The Untold Story
The Too Late Feelings
- B's PoV--
*Bellatrix Room, Suvretta House, Switzerland:2003*
The love... Why should humans call it that? A name pinned against a kind of feeling that demands its owner to laugh on one side, cry on the other, or even laugh and cry at the same time.
All my life, maybe only once, I've experienced the euphoria of falling in love. Feelings of happiness when close together, longing when far apart, tormented when abandoned. That's all I know about love.
And throughout that experience of loving, I never knew that honestly there was only a thin membrane that limited the feeling of love to the feeling of hate, for I had previously understood that the boundary line between the two was so clear and firm. I never knew that there could be pain with the people we love, because I thought love was all about beauty and happiness.
But.... This time I recognized all those strange feelings and tried to associate them with the name of love. I may be too ordinary about this, but I can't possibly misunderstand my own heart.
Yeah, I'm in love again. This time to a different man. The man whom I have always regarded as my enemy, as the destroyer and usurper of my happiness.
At first I hated him so much. But the deeper I felt that feeling of hate, the more my heart pounded incoherently when I was nearby. The more my dislike for her, the more emotional I get when I see her smiling at another woman.
Maybe people will look at me naive, stupid, or whatever the name may be, but I have to admit that this feeling is new to me so it is difficult to identify it as a feeling of love. I was so layman and my generality about love that it ended up making me wrong to conclude it all.
Till... The saddest day came. The day that the man slowly began to remove myself from his life because of my wrong attitude. The day he said he'd let me go and no longer cared about me. The day I realized that a love statement late from me might mean nothing.
After the incident at the pool, I, who was left behind, seemed to be satisfied with receiving help from some female servants who were there to finish and take me back into the room. Seeing the way he looked at me, I was sure Aditya would not return, and therefore I did not have to wait for him.
If I can be honest, actually my condition is quite terrible. I may not have lost consciousness, but everyone by the pool realized that I actually needed serious help.
The servants, who were worried about my condition, offered to call a doctor. However, I consciously immediately rejected their offer.
Actually, it's not the doctor I need because what hurts the most is not what my body's reaction is capable of. My heart is more wounded than all and unfortunately, no doctor can treat it.
That's why I decided to go back alone in the room. Because I think, maybe that's the best medicine in times like now.
And here I am tonight. Lying weakly on my bed with a fairly high fever, burns around the chest that are getting worse from splashing into water whose temperature is almost near freezing (which should not be done when just doused in hot water), and a very severe pain in the legs, due to the muscles that clot. All those conditions became 'perfect' when I found myself just curled up alone in the room.
Is this karma? It's probable. For just as I had left him alone in that room, I now feel what he felt. Alone and abandoned.
With my remaining energy, I tried to contact the hotel receptionist and ask them to find me some medicine at the Pharmacy. Of course I didn't mention the name of the cure because I'm not a doctor. I'm just saying that I need heat-lowering drugs, ointments for burns, as well as oil to massage the muscles.
I waited long enough for the drugs to come, until I lost consciousness for a moment because the fever demanded me rest. I closed my eyes for about thirty minutes and woke up again to the sound of knocking on the door.
Tok!! Tok!! Tok!!
Tok!! Tok!! Tok!!
Slowly I tried to lift my head which felt heavy. Next to my hand then automatically immediately look for a kimono to cover my body that is only wrapped in a sleeping dress spaghetti rope made of soft silk, which is only wrapped, which I had to use to reduce the pain of burns on my chest when I came into contact with the cloth attached to the wound. I haven't even been able to wear br* because the wound is so painful.
Tok!! Tok!! Tok!!
Tok!! Tok!! Tok!!
At that time my room was dark enough that I was very careful. I deliberately did not turn on the lights because the light would actually make my head more dizzy.
Tok!! Tok!! Tok!!
Chequek!
I opened the door while twitching my increasingly heavy forehead. Little by little, I tried to force my eyes to describe the figure of the man in front of me now, for he seemed to be no stranger.
"You just woke up?" The man threw a word of insinuation at me while smiling mockingly.
"You... In here...." At first there was a feeling of pleasure when he saw the figure of Aditya standing before me. However, in the next second I was disappointed that he was still looking at me in the same way that he had been this afternoon.
"I can't believe it after all your actions today... You can still fall asleep?" The sarcastic tone came back out from Aditya's mouth. My heart again throbbed the pain of hearing his words, but honestly I had no intention of defending myself.
My heart ached when I found out Aditya still didn't believe me. And because of that, I thought that defending myself would actually give her a bad impression because I had no evidence of what happened this afternoon. Silence may be the best option right now.
"I just want to let you know that tomorrow we're moving to Geneva. We are in this city because Maya and since her mother has arrived, we can go straight back to our original destination. Your lover's show will be held in Geneva." Aditya explained his intention of coming to see me.
I had no interest in seeing Indra, after I found out how I felt about Aditya. But, considering that Aditya hated me so much right now, I was afraid that just when I revealed what I felt to him, that man would just leave me.
Especially after everything that happened between us and after all the crimes I committed against him, wouldn't that sound strange to him? That's why I chose to stick to the plan as we agreed.
After all, I think I also need a moment to ascertain my feelings for Indra. I did not want to be rash, admit everything to Aditya, and one day my feelings came back wavering when I suddenly met Indra.
"All right!" I answered briefly in a weak voice, while Aditya just looked at me and gave no response.
"Yes, Maya.... How's condition? Did his mother know about the incident at the pool last afternoon? Does your mother blame you?" I asked again in panic. I realized after all that Adity would be to blame if something happened to Maya.
"You should have thought about that question before you pushed Maya, B! I knew that from the beginning you didn't like it. But, you should be more mature." I frowned at me in a spontaneous response to her accusations and Aditya read that as a form of self-defense.
"No need to hide, B! I saw all the times you pushed him. I was already in the pool area at the time of the incident" Aditya said coldly and of course it ignited my emotions. Especially when I found that the man immediately turned his body and was about to leave after dropping judgment.
A long line of sentences appeared like an unbroken railway in my mind to respond to his words. But strangely, the pain of Aditya's words actually made me say a different sentence, which did not match what I had originally planned.
"Wait... Adityas....." I called a man's name for the first time. Aditya instantly stopped his steps and turned back to look at me with a difficult expression for me to describe.
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Happy reading! There is one more episode for today. Please patience!