Canvas Aksara
NOTHING'S GUILTY

Section 21

[NOTHING'S GUILTY]

Again Panca ended up in the shade of the Linden tree. Sitting there for so long without knowing what to do. I don't know what it is that's become a rage in his mind. All he did was shut up, pull away by himself.

Times like this make Panca little by little understand why Panji chose silence as an escape all this time. Panca felt it, this silence made it easier for her to absorb her regrets. Trained in silence, it's better than running around yelling around. Digesting the feeling of tightness was fine, confronting it though painful was better than continuing to run away.

"It's nobody's fault."

Oh, that voice reminds Panca that this time she's not alone. There were two old friends accompanying him enjoying the wound, drowning in the immortality without pause. They sat with him, on the green grass lining the brownish soil. He was flanked in the middle of those sitting to his left-right.

"It's not wrong to either."

Panca chuckles. I don't know what's funny about those words. Perhaps he also laughed at the flat look and stiff tone of the sturdy figure wrapped in the office coat.

"Much has changed...."

Aaron glanced at the figure he already considered to be that big brother. Although their age is only a few months adrift, but for Aaron, Panca has been cast as an older brother for him.

"How long have we lived, really?"

Although it was not a question that needed an answer, but Aeera who was also sitting there responded with an answer.

"Just count your age, that's the answer," he said as he plucked the grass nearby.

Panca turned down with her knees bent and her hands stacked there. From the squeaks on his forehead made Aaron and Aeera suspect that the lekaki was calculating his age as Aeera suggested.

"Do not know again, I want to say what," said Panca in the end.

Aeera raised her shoulders, "It wasn't that you didn't say anything, huh?"

Panca chuckles. Aeera is Aeera. A figure who never runs out of sense to reply to every word that Panca said. Her relaxed and indifferent-looking carry-over was also interesting. Unlike the personality of Aaron who is rigid and tends to be difficult to establish communication. The restraints on him that can be small because of the responsibility he carries, make Aaron must be careful in all actions including his words. If Aeera would be careless to speak softly, then Aaron was full of caution because he had to sort out the word for word he was about to throw.

"When was the last time we got together like this?"

Seeing Panca who seemed to be reminiscing, Aaron so washed away. As he recalled, the last time they met was eleven years ago among the ruins and debris of the remains of the laboratory fire where his father worked. Aaron remembered vividly, that day he was just silently sculpting. As dawn broke, he saw Panca coming out holding the lifeless body of Pandu covered in blood. Aaron will not forget that moment, where Panca looked so terrible with a body covered in blood. Panca, who was a teenager at that time, did not release his arms from Pandu's body at all. Until when the medical team came, he did not want to take off Pandu at all.

"Last we met, my sister lost one. Now that we get together again after a dozen years, my sister is also reduced to one more. Maybe tomorrow we don't have to reunite just once, huh?" panca said with a glaring look. And from there he also knew that Aeera stared intently as a form of dislike for the words he uttered.

"What the hell, lo?!" Aeera clung to Panca's back head, "The real one, be quiet!"

Although slightly grimaced by Aeera's punch, Panca still added her words.

"Finally, my sister now lives one. If it's gone too, where else to look?" reply without burden. As if it was just a joke they used to talk about. "Yes, pas Pandu, I'm looking for yet to meet. Tau-tau Siena even follow. If Panji comes with them too, I'll go crazy."

Panca did say it with a laugh. But, the glower in his eyes seemed to explain the strange meaning behind the laughter. Panca was obviously screwed up, looking even more chaotic than when he lost Pandu. As the oldest child, the older brother of his younger siblings, of course he felt very depressed. Where he had planned everything so slick, matured and aged by seeing how his younger siblings grew and developed. Then close your eyes after making sure they are truly living happily. It would just be an unfulfilled plan.

In fact, it was Panca who was left behind. His brothers left first. Blindfolded, cutting off their lives by watching Panca fall behind as a loser who fails to play her role as an older sister. Panca felt like she was being made fun of by fate. His sisters who should have walked the path that Panca opened for them, were instead forced to stop stepping by the universe. Their steps stopped so early, even before they could taste what is called life. They left too early, in curiosity of the infinite world they occupied. And in the end all struggle, mountain into one and incarnate into a form of regret for those who are left behind.

