I LOVE YOU (I LOVE YOU NOT)
The Marriage Test I
This morning my work schedule was very tight. Today I have to monitor the event at a meeting held by the local government where I work in cooperation with one of the ministries. Time has shown at seven o'clock in the morning - I who usually after performing the morning prayer still take the time to eat breakfast - this time I have to miss the breakfast made by Mak Tini-my nanny since I was a childkanaks. Mak Tini has been living with me since both my parents moved to another city and my mother asked for it
to accompany me to stay in our house. Mak Tini is my mother's widowed sister from a few years ago. Of course Mak Tini's presence wasn't to be my domestic assistant - because after all she was an old man I should have treated well.
"Hope Is? mak Tini said to me from the kitchen not far from where I was standing.
"Ga Use. Mak. again hastily. "i said as I got into my car and started the engine.
“But later you are sick, Di.” He was half forced.
“Later also in the office I can eat in the cafeteria, Mak.” I said from the car. I started my car engine and
a moment later I stepped on the gas pedal of my car by taking a position to rewind the vehicle that I owned.
I don't know why - suddenly my stomach feels a little pain. Since dawn I have been feeling a bit of pain and cramping
in my stomach. I don't know - maybe I'm not in a fit state or because my heart still holds anger last night to make me unable to sleep after my quarrel with my husband. A quarrel that shouldn't have happened between us when I was three months pregnant.
But in hindsight it was natural that our positions were far apart and Edi showed absolutely no concern as a husband to his pregnant wife. This was also triggered by the Short Message Service (SMS) that I received several times on my phone from someone who claimed to be my husband's lover. Someone who deliberately sent me some pictures of my husband with a young woman sent me through the Multimedia Message Service (MMS). The age of my marriage is not yet one year - but this is the second time my emotions have been tested for the faithfulness of a husband.
“Then who is that woman” asked Edi by phone.
“Already. You don't lure me anymore. He's a nobody just a friend.” Edi replied in a high voice from across the street.
“Nobody said you? But why hold hands and sit around hugging like that? Much
again with a higher voice
“Then what do you want? he said with words that started to sound harsh
“I want us to split up. This is the second time you've been like this.”
“Ok if that's what you want.”
I'm appalled. And God said those words to me. But I actually do not want it to happen especially with my current condition that is two-bodied.
“You really have no responsibility as a husband. Even during I was pregnant not a bit you come or just ask the condition of my pregnancy.” I said while holding back the anger. I am used to being independent in doing everything - but this young pregnancy condition makes me emotionally unstable in dealing with everything. There was not the slightest attention from someone I called my husband. At first I never questioned Edi's attitude to me - but right now I feel like my husband is someone else who doesn't care at all about my condition of conceiving his own child.
“I'm busy working.” Edi said without guilt.
“Oh alright. After this child is born we take care of the divorce and take this child with you. I don't want it.” I replied to Edi's words.
Astaqfirullahalazim - what I just said. For a moment I was silent with the words I said
just now. Soon I realized that what I said to Edi was really inappropriate for me to say at a time like this. But Edi has cut off our phone.
I regretted my emotionless words. I want to feel I cry and scream as much as vent the anger that filled my chest cavity. But it's been too late. There's no place for me to tell stories - this child won't understand the circumstances I'm currently facing. I feel so alone in this house. I also did not have the courage to put the burden of my heart on my family - because they never accepted Edi fully as part of our family.
My drowsiness and fatigue were instantly gone due to the heightened emotions after the phone call. I don't know after how long I can close my eyes - after so many times I force my eyes to close.
For the second time I felt a cramp in my stomach. I tried to catch my breath while sitting behind the steering wheel. The pain in my stomach was gone. I turned on my car engine and happened to be the road to my meeting place this morning was quite quiet and did not need to take long on the journey - and I had arrived at my destination sooner than the committee members others were also present at the place.
