You're Not a Figurant
[POV Alex] Ch 37 - Heartache & Disappointment

I repeatedly persuaded him, but Khansa remained indifferent. It was as if he thought I didn't exist. I did various ways to attract his attention, but still did not get a response from him.

Khansa's attitude like that disappointed me a little bit. I miss him so much. I hope to get a warm welcome. I thought Khansa might miss me a little too, but the truth wasn't like that. Khansa looks cold and keeps her distance. What exactly is my fault?

Although the response was cold, I still tried to take her heart. Doing little things that might make him happy and willing to forgive mistakes I don't know.

That day I drove Khansa to do a gynaecology check up. The good news is that there are no problems with the content. Alkha grows healthy and strong. Jagoanku kept his promise, not to fuss and trouble his mother.

The bad news is that we are forbidden to have sex first. This news certainly disappointed me. Touching Khansa was a primary need for me. I just need air to breathe. The figure of Khansa is that important to me. Imagining not being able to touch her for the next few months left me deeply tormented, yet I had no other choice. If I want my wife and child to be okay, then I will do anything including if I have to refrain from touching my dear wife.

***

That day there was a quite embarrassing and painful incident. When I made milk for Khansa, the body parts of my pride were doused in hot water. I hope that *my future* it will be fine.

But there is a positive side to the incident. Because of that, Khansa is no longer indifferent. That woman worries about me. At least I know there's still a little bit of attention for me.

I think Khansa is no longer angry with me and forgives mistakes I don't know. I think everything's fine. Our relationship returned to normal as before, but in fact it was not like that. That happiness was instantly gone.

I was too angry. I think he's just plain angry. Marajuk to get attention. But I was wrong, completely wrong. His words slapped me. Makes me lose my mind for a moment.

"Al, I can't live with you anymore. It's too painful. I'm not happy. Let go of me..."

I felt as if time had stopped. My ears are deaf. Brain's dead-end. There were no more voices I heard, other than the voice of Khansa. My chest was instantly tight. It was as if a huge burden was placed there.

Khansa is unhappy. In-she's unhappy living with me?? I-I must have heard wrong, right?

"You're really-really unhappy?" I hate my voice that shakes. I'm afraid Khansa will see my weakness. I immediately turned around, hiding my expression from her.

My heart was pounding, waiting for an answer. Khansa must be joking. He is not serious about his words. Or he said it like that because of the emotional impulse alone. There's no way she's unhappy living with me. It's really like that, right?

But Khansa's answer ruined all my assumptions. "Yes, I'm not happy. Let me go..."

I closed my eyes. My body began to tremble without any need. Emotions filled the chest. Disappointed, sad, desperate, angry, hurt, hurt into one. I feel like I am the most useless human being.

The woman who most wanted to be happy was not happy living with me. My confidence is gone again. Am I as a man disillusioned with that?

Why is Khansa unhappy? Is it because he doesn't love me? Or is there another reason? Suddenly a shadow of that man appeared in my mind. My body shuddered at the thought of that possibility.

Nope, no. Khansa had no relationship with the man anymore. There was no way the reason for his unhappiness was because of that man. Must be because of something else. Butwhat?

Khansa's memory still holds the ring that the jerk gave me back. It came back to make me doubt.

"Is it because OF HIM?" subconsciously the question slid from my mouth. I regret. I should never have asked that question. I was afraid to hear the answer. I fear that I will be more hurt and disappointed.

"Yes, mostly because OF HIM."

DEG

Khansa's answer made my heart seem to stop beating. A sting of pain filled my chest. My head started to get dizzy and my stomach was nauseous.

My body is starting to go away. It would be shameful and worthless to see Khansa fall like this.

Dddrr... Dddrr... Dddrr...

The sound of a cell phone resuscitated me while saving me from embarrassing events. I picked up my phone and pretended to be busy with it. That call was from one of my subsidiary leaders. Without seeing Khansa, I came out of the room.

"I'll answer your question after we meet again."

I was the coward who decided to run away. I need time alone to digest everything that's going on. I'm not ready to answer Khansa's question at the moment.

***

I can't describe how I feel. My heart is broken, completely broken. My chest's tight. There was a big hole in my chest, as if my heart had been ripped from where it was. My stomach churned, the nausea returned. My head started to turn. This wave of nausea I've felt before. I feel dejavu.

BUUKK... BUUKK... BUUKK...

I punched my chest, trying to get rid of the pain and soreness lodged there.

"Tu-sir, are you okay?" the driver sounded worried.

"Huuumpp!!" The feeling of wanting to vomit again struck. My stomach was turbulent, wanting to spit out everything in it. The driver looked at me worriedly.

"Master?! You're all right? I-I'm taking you to the RS..." I shake my head. Gave her a cue to pull the car over. Without being ordered a second time, the driver immediately stopped the car on the shoulder of the road. As soon as the car stopped, I immediately opened the door in a hurry and...

"Hoeeek... Hoeeek... Hoeeek..." I was vomiting violently. The driver looked awkward as he patted me on the back, trying to make me okay. I gave a gesture with my hand, telling him to go and stay away. Despite the doubt, he obeyed my orders.

The turmoil in my stomach did not subside. It's getting worse. I spit it all out, until my stomach hurt because there was nothing left.

Melt of tears flooded my cheeks. My chest is tight and sick. After a dozen years of trying and struggling to get rid of the trauma, this pain returned to me. This feeling hurts more than before. The woman I thought was capable of healing the wound turned out to re-increase the wound, even the wound was much deeper than before.

"Khan's... Khansas... Be ill... Ha-hatiku's sick... Khansas... Huuu..."

BUUKK... BUUUUKKC... BUUUUKKIS...

I went back to banging my chest, hoping that by doing so this pain in my chest would go away. All of Khansa's words are back.

I've never been happy living with you Al. Not one bit. Not a minute, or even a second!!

Is all this because of him?

Yes, all this is because of HIM.

***

Happy Reading 😊