I LOVE YOU (I LOVE YOU NOT)
First Meeting

The muezzin's voice echoing the dawn Azan this time sounded very melodious and loud. Different from the previous few days where every time the prayer time of the sound of azan in our housing was not heard at all since there was a restriction on the volume of use of Toa mosque.  My eyes still feel heavy to open after so many days busy with office activities that are so draining of the mind. It was delicious and good to sleep this time.Want I continued the cradle of my dreams - but of course Azan's voice once again

remind me of my time to get up quickly to pray.

The gurgling sound of water being turned on from the bathroom faucet was heard - it seemed like Mother had first woken up and ablaze.  I rushed out of the room and headed to the bathroom in the middle of our house to immediately ablaze and followed my mother to pray with her. Shortly afterwards I saw my mother waiting for me to pray together - the mother shifted the folding chair of her prayer that is usually used every time I pray. Since these two years mother can only pray by sitting in a chair that my father used to use every prayer - at the age of seventy years old Mother still looks healthy and beautiful - but her ability to do some movements in the pillars of prayer has been reduced.

Finish the Fajr Prayer - Mother goes on to read some verses of the Quran. His passion for cursing his reading deserves a thumbs up. In a month this may have been three or four times my mother closed her recitation of the Quran while I until this time I have just three times the Quran.

When Mom was still busy with her Quran study - I as usual do my morning routine preparing morning snacks of fruits and herbal juices my mother.  All homework is no longer done by a housekeeper. The sound of a juicer machine is heard dominating the kitchen room –pour one by one fruit juice and herbal drinks into a glass bottle that I have prepared and neatly store the drinks in the refrigerator it's in mom's room.

“Bu, the fruit juice is ready yes at the table,”, I said to Mother who was still sitting in her chair. Mother simply nodded while remaining focused on her reading.

I put a few glasses of fruit juice on the small table next to Mom's chair. I then changed my nightgown to sportswear - my morning routine was jogging around the house. At half six in the morning – when the sun has not been fully visible in the sky of Palembang city I started with a step slowly out of my yard. The cold morning dew still felt - my steps felt light accompanied by the sound of music that was heard through earphones.

Then the footsteps that had been slowly began to accelerate in rhythm with the rhythm of music that sounded in my ears. The sweat began to pour on my face and my whole body. Sometimes I stop my footsteps when someone who happens to pass me scolds me.

"Morning.Mom don't play sports? ask an old man who also regularly walks the morning with his peers.

"Mama usually comes out at eight or ten in the morning. Let there be a little sun he said" I replied.

"Oh so, continued Di." said the man, smiling and giving a cue with his hand to let me continue my activities.

I didn't feel like I was going through the third round of walking around the street in my housing complex and I decided to go back home to get ready to start my next activity. I saw that my mother had prepared breakfast with a plate of omlet eggs and fried rice for our breakfast.

“What do you bring in for lunch at the office? ask the mother who is still busy preparing the dishes on our dining table.

“Ndon't do it Mom. Today I have a meeting at the office - usually there is already prepared for lunch.” My answer.

“oh so.”sahut My mother again.

“What will you buy for lunch? I asked my mother back while resting my body in the old carved chair in the middle room.

“Mother easy. Later let Mr. Sidik buy her lunch.” Answer the mother who followed sat on the carved chair in front of me.

Our morning talks were quite complex - from everything that happened in my office, the stories of neighbors in our residential neighborhood to the stories of Mother's grandchildren who began to grow up as teenagers. Quite exciting our conversation - especially with the expression of my mother's body every time she told me about her grandson from our youngest brother.

“Di-if one day you remarry. I want a grandson yes,” joked Mom

I laughed at Mom's words. Grandchild? Ah-there is only my mother is my mind.

“Aamiin. Smoga will get a good daughter-in-law, Mom. So can you give a cute grandson to Mom.” Reply kidding.

Time has shown at seven o'clock in the morning - it's time I prepare to go to work. No need to take a long time to hurry and I was ready to leave by driving a silver daihatsu car in 2018. Mr. Sidik swiftly opened the gate of the fence so that I could drive my car without having to go down again to open the gate.

This morning the road seems to have begun to be crowded with vehicles that pass by. Everyone at the same time simultaneously started their respective activities. I drove my car casually

enjoy the Madness song from The Muse. The distance from my house to the office is not too far - only congestion in the morning of the trip that can usually be reached in twenty minutes this time can be reached in almost an hour.