I saw that one of my office employees was present and greeted me at the door of the hotel meeting place. I immediately went to the meeting room - preparing everything that was necessary later. The smooth or not of this activity depends on our cooperation as a committee and I want everything to take place as planned.
A few hours later - one by one the participants had started to arrive - coincidentally they were placed in a hotel where the event was held to facilitate the mobilization of participants and organizers. I saw the car that was in charge of picking up the Sources from the Ministry had arrived - I immediately greeted the Deputy Mother and we headed to the VVIP waiting room where my boss was waiting.
The voice of the host has been heard - the bustle of the voices of participants who were talking to each other was already crowded heard from the room where we were waiting. I kindly allow the deputy mother to enter the meeting room.
I see my boss already sitting next to the speaker chair. I also let the deputy mother
to sit side by side with him. But suddenly I felt a cramp in my stomach. This time it was followed by cold sweat that started pouring from my face. I tried to calm myself - but the pain was getting more and more agitated. Before long the moderator called my name as the person in charge of the event to open the event. I tried to stand up from my seat - But this time my legs felt so weak to stand.
“It looks like Bu Diana is not well,”test deputy mother to me. “his face is pale once bu.”
“No Ma'am, probably because I got less sleep last night.” I said it as if to calm myself. Then I asked my two superiors for permission to open the event.
I walked towards the pulpit - but my body felt weaker and my vision began to wander.
Suddenly the deputy's mother stood up and walked up to me.
“Those mothers in her skirt are bloodstains. Isn't mom pregnant? He looks a little panicked.
I held the back of my skirt. Seen by me my hands are already sticking to fresh blood spots.
My gaze grew increasingly blurry - my surprise made my feelings more uncertain.
Hidupk!!
I fell limp beside the pulpit. Sayup-sayup still heard by me the voice of Deputy Mother calling the health worker who we always prepare every time we hold this kind of event.
I don't know what happened after that - what I remember for a moment came to the realization that I was lying on my bed in a room with a white curtain that covered my surroundings. It was faintly visible to the people in white uniforms who were busy with their medical devices.
“Measured tension first and install oxygen yes sus.” I heard one of them talking. “Is there a family of patients? Because it must take action immediately.” Further again.
“I .” I heard the voice of Aunt Mala who was my mother's little sister around the room. I faintly see Aunt Mala occasionally focusing her gaze at me with worry let alone see my condition lying helplessly.
Aunt Mala was contacted by one of my office colleagues when they took me to the nearest hospital by finding out family contacts through a call history from my cell phone.
“Does the patient's husband have a mother. There is a form that must be signed before the act of curettage to clean the rest of the fetus in the patient's uterus.” asked one of the nurses on my aunt.
“Suami patients in Bandung Sus. I'm the only family in town.”
“Mother parents of the patient?ask the nurse again
“Not. I'm Tanteenya. The parents in question are serving in Bangka. My nephew lives
alone here.”
“but we need the consent of the husband or parent of the patient, ma'am. We recommend that you contact the husband or parent of the patient to sign the consent form can be represented by the mother as a family.”
“well I tried to contact her husband and parents.” Then my tantalizing words
Aunt Mala took her cell phone from her carry-on bag. His hand quickly searched for the Edi number in the contact list on his phone. A phone call sounded - but there was no response from Edi. I don't know how many times my aunt called the same number but there was no response
from Edi. His white face began to sweat - there was worry but there was also resentment in that face when I heard me occasionally groaning in pain from the hospital bed plus his frustration at not being able to contact Edi. Even so, Aunt Mala tried to contact Edi.
“Ya hello.” I heard Edi's voice from my aunt's phone. The phone was deliberately raised by aunts volume so that hospital officials could hear their conversation.
“Edi's Aunt Mala, Diana is hospitalized for bleeding. The hospital asked for approval
husband for curette action.” My Tantiku said to Edi in a slightly raucous voice
Edi did not answer immediately. I don't know what he was doing at the time but it sounded like he was talking to some of his colleagues.
