Canvas Aksara
LET'S END IT

CANVAS 16

[LET'S END]

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Alena squeezed the paper back into a ball and threw it into the trash basket next to her study table. Not the result he wanted. Although for others who see the value is more than enough, but for Alena it is still lacking. He wants more and more.

Alena's nails that began to extend through her skin as she pressed her forehead due to a disturbing pulsation in her head. He grimaced softly, then found blood in between his nails he chose to stop doing anything to relieve his headache.

The more days Alena felt herself getting less and less. The more time passed, he also found more gaps in him that made him dissatisfied. And without realizing it, the demands of perfection that his father gave slowly also became a poison that swallowed him in the dark.

His eyes caught the form for some tutoring studies lying on his study desk earlier. The paper was delivered by one of Adimas's men.

Alena's hands clenched, with great difficulty she held back but the anger was swept away as well. So with just one hand sweep everything on his study table fell scattered on the floor.

"Alena!"

Grandma knocked on the door from outside anxiously at the sound from Alena's room. But his grandson did not answer and instead curled up in front of his study table.

Alena hugged her knees which she bent and buried her face over the folds of the arms. And in the second his breath began to sting because of the tightness that hit his chest, Alena felt so need a figure that had long gone before he even had time to see the face of the figure.

"Ma.... I need your warm hug in this moment. I really need my mom to be here."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

The weather was clear this morning. Even the sun seems to be rising faster because the warm rays that have covered the ZHS area at the time of the new hour show at half-seven. There seems to be something good going on today. And that was proven when the new Regan arrived with his bike in the parking lot down while humming ria. Even he took to glass in the rearview mirror after removing the helmet.

"Pff.... Xander, is it only now that you're entering puberty?"

Regan rotates her lazy eyeball when she finds Lucy's presence behind her. Then he hummed again and entered the school building while playing the key of the motor in his hand.

Lucy followed curiously, "Is there anything good today?"

"Why ask something for sure?"

It was not Regan but rather Alan who suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Behind the man Alec and Hana are fighting over Zen's candy. And Damian in the back row stepped lethargic like a lifeless.

"We get our headquarters back, normally it should be happy," Zen said to insinuate Damian who seemed uninspired.

"Do people who have just been eliminated in the first half also have to be happy here?" Damian spoke up while leaning his body against the wall. All his energy was drained away as he lost the piano contest he participated in. Just because he was a few minutes late due to being trapped in the toilet, his name was instantly eliminated without mercy.

Hana who won the candy fight with Alec then looked at the senior pity, "If I must have hanged myself."

At that time Rin appeared carrying several sheets of paper on his lap. With a sweet smile he said a word that was inversely proportional to that smile, "Wait what else, let's hang ourselves immediately."

Damian's upset. Then he looked at Regan with a look, 'I'm sad, then comfort me'—nya.

Regan did not care and walked away from her friends after saying casually, "Sana hang herself!"

Leaving behind the commotion behind Regan down the not so crowded corridor. Sometimes he stops to serve other students who invite him to chat. Sometimes he also helps students who seem to be in trouble carrying a stack of books. Until he arrived in front of the notice board, Regan stopped there.

There was Alena who was silently staring straight at the ranking paper of each generation that was attached to the notice board. For level II parallel rankings, Regan's name is emblazoned in the first order. Then follow the name Alena below and other names.

Regan who knew the girl's thoughts then approached. He gently brushed off Alena's head, "What's wrong, you still have tomorrow to fight again."

But Alena did not react, only staring unblinkingly at the notice board in front of her. This semester is over. Another week of semester breaks will begin. And Alena knows tomorrow is still there. What he didn't know was, was it true that the opportunity would come to him?

In the end Alena turned her head, looking at Regan without any ripples being drawn on her face.

"Do you think being perfect has to be this painful?"

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

A week before the semester break starts, all learning activities will be stopped. Including also with exculciation and insight studies. All ZHS students this week are preoccupied with preparing for the festival which is always held at the end of each semester. All classes actively participate by making their classes attractive spots. There are those who hold theaters, coffee cafes, haunted houses, and various others.

Alena and Regan's class chose a prize-winning quiz session with the theme Science. From morning all the members of the class were busy making posters and banners and composing quizzes as interesting as possible. But, Alena chose to pull away from the busyness by sitting in the library doing training questions.

"Iena...."

Regan appears at the entrance, feeling no hesitation to call Alena because the Librarian is nowhere to be found. She smiled widely as Alena raised her face to look at him.

"What are you doing?" tanyanya while taking a seat in front of Alena. He turned his head to look at Alena's book, "You solved all this?" he asked again with enlarged pupils staring at Alena in amazement.

Alena just glanced at her book without any intention of answering Regan. He moved the pen to write again. Until Regan's clapping in his head stopped him.

"You're great" praised Regan sincerely.

Alena was holding the pen in her hand. Her petals were heavy as Regan's touch on the top of her head felt so soothing. The voice of the man who lightly praised her, his smile that was so sincerely appreciating Alena, everything that Regan did made Alena think again to say that she was alone. As if with all her actions Regan said, she will always be there for Alena.

