being the owner of the biggest company in the whole country where other people will fight and fight for this position. Plus I am a man who is at home to sing without the slightest interest in making love-making relationships like other people. Many unstable children who are only in their teens, pretend to be the most sad and suffering in the world because they never find love. While I was their age when they were newborn, I deliberately ignored the women in line wanting to get my heart. Weird, right?

Will I continue to live this life? True also said my best friend, Jan, until when do I continue this way. Life keeps fighting, but I don't know what I'm fighting for. I have to change. Every now and then shift patterns and ways of thinking. Even though it's deep down there, it still feels like it's controlling every side. One of them, a sense of reluctance to establish relationships with women. Traumatized by past experiences that are painful, annoying, even disgusting. All my life, I've had a lover. People who are not family, but I love more than anything. I would do anything for her happiness. Yet it's just a piece of shitty stuff that I've regretted a thousand times. Every thought will make me curse. I am so stupid of myself. Stupid right. Everything I can remember a thousand times I tried to forget. Maybe I should advise the company to create a technology that can make humans forget the past, so I can freely dispose of that trash completely. But at least, that piece of the story can be a valuable lesson. A piece of the story that I really don't want to repeat once. So I decided to live alone until today, two years ago.

Two years ago, a time when I was a fool. I could have fallen in love with him. On that accursed creature.

I was working in Korp. Masadepan, served as a member of the Anti-Conflict Timsus. Still a member, not yet a chairman. Back then, I was close to someone young girl who worked as a technical writer of the company. My relationship with the girl was very close. At first it was just an ordinary friendship like a co-worker. However, the long security of his nature melted my heart. Makes me feel happy every time I'm with her, just to hear her laugh. Since high school, I've been in love relationships or something. But obviously I don't understand the true meaning of love. At that time I was most just following or styles as I always mocked Jan when he talked about Fitri. However, my coworking girl was different, she had made me feel something I had never felt before. True love is full of sincerity.

Day by day, love grows more fertile and blossoms. So at its peak, I expressed my feelings to her. And as I expected, he felt the same way. My love is reciprocated. We also have a relationship. Couple lovers.

The relationship was harmonious for several months. Indeed, throughout those times, still exposed to various problems and problems. We often quarrel and fight, but our relationship continues. Although secretly, in every quarrel I always kept heartache over his words. I began to feel a strange thing, as if he had changed to treat me. I also often catch him lying to me no matter what his purpose. And some other shitty things. One of them is that he often threatens that he will resign and move from the Korp. Masadepan, working for another company away from me. Of course, I who did not have any sense at that time would beg him not to leave me. That was disgusting once.

The months passed like that. With the progress of the relationship that I feel is decreasing. The portrait of romance at the beginning of the story just disappeared. Contrast with the current situation. Much different.

The end of the month was the end of our relationship. Problems every day. And everything is rooted from the trivial mistakes that are brought up. The mistakes that come from my actions. Either it was my fault or he always thought it was my fault. In those times he had completely changed from the girl I first knew. So drastic. Unfortunately, he accused me of changing. I'm not like before. One more thing I hate about him.

Debate for the sake of debate happens. Still, I will never be right. He always had a thousand excuses.

"You're not what you used to be" he said one time.

"What's not what it used to be?" tanyaku.

"Where is the considerate Ren, who is always attentive to me, who is always understanding and knows what I want? Where to?"

"I'm still like that, I'm still like I was. Don't you feel it? Am I no longer paying attention? What is attention, actually? Is that attention by constantly asking you 'already to eat? already drink? shower already? what are? don't this don't it', huh? Is it just like that? Come on, what year is it?"

"You never pay attention to me anymore! You're just busy with your work, never to take any more time for me. Never is."

"I'm busy with my work, it's a demand. I can't do a job, because I work for you too. Look, right? You don't understand me."

"Give me back my old Renato!"

"Can't you believe I'm still the same? You're the one who changed, that's why I you look weird."

"I doubt if there's still love in your heart?"

"Don't pray for me to change! I struggled to keep up this feeling. Keep trying to find ways to keep love from turning into hate. While you're just busy pressing!"

Less hypocritical what is he?

After days of being crushed by stabbing words. In the final month of the relationship, my heart finally gave up on losing. After desperately struggling to maintain that feeling, God's destiny saved me from the death trap. The feeling fades on its own. It disappears like an automated system. Change anger and hate.

Then one day, I completely eliminated him from my life. There is no explicit word "disconnect" in our relationship, but literally I have been freed from it.

Then one day, I completely ignored him. He was a stranger I never knew. I went through the usual routine, came to the office and worked, but cut off all interactions with him. Abusively indifferent to him. Not answering his greeting. Avoid when spoken to. Stay away when approaching. Delete any photos, videos, or files associated with them on all of my electronic devices. Remove all traces of social media associated with it until it is not left. Even the like buttons I once gave to each of his sends, I destroyed one by one. That's me when perfect hates. There's no gap. He was aware of my change and this time hurt him. He begged me to be like before, but it was too late. He pleaded with all love and sincerity, but I no longer had mercy.

For a week I made him suffer like that. She looks sad and sad, but I was a fool. There is no mercy in the least. He so often uploads posts smelling bad on social media. I laughed watching it. I've really changed, as I wanted to. Turned into heartless evil monsters. And I don't care. Stupid timing. He has every right to swallow any dose of hate from me. All the love and taste that once existed, I did not throw away, but went away by itself.

Then one day, he insisted on talking to me. For the last time, I served her will with great laziness.

"I just want to ask you one thing" he said in style.

"Hmm, uh,"

"Please answer honestly!"

"Hmm, uh,"

"And don't cover anything!"

"Hmm, uh,"

"Is that feeling still in your heart?"

"No."

"All right, thank you!" He smiled bitterly. I smiled with satisfaction. Then he left with sadness. While I laugh triumphantly.

That was the last time I met him. Until now whether he still works at this company or not, I don't know. Never knew about himself again.

That was the most valuable lesson of my life. Life experiences that turned my life into this. Since then, I have hated relationships. There is no woman who makes me interested anymore. No matter how he treats me, whoever he is, it will not make me crumble. It certainly feels fun and cradling, but it is only at the beginning, after the next there is a trap that is waiting. I studied well. I don't disrespect women. Deep in my heart I am sure there are still great women who are truly loving, loyal, and perfect like Fitri, Jan's wife; or my late adoptive mother, Mr. Roy's wife. There's gotta. However, I could never get that on any other woman I met throughout my career. Hate, trauma, and regrets about the past make me deterred and reluctant to repeat the relationship. I don't want things like before to happen again.

Be me single for two years, to this day. Not close to any woman. Even if a woman approaches me, I stay away from her. I prefer to focus on my work. Until when I don't know.

And this morning, I was told to choose to lead the company or get married. What's crazy? Both impossible.