THE SOUND OF LOVE
I'm (not) FINE

...If I say...

...'I'm fine'...

...I'm not really...

...'all right'...

...In fact, I am very fragile...

...Every second, even,...

...Can be crushed like a dandelion...

...It's just that I don't want you to know....

...***...

I feel my heart like it's squeezed. It hurts, it hurts to see something I probably shouldn't have seen. Cold sweat came out of my body and I felt my hands clenching tightly until my knuckles turned white. I don't know how many times Agas hurt me? I don't know how stupid I am who is still faithful to accompany his days.

Six years I've spent with him and tomorrow is our seventh Anniv. But he gave me a surprise. Always from before. The painful surprise.

It turns out that your love is as sick as we hug the gas cactus..

"Bad Lo Gas" I said weakly with a trembling voice while banging on the pillow and my sobs broke instantly.

I want to feel like I'm backing out. Give up not because you lose but too tired because of your game. I know I'm not the one you want to take his heart for but if it wasn't me, what you came for, what you gave me hope for, asking me to stay and accompany your days. If I had known in the first place that being with you is like hurting yourself, I would have chosen not to drop my heart and trust you.

Sent to Agas ♡

From Calista: Gas. I've finished using your laptop, later in the afternoon if I haven't come home you just take it home, I titipin mbok surti.

That's the message I sent him. I need some alone time now. The memories that still stuck fresh in my head, it was hard to hide them.

Sent to Aldira Respati

From Calista: Dir today set out alone huh? I want to be alone again.

Totally alone. Sorry Dir..

Then I rushed to the bathroom and got ready to go to college.

I exhaled deeply while looking in front of the mirror trying to see if I didn't know. Today I look lethargic, my eyes are puffy and that sure looks sad. Trying to smile a little but still I can't do it.

I finally got out of my room walking down the stairs and into the garage. I threw my bag into the passenger seat next to me and once again I exhaled many times to put it all down.

Then I began to drive my car through the city of Jakarta with a traffic jam that was quite frustrating. To kill my boredom I turned on the radio to fill the silence.

I can shut down anything that was in the past. But when God decided to open it, I could do nothing but try to be sincere in accepting. Life is impossible without struggle and sacrifice, right?

Arriving kampus..

Usually I go straight to the cafeteria with them but not today. I refuse to do. A moment in the loby I passed him. Dammar. Who smiled at me, inevitably I returned his smile weakly and then just passed to my class.

I chose to sit in the corner of the class near the window. Then took the headset out of my bag, plugged it into my phone and stuffed it into my ear. I folded my hands over the bag and spread my head and faced it against the window.

Instantly, the incident this morning was recalled and accidentally the crystal-clear liquid escaped from my eyelids. How to be okay in front of them when I want to pour the contents in my heart.

When I realized that everyone had started to enter the room, I wiped my tears and ran to the toilet and listened to music. Then I washed my face and added a little powder to disguise everything not to forget the lipstick that became the last touch.

You're****** by the way don't fool to crying him..

That's how my little heart whispered as I stared at the mirror. And walk out the toilet to my class.

"I think there's something different about Calista" said Zahra, a classmate of mine who sometimes judges my appearance.

"Different what? I'm the same Zah. The Calista you saw yesterday" I said, replying to Zahra.

"Your lips anyway. I like that. It's a soft red" Zahra said with sparkling eyes.

"Oh this. Thank you Zah, it's maroon red" I replied with a smile as best I could.

And then I walked towards my bench. I know it's not fair to them because usually the five of us sit together and even joke around while the lecturer is explaining but for now I can't.

Avoiding something is legitimate as long as we have a good reason. My reason is because I'm tempering an emotion that might hurt one of you and I don't want that to happen.

Being an adult is easy but thinking grown-up is not everyone can do it. And I think this is the process. Self-possession. Everyone needs it so that their life is not difficult. That's right?

After college I did not go home immediately I accidentally stopped by the cafe that provides reading books such as Perpus, I need something to take away everything I've been through, including this morning, which is still fresh in my memory.

After I received my order I also searched for a reading book. And my choice fell on a book that could be said to be a novel not a book of any science.

Sheet by sheet I read until my eyes stopped on a word..

If you can't finally be with the person you call your name in your prayers,

My phone just rang showing someone's name there. Agas Cokrodinoto's. Since the campus Agas sent me a lot of chat and short messages but all I read because I was still reluctant to talk or reply to the message.

Then I deactivated my phone and continued my activities that had stopped due to a call from Agas.

Perhaps you will be equated with a person who secretly mentions your name in his prayer.

If those words had happened to me I wouldn't be this stupid as falling for the wrong person. But the Love that made me stupid, stupid for daring to enter his life, stupid when he gave me a little attention that I thought was different, stupid because it turns out I fell in love with my own mind, stupid for always hanging hope on his figure, stupid for thinking he will change and love me.

I smiled bitterly at the reality and was disappointed that tried to swallow me in. I realize now. Sometimes loving is like reading a book, we forget to enjoy each sheet just because we are too busy guessing the end of the story. Enjoying? Yes, even though it's painful.

Happy Reading's..