“Halo, How's Edi?Awaiting your decision now.” My aunt's voice began to rise as I waited for a response
from Edi.
“Ya- please”he said without burden and seemed impolite to my aunt
“What later you can come here-kasian your wife.”tanya aunt mala again
“Cannot. I have a lot of work here. I leave it to aunt all her business.”
“Yes Does not have to be today. Tomorrow, can it?
“Sorry, I can't.” Reply to Edi again.
Aunty's face began to turn red as if holding back the emotions in her got an answer from the niece's husband
he loves her that way. Aunt Mala unceremoniously closed their conversation. He seemed to be very upset with Edi's response. Whether what was discussed with the nurse, Aunt Mala finally signed the form that the nurse gave her as consent to take a curettage action against me.
Before long the curettage process took place - I felt tired - and sleepy. Probably the effect of the dope
those injected into my body started to react. Unknowingly, I fell asleep afterwards.
The next day, my condition looked better. But I still feel pain and cramping in my stomach and vital organs. There was discomfort every time I changed my sleeping position but it was more uncomfortable to be in the hospital room alone. Just then the door of my room opened - A nurse came into the room and greeted me with a friendly smile.
“Good Morning Diana's mother.We check tension and body temperature first yes Bu.” He said as he prepared his medical equipment and put it on my bedside.
“Morning Sister. Please sister.” Sister Anita wrapped the tension gauges around my arm and made sure they were properly attached.
“tennya one hundred to eighty yes bu.”ujar sister Anita. “body temperature thirty-seven degrees”
“Alhamdulilah. But can I go home today sister? I ask that I'm impatient.
“I asked the doctor first yes Bu.”
I'm asserting. The sister then tidied up her equipment and then bid farewell out of my room.
Not long ago the sound of the nursery door was heard re-opened. I saw my best friend Fina and Aunt Mala enter the room with their respective tongues.
“Assalamualaikum Diana.” Said Fina-then the young woman approached me while kissing my left and right cheeks. “patiently yes Di.” Say again
“Yes, thanks yes Fin.”
“Sister Edi is not here in?”
I didn't answer right away. I don't know why hearing my husband's name right now can be easily provoked by my emotions.
“Already Fin. Don't talk about him anymore.”
“Loh, however He should know your condition In.”
“He already knows. But don't want to know.” I said in a annoyed tone. My frustration was not directed at Fina but at Edi. Day two I was hospitalized not once did he try to reach me by phone or text
“Kok can be so yes Brother Edi, Di? Not that he is so great love you why your condition is like this now He even does not exist”
“He never sincerely loved me.”
Fina looked surprised by my words. This young lady knows my character especially when my emotions are being played with. There was nothing more he wanted to ask - he was just waiting for me to tell him what I felt for myself.
The young girl standing next to me saw me. I whom He knew as a jolly and strong girl looked gloomy and helpless. My view seems empty-minded again all the comments of relatives who did not support my marriage with Edi. But now there is no use for all regrets.
Day Three-After My miscarriage.
I went through my activities as usual. - I've re-occupied myself with my work in the office. I am so grateful that my colleagues helped me a lot in my work as I lay helpless in the hospital.
“David Diana really feel well? Ask Mr. Tamsil - the middle-aged man is my boss. He asked me to face him when he found out I was starting to get back to doing my job.
Generally, post-curette recovery with light bleeding will last for two to three days. But for the condition at that time doctors advised this young woman to rest longer.
Mr. Tamsil is a doctor - who does have a deep knowledge of health. Because of his ability - he is trusted to serve in a work unit that does deal more with health and improving family welfare.
This middle-aged man was very attentive to me - even his treatment was like a father who was so considerate of his own daughter. No wonder the treatment was so to me - because formerly a tamsil was my father's subordinate when he was still serving in the same agency with Dad and the man had known me since I was a teenager.