"Regan...." Alena called out with a trembling voice.

Regan smiled soothingly, "Crying won't make you reproached by the world, Alena. Just get everything out."

And that way, Alena cried bitterly in front of Regan. The man did not comfort her, nor asked her to stop squeezing tears. All Regan did was smile and rub Alena's head gently.

"It's okay if you're not as perfect as people expect. The perfect man never existed. Every one of us has flaws, and all you need to do about them is accept them peacefully. There is nothing wrong with losing. At least you should never lose to yourself," Regan says to calm the tightness that haunts Alena. From every drop that fell from the girl's eyes, Regan promised to replace it with a variety of happy someday. Just like Alena who faithfully supports her limping steps, Regan was willing to help lift the burden that hit Alena.

"I don't like to learn, I'm tired. I also don't like being a Student Council Representative, or a chairperson. I am lazy to compete. I want to play every once in a while without thinking about grades, school and so on. Sometimes I also want to like children who are often scolded by counseling teachers. I want to be a student who breaks the rules. I don't like being a role model. I hate being friendly and nice to everyone. I'm...."

Until there Alena coughed, her breath faltered because she spoke at length in her sedu sedan cry. He wiped his tears with the back of his hand. He did not even hesitate to blow his snot as Regan placed a handkerchief in front of his nose.

Regan is like a sister who takes care of her sister painstakingly. He did not feel disgusted at all when wiping the mucus in Alena's sobbing nose. He laughed when he found Alena's nose red. The girl looks messy but also funny at the same time.

With the remnants of her crying Alena looked at Regan, "I just want to lose my normal life like other teenagers.." she started again with her complaints.

Regan nodded, "Yes, yes."

"... I'm tired but don't know how to rest. Papa is also a time of insensitivity. I used to code even though I've nyicil let Papa understand. I don't like being set up! It has to be this, it has to be that, look, it is! Papa should understand, right, Regan?"

Regan nodded again, "Yes."

"But the past dozen years he didn't understand either!!?"

Regan took Alena's hand as the girl pounded the table furiously. Then Alena cried again complaining her hand hurt. Withholding laughter Regan rubbed Alena's delicate hand and occasionally blew it.

"You think, deh. I've been less interested in what to try? He told me to go back and forth here, this course, join this organization that's what, I did it right? Have you ever heard the reason I'm following it all because of my desire?"

Regan was still rubbing Alena's palm gently, "You said it was because your Papa told you to."

"KAAAN!!"

Alena screamed while pounding the table again. This time he stood up. Sobbing for a while and wiping his tears, he spoke again with sewot, "I'm less interested in trying to be a child?! Please teriakin use toa in the ear of the Adimas, 'ALENA THE MOST OBEDIENT CHILD IN THE UNIVERSE!'"

"Udah, already, yell to your Papa later, okay?" regan chuckled and brought Alena back to her seat.

Alena said then sat quietly. Her tears are no longer coming out. All that remained was a small sobbing that made him look like a child after crying.

Regan just let Alena finish her crying. He thought the girl would continue to nag about Adimas again. But Alena instead looked at herself for a long time with teary eyes.

"I'm thirsty."

Those two words managed to make Regan escape her laughter. He patted Alena's head and got up to buy the girl a drink. As she was about to reach the door, Alena called out to her which made her inevitably turn her body towards the girl.

"All the same instant cup noodles that taste chicken soy sauce. I'm hungry" asked the girl who had laid her head on the table.

Regan chuckled softly and nodded before finally leaving the library area that was so quiet.

After Regan's departure, Alena blinked her eyes a few times before finally burying her head in the folds of her arms and screaming in restraint. His face warmed up and his ears turned red. He stomped his feet in annoyance when he realized his behavior earlier. Alena was embarrassed to die especially when she remembered Regan who wiped her snot. Ah, can Alena be cursed to be Nitrogen? He wants to evaporate into the ozone layer alone.

Still with her embarrassment Alena peeked out from the crevice of her arm looking at the silent atmosphere of the library. His breathing was still stingy at holding back the upset over his own conduct. It only lasted a few seconds until Alena finally flipped her occasionally facing the other direction, which was on a large glass window with a gold-carved wooden frame.

Staring at the atmosphere behind the window, Alena slowly started to calm down. There was a sense of relief that infiltrated his chest after he cried as much as before. If you know crying can make it this calm, Alena will often cry from the first.

Regan's presence makes Alena feel grateful. At least he wasn't really as alone as he had thought all along. So in a feeling of relief that Alena closed her eyes until unconsciously her lips continued to smile even as she had docked in dreamland.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Alena would not be so surprised if only when she opened her eyes she found was a cup of instant noodles and a bottle of cola. But this, it was precisely Panji's face that was plastered before him. Ah, Alena had not interacted with the man who was laying his head while looking at her.

"The banner...."

The pennant blinked once in response to Alena's call. He came back again as a super silent Panji like before. But the ripples of his face were not as calm as Alena used to see. Black circles under his eyes as if explaining to Alena, that Panji is not okay.

"How long have we been torturing ourselves?"

