Become Him
Not about the past

In front of Ivana's bedroom door, a woman waits for Ivana to come out of her room. It had been almost an hour Tuti had been there with a stifling feeling of regret.

“For why are you here?” asked Ivana who was shocked as she opened the door of her room.

“Good morning mistress.” Sapa Tuti bravely raised her face and looked at Ivana. He was too ashamed of his master who knew what he had been doing with Brams.

Ivana looked at the droplets of tears dripping down the floor. Not just one but several and such cannot be stopped.

“Wake up Tuti, I don't normally let someone kneel before me even if that person doesn't know himself like you.” Ivana said with dislike.

Seeing Tuti made his chest tight as if he had been crushed by a large stone.

Tuti did not get up, he just cried as if he regretted what he had done with Brams. If the man had not threatened him, if he had the same courage as Ima and if he would have fought for his pride as Rachel did, maybe he won't feel like he's stripped naked by Ivana's gaze.

“I know, my mistakes are inexcusable madam. I also did not force the madam to forgive me, but this was all I could do. I ask forgiveness of the mistress with all my heart.” Say Tuti with a sniffle.

If he had not bowed to Brams threat, perhaps he would not have felt this low.

“You're right, I don't know if I can forgive you or not. To be honest, I really want to tear you apart Tuti. Shaming you is more than the shame I feel right now.”

“But I can what, I don't even know what to treat you like. What by slapping you my anger will disappear? Or by torturing you my disappointment will diminish? Of course not, right?”

Ivana held back her tears from spilling. He turned his head to dispel the clear liquid that felt heavy like insisting on dripping.

“Mistress, I am not as brave as Ima and I am also not as strong as non Rachel. But I never intended to hurt let alone humiliate the madam. Really, I never once thought to hurt madam.”

“I'm just a stupid human being who has nothing to maintain my self-esteem. But really, I tormented mistress.” Reveal Tuti with a sobbing cry.

He bowed, holding Ivana's leg, begging for mercy.

Ivana doesn't chim. He turned his face away from Tuti while wiping his almost dripping tears. Didn't he promise that he wouldn't cry anymore, for Brandon's sake?

Although there is no justification for all Tuti's actions, he can understand how Tuti feels fear and shame.

“I will not sue you. But I hope, I will never see you again.” Ivana said in the end.

He shook his feet from Tuti's grip and chose to leave in front of the woman.

“I'm sorry madam, forgive me..” said Tuti lirih. He fell down in his place. He was right with his mistake and now there is nothing he can do to fix everything.

****

At the dinner table, Ivana sees Rachel and Nata. The two looked at Ivana who passed by the two without a word. He even turned his face away when he realized Rachel was looking at him.

“Sister not breakfast?” ask Nata.

“I don't taste.” Ivana Timpal. He prefers to go into the kitchen and drink water.

Nata exhaled his coarse breath, he could understand Ivana's current feelings. But he couldn't let Ivana torture herself.

Nata's eyes still followed Ivana's direction of movement back past him and brought a glass of milk. Maybe for Brandon.

“So you want to let that depraved boy destroy brother and make brother tormented like this?” ask Nata firmly.

Ivana's footsteps stopped. He looked at Nata with annoyance.

“What do you expect?" Ivana's eyes look barking.

"You want to see me breakfast quietly, do you? Have you forgotten that you too have been down for years because of a woman?!” ivana's tone of voice shot up without her noticing.

Rachel who was playing her food also bowed. He put a spoon in his hand.

I don't know why her heart stopped beating hearing Ivana's words just now.

“No need to bring up the past. I just want big brother not to constantly bemoan that guy.” Nata did not accept.

Ivana turned to Nata and smiled cynically at her sister.

“Your problems are my past and my problems, only happened last night Nata. A-LAM!”

“You think it's easy for me? I still hear Brams gasping for breath while seducing Rachel. I can also imagine how savage Brams' wry gaze was towards Rachel and how she spent her days touching the waitresses even fucking her.”

“I'm almost crazy Nata. I'm almost crazy!” ivana almost fell down.

Rachel quickly moved up and approached Ivana. He hugged his sister-in-law tightly.

“I'm almost crazy Chel, I'm almost crazy.” Again Ivana repeated her sentence with a lurch between her cries. He clutched Rachel's shirt tightly, trying to hold on.

He failed to control himself and in the end he again cried for Brams. Weeping over the betrayal that Brams committed behind her back.

If there was no Brandon in his life, no craziness what he would do later.

“Sister, maybe the words that you have to be strong will never be enough but, I know you have a reason to stay. At least for Brandon.” Rachel said, shrieking in Ivana's ear.

Ivana nodded softly with a cry she could not stop.

In his place, Nata looked at the two women with a feeling of uncertainty. The more anger he gets at Brams. Because the man not only destroyed Rachel's mentality but also Ivana, Brandon and other victims who had no idea how many people.

Nata was pensive for a while, before he approached Ivana. “Sorry if I'm too hard on brother.” He rubbed Ivana's head.

Ivana just shook her head, she realized Nata's efforts to shift her mind were not wrong. Only, he was not ready and had not found the right time to release all his burdens.

In the end, Nata lets Ivana cry in Rachel's arms. He believed, after this, Ivana would be even stronger.

*****