I LOVE YOU (I LOVE YOU NOT)
Longs II
The departure of Bang Derta added to the grief of our family - especially Mother. The figure of Bang Derta who is entertainer and loving we can no longer meet. Especially myself - since I settled in Bandung City not infrequently I often visit my brother even though it is just letting go of longing for him or his daughters.
to day. The rigor of my sister-in-law Inneke deserves a thumbs-up. There was no roar of crying to release her husband's departure just the chanting of the Quran recitation which was always whispered into my brother's ear until the second of his departure.
The third day of the departure of Bang Derta-I and my family still can not leave the funeral home.Today even I, Me, Mother and other brothers still took the time to pray every morning to bang Derta on the ground navela is still red and wet.
The loss of my parents and brother left me with deep wounds - different from the time I lost my husband Edi. A deep sense of sadness will lose a loved one that I did not feel when I lost Edi.
I kissed the gravestone board that read my brother's name - then alternately Mother and other brothers did the same. For a moment I began to move my feet leaving the navel of the Derta bang - the distinctive sound of a phone call from Mahendra that had been set was heard by me.
Mom turned to me for a moment and then by giving the code mother asked me to immediately pick up the phone.
"Yes, Asalamualaikum" I said as I pressed the answer button from my phone screen.
"Waalaikumsalam, Di" Mahendra's voice answered my greeting. "How are you doing Di? (how are you, Di?) ask her then to me
"I am fine. but" I replied this time but this time I could no longer continue my words because of the sadness I had difficulty expressing.
"I know Di. I am so sad for you. I know how much you must love your brother more than anything." (I know Di. I'm sad to see you. I know how much we love your sister more than anything)
"I know" I answered briefly
"I wish I was there, Di" (i wish I could be by your side, Di)
Yes-Even at a time like this I need a place where I pour out my feelings to be by my side. I don't want to cry because of this loss - but I can't help keeping this pain.
I need Mahendra beside me - holding me in his arms and listening to all his words that can win my heart right now.
Days changed to weeks, then weeks to months, and I began to be able to reduce the sadness of losing my brother. But the longing for Mahendra is getting deeper. The story and joke of the Pakistani man over the phone is not enough to treat my longing for him.
Our current-distance relationship lasted for over a year and during that time Mahendra always sent me messages that made me want to quickly get back into his arms. Many of my friends are unsure of the permanence of our relationship. “Which is near one city or village only many break up, what else is far!” “Far in the close eye in the heart it is no longer valid now! Now this, deep in the eyes yes deep in the heart too!” “Which is close can be cheating, let alone the far!” Those are the words that are often spoken by my friends at that time. I only replied: “Supon Allah! If Allah wills, then distance is not a problem!”
Our second meeting in South Korea was brief - it was not able to let go of all the longing that was in itself while to plan another meeting requires a big cost for both of us. But the sophistication of communication technology today makes things easier . Long distance is no longer a problem to let go of longing let alone international phones that already use various applications no longer require large costs and make it very easy for us to just meet face to face or give news.
The conversation between Me and Mahendra is getting more intense and varied. Sometimes my poetic soul just wants to say that I miss my boyfriend so much.
Armed with English still at the intermedite level I tried to express my longing for mahendra with my poetry through whatsapp message .
(For you who are far away, Walled by distance and time, Limited space between us.
(For you who are far away, confined by distance and time, the space between us is limited)
Do you still keep your heart for me??
(Do you keep your heart for me??)
Do you still miss me??
(Do you miss me??)
(For those of you far away.).
I hope you always take care of your heart
(I hope you take care of your heart.)
Like here I keep my heart.
(Like here I keep my heart)
If I'm here waiting, I hope you're there to guard
(If I'm here waiting, I hope you're there to keep)
If I'm here praying, I hope you're faithful there.
(If I am here praying, I hope you are faithful there)
I didn't expect to meet you
(I didn't expect to see you)
But I ask to be united in God love
(But I ask to be united in the love of God)
I don't know why falling in love this time made me suddenly turn into a poet. It seems that at this time God has indeed dropped my love for this one Pakistani man. And because of this falling in love - I changed. I began to try to change my appearance that used to be a little masculine to be the opposite - more feminine.I who never like to dress up now have joined the habits of my sisters who like to hunt for cosmetic equipment. Actually at my age - it feels weird to behave like that. But I just want to look beautiful and fun in Mahendra's eyes.
"It's better to be yourself, Di" rebuked Aproita-my best friend when she saw me who began to change my appearance a lot.
I realized - the thing I used to really dislike is pretending to be someone else to look good and beautiful in the eyes of others.
And Mahendra is a man I know who accepts my condition for what it is. With a face that looks like a scrap of disfigured marks on my cheeks and forehead, a slightly stocky body and a left hand that was not perfect due to a single accident a few years ago.
In the past everyone was admiring - if my behavior was a little masculine but not a few men who tried to get my love. After the disaster even though there were men who expressed love for me but they just imagined my condition "before".
Ah already. I can only give up my door to God.
Tonight-I just want to sit by the window in my room. Enjoy the night view .
The sky stretched as far as the eye could see only black clouds could I see from my window. The breeze gently stroked my face, I was happy to open the window of the room wide, I hoped the wind would come back soon and take me flying over the clouds so that I could see all the places of my memories with my beloved. But the wind was already outdone by the rain that began to fall with the splashing of water soaking the earth and stemming the memories in my mind that I could hardly forget in the city of seoul. I don't know what the rain means by beating the wind, or I want me to forget about my lover and he'll erase all my memories.
But rain, forgive me, I will not follow your wishes, you may wipe it out there but you will not be able to remove it from my heart.
I miss Mahendra too much.