Canvas Aksara
ABOUT THE OLDEST CHILD

CANVAS 15

[THE OLDEST CHILD]

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Panji room room crowded like never before. However, the tense atmosphere also dominated due to the fierce debate between Panji and Siena. The three pet cats Panji to cower under the bed because of fear with the brothers who are struggling.

"I'm fine, Siena!"

Again. Panji called Siena by her first name again signifying that she did not like the discussion brought by her brother. While Siena, hearing her sister raise her voice made her drag in anger.

"A fool knows you're not okay, Aksa!"

Panji rubbed his face and walked towards the door, "Please come out! This conversation does not need to be further," he said while pulling the doorknob.

Siena did not move from her place. He just looked at his sister desperately, "Stop being stubborn Aksa. Don't keep torturing yourself like this."

"AND STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!"

Siena was surprised to find Panji speaking with a snarl. While at the door that had opened wide, Panca stood in awkwardness.

"Ah, yes, I don't know anything about you, do I?" Siena smiled bitterly and asked a rhetorical question. He didn't need an answer, because it was like that. Half-dead he tried to dig all about Panji, but at least he could not understand.

Seeing the increasingly runny atmosphere Panca began to take over to mediate when he saw Siena would talk again, "Na—"

But Siena did not care, and regardless of Panca she spoke again with a stifling, "But, who has selfishly shut himself up all this time?"

Panca was stunned, Siena shouldn't have said that. He glanced at Panji who did not display any expression. Then again looked at Siena who was looking intently at Panji.

"Nana, Aksa, let's talk about this all right."

But as if Panca's existence was just the wind then in the room, Panji stepped closer to Siena.

"I'm so selfish. Where have you gone so far not knowing?" he said in a low voice. His eyes were red, but not a single tear could be seen there. Only the look of anger seemed to overwhelm him at this moment. "If you can be selfish, why can't I?"

"Aksa—"

Again no one paid attention to Panca here. He was still trying to be patient as Siena sharply cut his words.

"Who do you call selfish, huh? You feel lonely? Do you feel left alone? You consider yourself the most injured here? Are you stupid, Panji?!"

Siena's angry. Repeatedly very angry when mentioning the name Panji at the end of his sentence. Why is it so difficult to make this child understand the care of the people around him? Until when will Panji continue to ignore people who love him so much?

Panca pinched the base of her nose hearing Siena speak. His head throbbed with pain seeing that none of his sisters would let him down. Panca's brain is getting tangled especially when he sees Panji's hands clenched full of anger.

"Your family is not just Eksa, Panji!"

"Siena's enough!" Panca began raising her voice an octave as Siena vividly brought up the name Pandu before Panji. But then he was made to lose the word when Panji replied lightly.

"Why should it be?"

"YOU'RE A FOOL, HUH?!!" Siena shrieked in alarm with Panji who spoke in a flat tone. "Did loving Alena make your brain so damaged?! Why—“

"This has nothing to do with Alena!!"

"YOU'RE ENOUGH!!"

Akrinya Panca was unable to hold back anymore. He stood in the middle of his brothers and looked at them one by one. After taking a heavy breath, he then spoke again in a neutral tone of voice.

"Na, stop it. Don't talk any more than this and make things more complicated" he said, turning quickly to Panji, "And Aksa, we have to talk."

Panji said quickly, "No need to talk about anything. I want to be alone" said the boy and sauntered to the balcony and closed the door from the outside. He stood on the edge of the balcony leaning near the terrace letting his two brothers see his back from afar.

"Congratulations! Lo tell him to run away again for the umpteenth time!" siena's sarcasm against Panca who just let Panji go away.

Panca closed her eyes for a moment then looked at her only sister, "Na, we have to understand Aksa's current condition—"

"Lo—" Panca lost the word then massaged his forehead in frustration, "—oke lo have to stop, it's too late, Na!"

Siena scoffed, "Missive? Aditya Panca Batara, you realize that you are nothing more than a coward who keeps running away endlessly!"

Anger instantly overwhelmed Panca as Siena cornered her with words. And his self-denial makes him really angry, not at Siena, not at anyone, but at himself.

Seeing that Panca was unable to return his words, Siena chose to leave from there. He's in a very bad mood. Even when he passed by Father and Mother who had just returned home, he did not stop at all. Mother's question he ignored, Dad's call he did not listen. In just a few seconds later, Siena had been sitting behind the wheel leaving the Batara Housing at an above average speed.

