Beautiful Monster
I'm Trying

The wind blew softly, wiping Ignacia's hand which was starting to feel cold. His warm heart also cooled. It felt like the world was collapsing right in front. Ignacia's senses must be wrong. That look doesn't mean it really. It's like Rajendra's gaze every day, right? And what Ignacia heard earlier must have been a mistake.

Ignacia wants to keep lying to herself. It's as if Rajendra's words can be undone with accumulated lies. "Rajendra was just kidding. All you heard was an illusion. None of Rajendra's words were really what you heard. Forget, Ignacia. You must be wrong." Even so, Ignacia still knew the truth.

"Rajendra, don't joke." Ignacia was unable to endure the feeling of unreason within. Obviously what he saw from Rajendra was not a joke. Those eyes seemed completely convinced by his words just now. "Rajendra, just tell me if you were just lying. There's no way you want to end this relationship all of a sudden."

As powerful as denying it was, Ignacia's heart was still wounded. There's a dagger thrust right into the heart. It's incredibly sick. Incredibly painful. How could their anniversary be the arrival of uninvited guests like this? Ignacia tries to find a point of serenity from the look in Rajendra's eyes. "Kind me if you're just joking."

This afternoon should be the most beautiful moment. After starting the day together, now they will have fun at the end of the reigning sun. Ignacia had imagined a short hug and kiss from her lover while buying ice cream earlier. A small gift they can share meaningfully today.

"Rajendra, today is our tenth anniversary. Please tell me if what you said earlier was just a joke. You know I'll get hurt a lot later." Ignacia continued to gaze expectantly. There must have been a glimmer of hope from her lover's different aura. Ignacia must quickly find him before she loses her sanity.

"Honestly ... I've been trying to keep this relationship going. Everything we went through in High School, long distance relationships, and all our sweet stories, really meant a lot to me. I realize that you have been serious about this relationship for a long time. That's why I couldn't say this sooner. It took me years to be honest with you."

"If our relationship means a lot and you know that I'm serious about our relationship, then why"

"Because I want to stop being a coward that can only keep you waiting." Rajendra cuts fast. It was as if he was troubled by Ignacia's trembling voice. The emphasis when referring to the word 'cowardly' is like tearing the heart of Ignacia into small pieces. "I don't want us to keep hiding from your father, I want to have a normal relationship like everyone else. I want to be seen in front of your family, Ignacia."

Tears escaped without a fight from the girl beside the man. Everything Rajendra said seemed sincere from the heart. All intonation and the eyes that were turned back to the sea made Ignacia even more desperate. Ignacia must have been dreaming. It must have been a nightmare when he accidentally fell asleep while gazing at the sea.

Ignacia cursed herself for making Rajendra feel bad. It must have been very difficult for him to harbor all those uncomfortable feelings for so many years. Ignacia must have been insensitive and had not taken any initiative for Rajendra's sake. So all this time Ignacia just walked for herself while dragging Rajendra this far?

"What kind of love are you, Ignacia?"

"I'm tired of our relationship, Ignacia. Not because of you, but because of myself. I think I'll be busier than usual. That's why I want to keep you from getting a heavy load. I can't get you back to waiting and distracting yourself by reading a book. I feel like I'm getting worse at knowing that fact."

"I don't mind if I have to keep waiting!" Ignacia hardened the intonation of her voice. He panicked if he had to be one of the reasons why they had to separate. This is ridiculous, unfair. Ignacia will continue to wait and pick Rajendra up from the station if necessary. "Pull your words, Rajendra. Please don't be like this."

Can't Rajendra forgive that poor girl just this time? Ignacia did not know what to do other than read a book so as not to remember her long wait. Ignacia can get rid of the habit if Rajendra wants it. Ignacia can do anything if it's best for their relationship.

Unfortunately Rajendra shook his head softly, saying if Ignacia was not guilty. "I feel guilty if I have to keep you waiting. I can't guarantee we'll meet as often as we do in the current relationship. I ... Please forgive me, Ignacia." Rajendra pulls Ignacia's body into his arms. He hugged his favorite girl as gently as possible.

Ignacia's feelings are getting crushed. The ice cream he was holding was already deep into the sand. Tears continued to flood the face with restrained sobbing. Is Rajendra unaware that his treatment leaves Ignacia helpless? Do they have to break up a long-standing relationship just because of Ignacia's waiting habit?

Ignacia tried to speak, but every time her mouth opened, a sobbing would appear. Just to say that he doesn't want their relationship to end just takes a long process. As Ignacia gathers her energy, Rajendra continues to express her true feelings. A lot of things Rajendra did accidentally.

All the problems that disturb and confuse Rajendra revealed at one time. This feeling started when I was in high school last year. When giving flowers on graduation day, Rajendra felt less able to keep up with this lover. They will undergo a long distance relationship that is notoriously heavy. Dividing time for his own world with the world of both is not an easy thing for Rajendra.

Many things make Rajendra afraid of disappointing. Then when the distant relationship begins, the feeling gets bigger. With all the support Ignacia gave him, Rajendra felt he had not had enough. Like there were a lot of things that made her feel uncomfortable leaving her girl alone in that foreign city.

"Did you remember when we went to a nice restaurant after baking class?" Ignacia flinched a little, how could Rajendra's memory go back to those days? The day that Ignacia accidentally showed unwanted advances. "You cry when we talk. I was disappointed to make you cry. You said you were happy, but that's not how I feel."