Time has shown seven o'clock past forty-five minutes - and that means I have passed the time of entry office hours. Arriving at the gate of my office yard - immediately I parked my car neatly lined up with other cars that had been parked in the office. I saw Herdi one of the employees in our office swiftly helping to bring all the office documents I had tipped that I had deliberately brought home.

"good morning, ma'am." greet Herdi as he takes over all the luggage in my hands.

"Morning, Healthy Herdi In? my word's back.

“Alhamdulilah Ma'am. Is it late this morning, Mom?

“Iya. Today the streets are so jammed.” I answered as I walked upstairs to my office.

“Good Morning-Mu Dee.” Greetings some employees who happened to have first come to work.

“Morning all.” I answered while smiling at them.

I went straight to my room. Still neatly arranged some documents stacked on my desk. I kept my little backpack in the bottom desk drawer - and Herdi put the documents he had brought back on the small table next to me.

I turned on the Personal Computer room and I started to struggle with the data and numbers continuing my work that was delayed yesterday afternoon. As usual on the sidelines of work activities I activated my facebook chat room hoping there is news that I can read today from my relatives and friends during leisure time.

"Tig!

I heard a message in my chat room sent by someone.

(Day, Diana)

For some reason just reading a word of the message made me feel excited.

An opening message from Mahendra-Male who is currently close to me who is currently living in the country of Australian kangaroos.  I met him when I, my sister Triana and her son Rafif visited Sydney to deliver Rafif my niece who was planning to continue her education in the city.

(Hi, How are you?)  answer me then

*(I am Fine. Are you at work?)

(yes)

(can I call?)  continue that incoming message again

(Yes. Offcourses)

no need to wait a long time, then heard the sound of my phone ringing.

""What's the bar? there was a voice from across there with broken Indonesian.

"I'm good. Why did you wake up ?

"Yes. I'm Kang-gen to you." replied the voice again.

It was the voice of Mahendra, a Pakistani-German man I met accidentally a few years ago in the Australian city of Sydney. Mahendra is a young nomad from Pakistan who migrated to Australia and received his doctoral education at the University of Sydney Australia.Disela busy working in a company engaged in dental health the man also manages inter-city Shipping Services in New South Wales-Australia.

It was - me, yuk Triana, as well as Rafif's confusion at Sydney's Central Railway Station located at the southern end of the Sydney CBD - while looking for a train line leading to the Blue Mountain mountainous region bordering the Sydney Metropolitan area. I asked my niece's rafif to ask the Central Station attendant for the train that's headed for Blue Mountain. I deliberately asked my nephew to ask the officers around the station so that he had the courage when dealing with foreigners in the State of the people as well as to practice his foreign language skills.

When we were waiting for information from Rafif that's when I passed Mahendra. Looking at the two of us who looked confused the man silently approached us.

"Asalam'oalaikum, sister. Are you from malaysia? Maybe I can help you? greet Mahendra at that time by greeting us. The greeting was spontaneously spoken probably because it saw the two of us who

she has an Asian face and wears a hijab like most other Muslim women.

"Vaalaikumsalam. No. We are from Indonesia." I replied.

Among the Muslim minority population in the country people are certainly very happy to meet fellow Muslim brothers in a foreign place that we first visited.

Mahendra's hospitality to us made us feel comfortable to become more familiar. Until finally Mahendra was willing to take us to some places we wanted to go that day.

The first meeting and continued meetings the next day while in Sydney made Me and Mahendra closer - especially in every spare time Mahendra took the time to stop by the hotel to just invite coffee together or drive around town in his white sedan.

Rafif my nephew also looks very familiar with Mahendra. The conversation between the two is not far from talking about Rafif's plan to continue his education at the University of Sydney where Mahendra studied.

“Well-you need to force yourself harder to get here.

(You must try to be able to learn more to enter here)” Mahendra said to the raffif at that time while taking him around the University of Sydney neighborhood whose campus buildings are ancient architectural style.

The tall man looks excited to introduce every part of the building The great university hall is located in the main quadrangle of the Camperdown campus, library and study room. Visible

in front of the building is a green and spacious courtyard where students are busy with reading or just chatting with fellow students.Once Mahendra's view is directed towards me - and somehow our views meet and make we became misbehaved.

Unknowingly the seeds of love between us began to grow. I don't know why this Pakistani guy could make me change my view of men. All this time what was in my brain was pictured

that men are creatures of God created to be liars, traitors, and slackers. I am not anti-men - especially my friends since I was a child can be said to be dominated by men

I can only be a friend but not a life partner.