"Gue told you, it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault" Aaron spoke of breaking Panca's death. He actually wanted to say more words, but that was all he could say.

And Panca did not dispute Aaron's statement at all. He nodded, "Gue knows. There's nothing wrong with this. It is nature to happen. But, you know, right? How complicated is a human being?"

How complicated? If in mathematics it will be denoted by infinity. The complexity of humans is innumerable. Even more complicated than the codes or programming languages in a computer. More complicated than their own nervous system. Humans are really hard to guess. As with Panca who admitted that all is the destiny of the universe, that no one can be blamed in this condition. However, he still beat himself up with guilt and regrets. Even if he knew there was no point in doing that. But, how else? He was a man born with a troublesome heart and feelings. So, it's not his fault if you're fooled by those things?

"Peach, throw. Breath, throw. Inhale oxygen, carbon dioxide hembucine. It's like that cycle, right, that makes humans live? Easy, right, while you're still on earth."

Neither Panca nor Aeera had ever thought that the words could come from the mouth of Shizuryan Aaron De Fornax. Has the famous head of the De Fornax family been living with the concept of the 'main capital of human life\= breathes? If that's true, it turns out Aaron is not as complicated as it looks.

"If Panca talks about me anyway okay. But..." Aeera covered her mouth with her palm with a visibly surprised expression, "lo who is human with this burdened look, speaks as if life is indeed that simple. Not synchronous..not fit vows!"

Aaron squinted his eyes. His phone ringing rang, but he decided to keep talking letting the phone be nailed to his pants ring nonstop.

"Because, maybe this sounds cliche and old-fashioned. But, you must learn to understand yourself first if you want to understand others as well. If you are too busy with others, who else will care about you? You know, the term 'only we really know ourselves'? You are sick, you are sad, it's yourself who knows best. So, rather than dissolve in things that have already passed, it is better to focus on the future. Starting from a new sheet, love yourself little by little. Gradually you also understand how you must love others well too. Start with yourself, Ditya."

Start with yourself. Dad talked to her that way too. Tell Panca to look at herself first, treat herself before acting to treat others, comfort herself before moving to comfort others. Panca thought she had completely understood Dad's message. But, Aaron's remarks made him realize that he still does not understand. He doesn't know how to care about himself. He doesn't understand how to take care of himself. Panca didn't know what she needed most.

The next thing left was Panca and Aeera and the silence between them. Aaron resigns after receiving an umpteenth call from his secretary.

Secretly as Panca was swept away in her mind, Aeera stared at the strapping back of Aaron who had passed away leaving them. In his heart he asked, has the figure who suggested happiness for others been happy for himself? Answer's no. How does Aeera know? Of course he knows. For sure he knew, Aaron who was in pain trying to understand himself a thousand times but was unable to fulfill what he wanted. Aeera knew exactly what Aaron had sacrificed in order to be a strong shield for their family. Just like Irene, their mother, just like Denada, their aunt, just like her, Aaron has sacrificed his true life.

The piano.

Isn't the blood bond something magical and sacred? The genes they inherit make them love the same things. Irine, the eldest daughter of a Galilean family, was without anyone knowing that she was crazy about the piano. But, he had to break his dream because of the demands of the family and because of the burden of his position as the eldest child. Denada, the youngest figure on the roof of Galilee, followed in her brother's footsteps without knowing the bitterness that Irine swallowed. Denada finally felt the same bitterness and pain, and then he decided to escape the shackles of the oppressive Galilee. And Aeera? He will not be a fool by forcing what he cannot fight for. Accepting his life to walk the way people want and ignoring the desire to emphasize his flickering fingers on the black-and-white keys. And so is Aaron. They all sacrificed the same thing to be able to continue to live and stand as upright as they are now. And it's all for the one person they care about so much, Regan.

"Airas...."

Panca's voice rang in Aeera's ears. He saw that Panca was staring at the river ripples in front of them. After calling him, the man no longer spoke. Aeera saw him gulp a few times, as if he was swallowing back the words he was about to say.