"We hugged each other that night because I was disappointed in myself. I even asked my mother what I had done. It feels heavy, Ignacia. I strengthen myself, giving the best attention so that you do not feel neglected. I'm glad we got to this point, and now it's time to find the right path."

"Sometimes I worry about your condition every time I wait for my news. I'm worried if there's another guy who makes you feel comfortable and makes you leave me. Every day you show that you keep our relationship without telling me. With all the things you do, it's enough to prove that you love me so much."

Ignacia felt hugged even tighter. He knew that Rajendra would be too heavy to leave him. "Why should we split up?" Again the girl's voice sounded shaky. "Why should this relationship end this way? You no longer want me, Rajendra? We've walked this far. I don't want us to end."

Rajendra makes her girl feel worse. His hands that stroke Ignacia's head and back symbolize something else. Ignacia quickly asks for an explanation, asking what Rajendra wants for a relationship that will not end. Ignacia was willing to do anything to save this status. It wasn't easy for her to wait, Ignacia really didn't want it to end.

There was no answer from this man. He was silent as if trying to be deaf in order to defend his decision. In a long silence, Rajendra occasionally hears a sobbing from his lover's mouth. It must not be easy to hide a chest tightening stuffing. During that time Ignacia was unable to return Rajendra's embrace at all. "He must have been hurt a lot."

"Sorry for making you neglected yesterday. I'm sorry I was so busy with my phone that I pissed you off." Rajendra uses a soothing but heart-wrenching tone of the girl he is embracing. If he apologized, this should never have happened. "Don't hate my work. I'm guilty of triggering it."

Both hugs loosened. Ignacia's hands clenched tightly to hold back from pulling Rajendra's body. So what has he been considered by the man before him? If for a long time he will be left behind, then the relationship they have been living all this time is just a pretense? Ignacia could not allow herself to be fooled again.

Ignacia's wet face was clearly visible to Rajendra's sense of vision. His heart was also wounded. But there was something in his little heart that continued to strengthen his resolve tonight. The gentle light that smeared both really added a priceless meaning to Rajendra. He took a deep breath to express his feelings again.

"There's something I want to give you. My little gift to our relationship." Slowly a box was taken out of my pocket. A small box that has a sparkling object inside. "After you accept it, this relationship will officially end, Ignacia."

The girl's cry became. He hit Rajendra's chest with a remnant of energy. "You're a very lousy man! Why do you have to do this to me?!" All forms of irritation Ignacia gave as a sign of dislike. His heart was broken to pieces and now Rajendra is giving a blinding gift. "You're a cruel man!"

Rajendra did not try to resist or even fend off the blows and all the expressions of Ignacia. The man remained silent, waiting until the girl calmed down to speak again. Until finally Ignacia ran out of energy and dropped into the chest of her lover's field. "You really are a lousy director. Why do you have to make me feel pressured like this?"

Again Ignacia felt Rajendra's warm hand behind her head. The man admitted that he was a bad director. Nothing could beat Ignacia's greatness in organizing people in dramas. Therefore his group in the eleventh class first get the first champion. And the drama Ignacia set while still in college is also mesmerizing.

"I don't mean to be a director. I intend to express what I feel for you. So, are you going to receive a gift from me?" The sun has set. The sky was getting darker with the garden lights burning brightly. The second day is over. The moment that Ignacia had been waiting for was over. Along with that question, Ignacia still felt reluctant to answer.

His face was already very chaotic, not to be added with a stifling feeling in the chest. "I lost my ice cream because of you. You are the cruelest man. You have to buy me another ice cream so I can answer. I was so happy when, why did you do this to me? Isn't it enough to make me feel excluded?"

Ignacia doesn't want to look at Rajendra anymore. The fear of her being so whiny will be remembered by the man like an uninteresting moment in that fine restaurant. Ignacia knew that she should not have put out those useless feelings before Rajendra. His son felt bad because of him. "I cursed myself since I felt not good enough. I hate myself."

Now the body is back to getting a hug, a warm embrace that is able to neutralize the whole fluttering feeling of Ignacia. Meanwhile Rajendra puts his head on top of his girl's. He changed the position of the two to feel more fit and comfortable. That was what Ignacia needed after a long conversation full of tense expressions.

"I'm really scared, Rajendra. Everything you say really feels real. I can't imagine how much pain it hurts you to hold on to all that." Ignacia's eyes were getting hotter. "Please don't do that kind of thing again, please. Don't you feel sorry for this poor woman? He needs a lot of warmth from the person he trusts."

Next the girl immediately wiped away all her tears. Once home the dried path is on his cheek. Rajendra gave him some tissue that he kept in his pocket. Rajendra should have taken it out of there, but seeing Ignacia who was so emotional, his hand was restrained.

"You'll still receive my gift, won't you?" Rajendra asked again. The box was opened, displaying a sparkling object that he said could destroy the ten-year relationship the two had been guarding. "I won't be a coward anymore if you accept it, Ignacia."

The girl's hand was stretched out, a sign that the gift she would receive without saying anything. Of the many moments and word choices, why should it be at a time like this with convoluted drama? Also why should there be a gift to formalize a relationship that will end if it is received?

"Thank you for getting me into this position, Ignacia." Even Rajendra thanked me.