Missing my husband suddenly may have been some men who came to me. From those who just want to get acquainted or in a serious direction. There's nothing I'm responding to. I don't know if there's not the slightest bit in my brain to be close to any man let alone to get married again.

Even my two best friends Milda and Aproita repeatedly asked me to open my heart to other men. They seemed worried to see me who was endlessly lamenting fate. I still have no desire to open up to other men to be cold and reluctant to start communication with others I just knew.

Once Mildha my best friend introduced me to a man who was a friend of one of his family who happened to live in Serang-Banten City. Starting from exchanging our phone contact numbers and continuing to the conversation through whatsapp.

(I am very happy to talk to Dik Diana. It seems to be seen in the photo of Dik Diana who is motherly and loving).

Darmanto was one of the few men introduced by my two best friends. We have never met face to face just a few times whatsapp messages have made me bored and reluctant to

continue that stale conversation.

(Do you want ta'aruf with me?) continued again.

(Sorry Sir. I can't and again I'm sorry for us just being in touch. Not more)

(Why, brother?)

(I can't give you my reasons. Please understand Father)

(I am willing to wait for you) Darmanto wrote as he urged me

Of course I'm very unimpressed with such a coercion. My emotions are lured again. I don't want anyone else to dictate my life. I don't know everything changed in me. I am now very

being sensitive to the words or treatment of those around me. I who used to be friendly and jolly now very easily angry and provoked emotions. Without further stale, I blocked Darmanto's contacts.   For the time being I've been acting like that. It was not because I was at that moment

in an atmosphere of mourning with the passing of my husband - but more of a trauma to getting to know the man again.

But after almost Five years I shut myself off from any man - right now I feel a sense of love for a man again. And that man was named Mahendra.

Although the communication between us is only light talks or teasing jokes through mobile phones. There is no such rude attitude I have done to some of the men who approached me. I turned into a sweet, spoiled creature like a teenager who first fell in love.

"hello? are you there Di? the sound of Mahendra's voice from across the street blew my mind somewhere.

(hello?are you still there, Di?)

"Oh. Sorry being ignorant." I said for a moment.

(oh, sorry to ignore you)

"Ap se mil ker khushi huwi, Di" he said again in urdu.

(happy to meet you, Di)

"what?

(what?)

"hahaha" There was a sound of Mahendra laughing broke out across the street.

"Its mean I am happy to meet you here. Aapko urdu ati?

(Do you know Urdu)

I didn't answer that question immediately. I swiftly took my digital translator and searched for the meaning of Mahendra's words. Back in college - I really admired the character of one of the Bollywood stars - Shahrukh Khan. Although the storyline of the film he played is ordinary - but the funny characters who dominate the role he played are quite entertaining. But it did not occur to me that I would love that man from the country of birth of Shah Rukh Khan.

"Do you get what I mean?

(Do you understand what I'm saying?)

"oh yes. sorry I am using translator to understand what you said. "my answer again.

(oh yeah. I'm sorry I used the translator to understand what you said)

Our conversation finally got smoother when Mahendra decided to communicate in English. I was also a little relieved that my ears were so foreign to what Mahendra spoke in language

urdu should therefore use the help of a digital translator.

But since the first meeting we haven't been able to meet again. The costs of long distance relations between Indonesia and Australia could cost me three or four months as a civil servant. While Mahendra although for him the cost is not heavy but his free time as a health professional in the country of people is very limited. Our longing for that long can only be expressed with whatsapp video calls every day.

"In, I have duty in Seoul next month. will you be there too?" mahendra asked me one time over the phone.

(Di, I will be serving in Seoul next month. would you like to come?)

"Oh. How long for?"

(oh for how long?)

"For a month." Mahendra replied again. " Will you come in?"

(for a month)

Imagining a meeting in the land of KPOPers and a romantic meeting plan with Mahendra immediately made me smile for myself.  I've never been this happy before. A different feeling that I did not feel at all when I first met Edi before which I also ran a long distance. But immediately berbesit in my brain savings are dwindling with spending that became my burden every month.

"Sorry, Dear. Since I moved to this town-I really don't have enough money for Flights and all accommodations”, I'm a little disappointed.