"Followed? Speaking of? The feeling used to be easy, say the officials until we have to run away pursued by his bodyguards. Why is it so bad now?"

"It's crazy, was I?" he asked me rhetorically full of memories.

Aeera patted the man on the shoulder then stood up, "Of, course. Which you like to ask too? Whoa, bad! I really don't realize myself!"

Although his mouth curses but Aeera's hand moves pulling Panca's hand bringing the man to his feet. Panca did not refuse, but did not follow easily. He let Aeera pull her body completely. It was obvious that he could not, so even an irritated Aeera kicked Panca's shins in return.

"Crazy, you?! Yeah, wake up, wake up!"

Aeera flicked her hair back, "That's the same Princess."

Panca replied with a slight bow, "Yes, your majesty."

Aeera chuckled and grabbed Panca's shoulder higher than hers. A significant difference in height makes him a little tiptoe, but he did not take off the embrace and instead dragged Panca to walk. Occasionally he saw the face of Panca who was troubled because he had to duck to adjust high to himself. Panca had never protested that he would treat her at all times. Aeera also did not know why she was so. But the more Aeera came to realize, that Panca not only never protested against her, but also to everyone. Panca has never protested against anyone, especially those closest to him.

Aware of her being noticed, Panca turned her head. His eyes collided with Aeera's.

"Well, what do you think I am?"

Aeera scowled, "I could have had a crush on you."

Panca wasn't surprised, anyway. The origin was thrown from Aeera's mouth, Panca would not be surprised anymore. His shock had already been drained all in their past by Aeera.

"When I first started puberty, I thought I liked you. You see, your face looks a lot better howaaaaa that."

Panca snorted, already going to answer but Aeera spoke first. The girl's hand moved so it embraced Panca's arm along with a series of words coming out of her mouth.

"But the more I come here the more convinced I am. Turns out it's not a sign I have the same taste. I never liked the same, you. Kasian even though you've been baper too, right?"

Panca looked at Aeera with an adversarial look, "The master, I."

At once Aeera chuckled and broke her thick Auburn Panca hair. He faithfully held the man's arm and did not take it off even though they were almost at the plantation area crowded with workers.

"Or-I was just caught in a moment of admiration. I'm amazed at you, who can do whatever you want. I am amazed, by the way you love the people closest to you. Admired, and envied."

Panca laughed lightly, "It's natural you're envious. No wonder I'm about that. But if amazed.... Ra, can I blushing the same dikagumin lo?"

"Haha.... What compassion? Remember gebetan!"

Panca's steps stopped, "Where are you from?"

Aeera shakes her head. He didn't answer. But his eyes glanced as if telling Panca to look back. When Panca pegged to find a figure leaning against the fence while picking some wine, Aeera pressed her arms together.

"Let's see, a war is about to break out" Aeera said slightly whispering as if looking forward to something.

"Will not be in war either. I am not recognized as a man, let alone as a girlfriend. Coded insensitive, you are hot-hot like this is also not useful," said Panca lethargic with eyes staring straight at a figure who is still cool to supply wine to his mouth. True said Aeera, she is the woman who Panca likes.

"Oh, is that it, huh?" Aeera looked at Panca enthusiastically, for some reason making Panca feel bad. And in a split second, a kiss landed on his cheek. Not long after that Aeera passed by with a foul laugh.

"Well at home, same with him. Don't forget to come to my engagement."

So said. Fucking aeera. Panca was wrong. Moreover, the woman's target is cross-legged staring at him as if he was judging.

"Gue can be clear!"

No meaningful response. Even the woman raised her hand as Panca tried to get closer.

"Reta...."

"Renata. My name is Renata. Don't follow Rain shorten my name."

"OK—"

"Whatever you want to clear, and whatever it means to look worried lo it, skip it first."

"Yes?"

"Where's the cat?"

"Eh???"

"Lo asked me here to take care of your adek cats, right?"

"O-oh, yes."

"Take the important first, the feeling you take care of later."

It is in vain that Panca worries excessively.