Only then did Father and Mother come to the conclusion that something had just happened in their home. While Mommy goes upstairs to see Panji, Dad heads towards the warehouse looking for the source of the noise he hears.

When Mother found Panji sobbing on his knees near the balcony terrace, Father actually met Panca in more dire conditions. His eldest son who usually always appeared cheerful and full of guyonan, now he met hit the wall of the warehouse with frustration.

It was only a few minutes until Panca was exhausted and fell slowly with a restrained sob. In the tightness that seemed able to kill him, Panca continued to mutter apologies endlessly.

The thing that made Dad stopped approaching his son and just stayed a few meters behind the child without being able to do anything.

"I'm sorry for failing to protect you again for the umpteenth time.... Sorry...."

<<<<<<<<<<<

Father and Mother were sitting on a bamboo couch on the porch of their house. Not to enjoy a starry night like they used to do. Or relax answering random Panji questions like in the past. Tonight, they are being haunted by an eternal.

Some time ago Panca left the house with a bruise in her hand after punching the wall blindly. The boy did not say a word about his purpose. While Siena had not returned after leaving this afternoon, it seemed like she had returned to her apartment. And Panji, the boy again locked himself in his room and missed his dinner again.

"If I don't accept Argus' offer, will our family be okay now?" I dreamt with my eyes looking up at the sky. He remembered when a few months ago he also sat here answering his youngest question that was full of curiosity. Ah, I miss those days.

The mother leaning against my pudak patted her husband's arm softly, "So you blame Argus?" tanyakanya.

Dad smiled bitterly, "To be precise blame yourself for approving the project."

Then the silence between them in the pause is quite long. A busy father dreams of yesterday, putting the various scenarios in his mind until he gets the end he wants. While Mother, I don't know what she thinks with her eyes closed to feel the night wind blowing through the surface of her skin.

"Kids are very fast adults." said Mother with a murmur still in her closed eyes. For a moment he smiled, "But no matter how big they were, their souls did not grow at all. Still trapped in the shadow of the past. And we don't realize that at all."

Father heard. The bitter tone that is so striking from the voice of Mother. And he realized fully, that they were all still equally trapped in the memory room with Pandu. None of those who accept will be a painful loss. No one was able to escape from the screams of pain from the wounds that Pandu left behind.

Those left in the painful trail let those dark chains bind them in the same corner of the past. Losing Pandu is not only about sadness, but also regret and fear. Everything that looms over them with agonizing tightness, makes them not realize that all this time each has been pretending to be okay. And think that time can cure everything. In fact, all they did was run, and unknowingly the wound was getting wide open on the relentless escape.

"If time can be repeated, I don't want to repeat anything."

Father turned his head slightly to stare at the dark gray bead of Mother who was also looking at him. One of Mother's hands rubbed Dad's cheeks, and he showed the hollows in both of her beautiful cheeks when it fell so shady.

"I just want you to know, we've come this far. And I've never regretted a second with you."

Next thing happens, Dad cries like a baby in the arms of Mother. Expressing gratitude to the woman who so appreciates and loves him when he himself does not know how to love himself.

Under the starry night sky with no moon existence, Father let out a tightness in his chest in a cry in the warm embrace of Mother.

While at the same time, Panji was playing a pencil on his sketchbook. With the night sky as the object of his image, Panji sat leaning on the balcony terrace while occasionally looking at the night sky.

His three adopted children he let play around him. They also seemed excited to run around here and there or just bite Panji painting equipment.

The pennant was daydreaming when one of the tiny cats climbed onto his shoulder. Followed by another cat who seemed curious about the sketchbook on the lap of Panji.

"You wanna see?" ask Panji while petting his most puffed up cat. Then he placed the sketchbook on the floor which was immediately surrounded by the three cats.

Panji opens the first page of his book showing a picture of the atmosphere under a linden tree near a ZHS ornamental pond. Then the next page, a picture of the scenery from the top of the Astronomy building that he painted while ditching his studies. Page after page Panji flipped through it in silence. While his three little cats sat obediently.

Sometimes the cat meows, sometimes there is also a play the tail of his friend. Until then they circled enthusiastically on the fish sketch sheet made by Panji. Make the banner stop flipping to the next page. One of the kittens looked up at Panji and meowed.

And because of that, Panji just remembered he had not fed them since noon earlier. Then he got up to take their food which he kept in a box in the corner of the balcony. The pennant offered the fish-shaped cat food with his hands. Then the three cats without hesitation ate voraciously from the palm of Panji.

The pennant pulled the corner of his lips smiled faintly, "Sorry that I'm starving you guys again."