“Alhamdulilah-I've been better at this time Mr.” Reply assured him.
Mr. Tamsil seemed to have scrunched his forehead. The wrinkles on his face were increasingly visible with his face
that white guy.
“ Diana-my child. I would be more worried to see your pale face but still working in this place. Try not to insist that your condition is fine,” he said again.
“Really Sir. I'm fine.”
where I sit.
“Listen to Me My Son-Your father entrusts you to Me. I know you're a hard-working person but
you should also think about your health. I know you're not okay.”
“Signallah I'm fine Sir.
Mr Tamsil back to his seat, “ohya, what about your husband, Di?Does he not want to move to work here?
I was silent for a moment."No Sir. Maybe I'd better file for divorce from her.”
Instantly Pak Tamsil's face changed to hear my answer. No words came out of his mouth except the words of Istiqfar.
“Astaqfirullahalazim"
He went back to being silent for a moment - wiping his face with both of his hands that already looked aged and then coming back to me, said to me,
" I don't know your problems. But the best partner you should not stay as far apart as now. If your husband doesn't want to move, think about getting closer and staying with your husband, Diana. As a wife, you have to dedicate your whole life to your husband. Because after marriage, a woman has a noble task to prepare breakfast for her husband. The noble task should begin from the first day of marriage until the deadline desired by Allah. When death separates the two in the world” advice Mr. Tamzil at length to me.
“I know it Sir. But I can no longer make peace with all the lies that my husband did.”
“Maybe you talk too much. But I can only give you advice to consult with your parents about this. Because What you know before marriage you always try to convince your parents that Edi is the best choice for you. Despite the current reality you think otherwise - then you should also talk to your parents, Nak.” Continue Mr. Tamsil again wisely.
I neither deny nor deny that word. Everyone knows how I struggle
so that I can get the blessing of my parents to marry Edi. But all that at the moment it feels not worth fighting for let alone defending. Everything Edi said and promised was none
evidenced. Feelings of shame on family and relatives raged in the heart. To cover my face with both palms alone would not be enough.
After all this time my conversation with Mr. Tamsil-I said goodbye to return to my work space. In the workspace I could not focus on doing anything but daydreaming and thinking about all Mr. Tamsil said earlier. There is a truth to what he said that his struggle in building a household really feels if we live in our own home compared to choosing to live in the home of parents or in-laws. Living apart or far away from your partner will cause suspicion from each other.
This time, forty days off was already my time after the fetal curettage process in my womb. But my desire to separate from Edi grew stronger. Whether what demons possessed my mind - my hatred for Edi was growing by the day especially since my miscarriage Edi had never visited me in this City at all. Just a few short messages asking about my condition that he sent me.
(Have you been good?) the message sounds one time.
A message that was really short and seemed stale to me.
Edi who used to be in the beginning of our courtship was always soft in his words but a few months before we married his rude nature was always appearing when talking or meeting with me.
The thing that I remember most and imprinted in my heart when Edi invited me first to meet his family in his hometown.at the time when I who coincidentally got an official assignment in Bandung-City had the opportunity to visit Edi to his workplace. Edi picked me up at the inn and conveyed his desire to meet me with his family.
“We ride the motor to the cirebon, it's okay right? He asked in a soft voice to me.
“No problem.” I said yes. All I remember at that time - Edi was so excited to ask me to come and see his family in his hometown. I couldn't possibly refuse that request - even though I felt it was too soon considering Me and Edi had just become lovers.
At that time we were just driving two wheels down the road to Edi's hometown. The journey was taken far enough - my body docked to Edi's body because the motor he was driving was slightly leaning forward so that it made it difficult for my sitting position to be apart with him. The journey is quite far for me - but I enjoy it because the breeze that feels cool directly hit my face plus the scenery along the trip is very beautiful with a stretch of green rice fields with the river on the side another way with water that flows continuously.