 (Sorry.  Ever since I moved to this town-I haven't had enough money for flights and accommodations)"

Yes, if you hope with my current salary that starts again from the bottom in government agencies it feels to spend the cost of traveling to the country of people is very unlikely.  In the past I was able to set aside my income from my job as a government employee and also my side business as a technical consultant at a hotel in Bandung City. But now I only rely on a basic salary that is only enough for my living expenses for a month.

"I'll pay all your experiences" the man reassured me.

(i'll pay for it all)

How glad I was to hear Mahendra's answer. I am indeed happy to adventure to several places since I am still single as I got hope again to enjoy my adventurous desire. Ever since I married Edi - it's never been like I've enjoyed a trip to a city other than my husband's hometown in Cirebon - even to go home to my own hometown I didn't easily get permission from him. My fear of my husband trumps my longing for my family. However, there's not much I can do

do it then other than PASRAH.

Edi is not the man I want to be a husband to. His face was far from good-looking judgment let alone attractive - his skin was dark and his body was looking fat. But his friendliness and skill in playing music self-taught make others amazed at his figure. The Edi I used to know was a quiet man and was known to have a soft speech . I don't know what made it change after all these years of meeting us since graduation

Right now - the feeling of losing the figure of Edi in me is so ignored. I don't want to remember that figure anymore let alone remember the past we've been through together. Disappointment-sickness has been mixed and fused in the heart. Although some relatives and religious leaders I met often reminded me not to harbor hatred and resentment against people who have passed away.

How much I try to forget this heartache - but the hatred sometimes arises and becomes a nightmare for me. To this day, I have absolutely no idea why I decided to marry Edi before and remain in our marriage for more than seven years. Even my relatives and friends were against this marriage from the beginning and were not sure of my decision at that time.

"In-you better reconsider your decision." advice Bang Agus my cousin who happened to be a friend during Edi's college first. "She doesn't deserve to be your husband.The nature and background of her family is very far away from you."

"His family is crazy, Di" said Bang Rahmanto, my second brother who was also against our plan. Even my brother this one deliberately went to the city where Edi family lived to find out who and how the family of my future husband.

Not enough there - my colleagues who live in the city of Lampung also reminded me after knowing the rumors of wedding plans with Edi.

" In-your-to-be that's a playful chick feeling. We'll deal with you later. Please cancel." he said back then via long-distance phone with me.

But all the advice or input from those people was totally ignored. I don't know what's going on and it's in my mind. At the time, I was very confident in my decision. Even my parents

those who oppose me have not responded at all.

"Time is the only thing that can answer whether or not he deserves to be my life partner" I replied at the time.

Love is not a matter of perfect physicality, but of heart and total acceptance. It was always those words that I made a shield when there was a rejection from my relatives over my relationship with Edi.

God's plan must have been arranged as well as possible for my life journey. No one can control how others feel about us unless we are alone.

Actually, there have been many problems that I experienced during my relationship with Edi since we were still dating . Edi is emotionally irritable when what he wants cannot be fulfilled.

Edi is very irritable when we discuss or when I express my opinion. Finally everything I had considered ordinary was responded to with harsh words I received from him or throw anything he could hold and throw at me. I who usually like to reply to all the harsh treatment directed at me just do not have the power to fight let alone reply with words.

Until I finally married Edi and my parents by being forced to give my blessing as if I no longer had the ability to avoid this marriage.  The hardest thing I've had to live with was my life with Edi.

I am accustomed to all the conveniences I get from parents must really adjust to the condition of Edi which all starts from zero. What he said to my parents before marriage was inversely proportional to what I felt and got during the marriage.

Edi who previously admitted to my family had a simple residence in the East Bandung area - in reality only lived in a restroom in a clerk's mess provided by his office

works. The room with a size of three times three square meters became the room where we lived.

Some rooms have been filled by fellow employees at Edi's place of work both married and single. All our daily activities are done in this small room. We had no other room besides the bedroom.

Edi has a character that I think is very relaxed in work and spends more time to gather with his friends. Friends in the work environment Edi also have the same habits. I don't know - in my view, Edi's workplace environment that should instill high discipline in its employees does not reflect an institution that has high discipline that deserves to be an example.

There was a sense of disappointment in me for all of Edi's behavior towards me and my family. One by one what became the doubt of my relatives was finally proven.  Edi is not a good life partner for me. But I'm trying to stay in this marriage given my promise to my father that whatever conditions I'm in during my marriage to Edi I'm going to run the risk that I'm going to accept without complaining.

The real promise I don't need to hold fast