Alena's voice was so slow, it almost whispered as she questioned it. The question is not only for Panji, but also for himself.

"We must feel pain to know how to heal..." Alena spoke again still with a directed look at the dark blue netra of Panji, "... but Panji, can we really recover after this?"

The pennant did not reply, only occasionally blinking. His eyes seemed to have no meaning. The pair of darkly hurried netra was completely empty and gloomy. Makes Alena wonder what Panji had faced before coming to her today.

"Do we still have to defend all this, Panji?"

Alena asked, but no voice answered her. He fell silent as Panji seemed to choose to remain silent. The atmosphere of the library is still quiet as from the beginning Alena was here. Regan also went somewhere not to come back. So that the two men are now drowning in silence.

They were still looking at each other in such a facing position. Still feel at home to stay still for the next few minutes. Until for the first time Panji finally voiced there.

"I do not ask to be healed after being injured. And maybe I should also be willing to be left behind after you come."

At that moment, Alena immediately welcomed Panji's remarks. Not a kind of pleasant laughter, because the implied bitterness in the laughter following his eyes are heavy because the tears are ready to spread out.

"It turns out I'm that bad, yeah...."

And then Alena dropped her tears.

Panji did nothing after seeing the glower in Alena's eyes. He was silent after saying a few words. Even when Alena's tears were shed a second time, she was still unmoved to do anything. Only his voice came back into the air so softly.

"I once said I wouldn't stop at the point you wanted me to stop. But, Alena. At the point where I want myself to stop stepping near you again."

Alena's eyes warmed up. What has he done to such a man? Secretly he felt hatred for himself, he was like a monster that corrupted others to improve himself. However, instead of being fixed as desired, Alena was even more damaged and terrible. The logic that kept suppressing feelings made him a monster figure that was so cruel.

"I'm not a good person...."

Panji's statement made Alena frown. The man smiled in empty eyes.

"I just want you to know, even if you feel yourself being evil at least you're not alone. I'm just as evil, too, for letting you be bound to selfishness so deeply."

Alena doesn't know what else to do. Where else in this hemisphere can Alena meet men with this sincere love? Even he is willing to be evil when the person he loves is also the same thing.

"What's wrong with feeling guilty. Everyone has it wrong. It's okay if you don't feel that way. Everyone has a right not to be blamed."

"Panji, how did you live all this time?" Alena asked quickly as Panji finished his words.

The pennant blinked once then pulled the corner of his lips to smile again, "As you can see. I live like this."

Panji did answer him, but Alena felt that was not the answer at all. As he saw it? Likewhat? Ah, it turns out that Alena is indeed a million against Panji.

"Yes, it's like that, Alena."

He spoke as if he could read Alena's mind.

"I live like a blind man. Darkened. Blank. Hollowly. That's the life I enjoy."

And Alena couldn't help herself from crying. He hid his face in the folds of his arms because he could not see the smiling face of a man he had destroyed. Highlight Panji's dark blue eyes that seemed to tremble so haunted Alena. Surat empty full of despair that made Alena along destroyed with him.

"Panji.." with her muffled voice and sobs Alena called out the name again, "let's end it."

In her tears Alena never knew how Panji smiled at the words he said. One of Panji's hands raised rubbed the head of the girl.

"Yes, let's end it."

And after that, a quarter of an hour later Panji was alone. The man sat by the window, staring out of the transparent glass. Just then the wind blew and the leaves from the trees out there fell down.

"In the end you chose to let him go."

That's Regan's voice. A few seconds after Alena left, the man came out of hiding. He chose to sit on the back bench when Panji came to see Alena. And he gave the two men a chance to settle the tangle between them. But, it wasn't finished like this that Regan thought.

Panji did not turn to Regan who was leaning on a nearby bookshelf while looking at the row of books there. All Panji did was sigh and then speak with a blank look.

"I never let go of anything. But, it was Alena who chose to be free from the chains that had ensnared her all this time."

And that seems to explain to Regan, that Panji still survives. On such a painful area, the man had absolutely no intention of stepping out. Because really, the area has no doors and the Panji has reached a dead end. He's trapped.

As Panji turned to her, Regan brought herself to stand up straight. At that time he did not know, that when staring at the stroke of his face Panji as if looking at the face of Argus who endured the pain of a dozen bullets that rained on him years ago. Panji's memory floated at the time, a time when Argus grabbed him and became a shield for him.

And now Panji sees the son of the man who saved his life. Regan, a dozen years ago he was still a boy who was so impatient waiting for the return of the Father. And what he found was a coffin, where his father's lifeless body lay in it.

Regan doesn't know that at all. He does not know how Panji in silence broke out in a cold sweat when the dark memory pieces again loomed in his memory. Regan does not know how Panji's hand trembled when the trail of pain returned to him.

Don't know. Regan doesn't know. Even he did not know menau when Panji fell to his knees with a breath of sting after his departure.

While scooping oxygen from the air, Panji stared at the door where Regan had just left a while ago. And from there he seemed to see, his self that was left alone as everyone had stepped forward without a doubt.

Panji allowed himself to drown, in the heat of endless sorrow.