Such an atmosphere no doubt made me feel a very drowsiness plus the exposure of strong winds that directly into my face. Maybe Edi knew my condition at that time - when my body began to roll to the left swiftly Edi pulled my hand around his waist and grasped it tightly. I was honored and pleased with his attention.
Until we arrived at Edi's hometown I immediately took off the helmet that covered my head - no longer knowing what my face looked like. Obviously, this trip made me look messy and tired. I got off the Idi-motorcycle and Edi parked his bike next to his parents' yard.
From inside the house some people were seen out towards the terrace of the house intending to welcome the presence of both of us. The middle-aged woman who was full-bodied with a long veil approached Edi and hugged him.
“Aih, Aak must be tired of traveling far.” He told Edi to take off his embrace.
“ Heeh.” Edi replied as he welcomed the woman's embrace with his smile.
“This Diana? Said the woman again as her eyes looked at me. The smile that had been present when welcoming Edi instantly disappeared when he saw me.
“Yes, Mom. I Diana” replied I briefly introduced myself.
The woman no longer asked much - she invited us both to enter the house. Some of the Edi family members who were standing on the porch one by one introduced themselves to me. Until one moment I saluted the thin, tall middle-aged man who was in front of me. There was no hospitality on the man's face. His eyes were sharp as if tracing the part of me that stood before him.
“Please enter.” The man then told me.
I followed-Edi then directed me to sit in the chair next to him.
“Oh yes. Tired of riding a motorcycle? Asked the man again to me still with a less friendly look.
“Lumayan, Sir.”
The man did not continue his question. Then he spoke to Edi in Cirebon language which I could not understand at all. Edi then moved from his seat and walked towards the other room of the house leaving Me with his parents in their living room.
“You're a civil servant too? The question of Edi's father was asked back to me.
“Ya, Sir.”
“What do your parents work for?
I'm speechless. Hey, what kind of introduction is this my mind. Is it worth the first introduction I've been attacked with such a question.
“Parents are just regular employees like me, sir.” I replied with a slightly uncomfortable feeling.
“Hemmm.” The man sounded muttering. He did not immediately continue his question - but the words that came out of his mouth later were the most painful thing I felt during the time I knew the person I had just met.
“you know, Di. Edi was my first son. In our village - many parents who want Edi to be their son-in-law”
I was shocked to hear the words of Edi's father. But I try to be a good listener in the eyes of men
it.”ya, Sir.”
“You know-Edi was even asked to match up with one of the high-officer kids in this city. Even his parents intended to give us a house and a car.” Follow the man with pride.
I was surprised by everything I heard from the mouth of the man sitting in front of me. Is this an insult or a rejection of my presence. But is it worth saying by the host to the guest who came to his house first.
“You-What can you offer Edi? The man threw me a question.
“Meanourself? I ask the more I don't understand.
“Yes. All the women who are close to my son must have brought something when visiting here. While you?
Suddenly my emotions were running high - really I didn't expect to receive such a welcome. Is my presence here really an opportunity for the two old men to insult me.
“Sorry-Sir. I'm here because of Brother Edi's request and sorry if I didn't bring anything.” I still say
trying to be patient. “again I am here just to visit - not to be introduced as a prospective companion Kak Edi.”
Without me realizing it suddenly Edi came from the direction of the other room and with his anger the man cut all
our talks.”What do you mean talk like that.”
"So this Diana is not your future wife Edi? ask Edi's father again to his son.
"not so. I mean, "I tried to explain but Edi's anger was already unbearable to me.
"That's it. If that's what you want. I" yell at Edi.
I had no chance to explain. Both of Edi's parents seemed to be smiling sinisterly at me. I don't know what's in their mind but at least maybe the brand thinks I don't deserve to be Edi's companion.
Really the atmosphere of the first introduction was the beginning of a quarrel for the sake of quarrel between me and Edi next.
When the atmosphere felt more uncomfortable in that place. Edi then decided to return to Bandung with me. Of course something I really expected out of an uncomfortable environment to linger on and make my feelings relieved.
But it was a different situation that I received on our way home from the family meeting.
Edi deliberately increased the speed of his second-wheeled vehicle and almost threw me off the top of his bike.
“Hey! I screamed in panic. “Can slow down Brother!
The man completely ignored my screams even more so he put his bike forward with
firmer.
“Stop! Put me down here! Shouted as loud as possible.
And Suddenly Edi pulled the brake handle of the bike so that it made me surprised and pushed forward suddenly. “Down you.” he said rudely to me. I had absolutely no idea what was on his mind so his mood changed three hundred and sixty degrees after he met his family earlier.
“What's wrong with you?Did I do something wrong earlier? I don't understand.
“Already. You don't need to ask. Get off if you want to get off.” He said again with a loud scream.
No need to think for a long time I got off the bike. And I let the man who was thick enough to ride on his motorbike leave me on this side of the road.
Actually before marriage, Edi often shows a swing mood that can change and precisely without I know the cause. This is what made our relationship broke up several times before marriage. To be honest with the condition of Edi like that I do not feel safe and comfortable if we have to maintain our relationship let alone get to the level of marriage.
Once upon a time when Edi was in a good mood - I tried to ask what could make him suddenly angry with me.
“I don't like you talking to other men, too familiar whatever it is. I also don't like you hiding everything from me.” Evidently.
I had absolutely no understanding of Edi's dislike back then let alone his unwarranted jealousy. I'm not the kind of woman to be friendly with every man let alone a man I don't know at all. I'm not the kind of person who likes to lie so I'm covering up something from the person I consider to be my partner.
“I don't understand what Brother means. I've never been so close to another man unless I've known him for a long time and what am I hiding? Me tell him.
“I just don't like.” With just that word I don't want to ask her much anymore.
But I don't know what makes me always come back and receive Edi again and again in spite of this heart actually no longer want to be with him. This often happens when we become husband and wife.
I recalled my parents' second message before I finally got their blessing to marry Edi. This blessing we finally got after for the third time the arrival of Edi to apply for me was rejected outright by my family, especially my Father and Mother.
“Father and Mother give you blessing but there are some conditions that you must meet.” Said my father at the time.
Edi and I agreed whatever terms Dad would give us.
“Before I want to ask Edi. Will Edi answer honestly?
“ya, sir.” said Edi at the time stammering.
“Is Edi able to take care of my son Diana if I allow her to marry later?
“ya, pak”
"Does Edi have a place to stay for you guys to stay anti after marriage?
“Ya pack no.”
I looked towards Edi. What's up What's this? Why did he not say the truth in front of my parents.Yang I know Edi did not have his own home because all this time he only lived in a rented house with his office friends.
Dad turned to me by giving me the one-finger code. I know what Dad meant to show you one lie that Edi had made up.
Edi probably did not expect that before his arrival to propose to me this time I had already told Edi and his family the true economic condition to my parents. But this time Edi made a big mistake in front of my parents.
Dad picked up the warm tea that my mom had prepared in her favorite cup. Drinking it a mouthful as if wanting to give pause to all the questions that he would pose to us this time.
“Good. Terms First-Edi must complete his pending master education first. Both papa and mama want you to get married celebrated in the same place as Sister Diana was previously married without any help from papa and mama. Third - if you are married later Papa and mama expect you to stay and have a career in this city. Stay in this house because it will be yours too.
Fourth, Never lie or hurt my child's body and heart. And this fourth requirement is the most important of the previous terms” said Father firmly
“well sir. We promise we will meet all those conditions.” Edi replied without thinking.
I looked at Edi. I felt that Edi was not sincere with his words and honestly I was not sure that the man would also fulfill his promise to both of my parents at that time.