I LOVE YOU (I LOVE YOU NOT)
The Love Quarrel II

Lately I've been feeling very bored and hateful at my job. I don't know if I'm not good enough at my job or because of the already uncomfortable situation created in my work environment. It's no secret that working in a government environment there is often a conflict between personal interests and positions, work that is too demanding additional things outside the task makes employees like myself feel depressed. One side there is also dissatisfaction with what I have been getting all this time. I used to find it very easy to get a compliment or a position but now it feels so difficult for me to achieve especially since I was married even until now I feel people only judge me from my emotions not interesting and agile first. My fat body, my ugly cheek*cubby*and my status as a widow seemed to change people's view of me.

Sometimes I compare when I work as a government employee and when I work in a private company. Of course, every job has its advantages and disadvantages - but for me who already feels like working in a large company that I really put forward work professionalism it feels very upset with the inequality that occurs between employees in government. No doubt a lot of bad stigma that has sprung up in the community about government employees in this country - public servants are lazy, do not go to work but still get paid, difficult to get a GHG, he said, if you have a brother in the government, it can be ASN, a stagnant career, can not develop the ability and there are still many other slashes that develop in the community.

But-well some of the things that caused my hatred to appear in my work I tried to get rid of. After all, to get another job at my age that almost stepped on the number four felt it would be difficult.

The ugliness of myself - the nature of *moody -* me is sometimes carried away with my mood - even my attitude changes to Mahendra.

Why can't I be like everyone else - be a fool with all the burdens of my work. Yes why not, my mind.The reality of my discipline and hard work will finally not be taken into account.

Work time is quite free plus my daily life living alone at home since my mother decided to settle in Jakarta - I spend more time playing with the keys computer-painting or just busy myself by playing my phone.

Especially usually in a day Mahendra can call me a few times - but somehow the habit began rarely dikkukkan.

As a boyfriend - sometimes there is a concern if a day is not mutual news.

I tried to shake off all the bumps in my brain.

Tonight - on a whim I opened a facebook app that I hadn't opened for a long time. Suddenly crossed my curiosity to find out more about Mahendra from his social media.

I've been friends with Mahendra on both Instagram and facebook - but it never occurred to me that I would find out more about what was done or the people around Mahendra.

One-by-one I searched his social media status and one by one I opened his friendship collection.

Seen some friends of one profession with Mahendra and some people who I know his face and Mahendra once told as a member of his family. But how many women from different countries with sexy looks instantly made me jealous.

But the quarrel between us was the beginning of a relationship that was quite far away - communication that began to be less intense and the longing for a reunion.

Mahendra who is very busy with his work lately makes him very rarely communicate with me - whereas I am as busy as anything still take the time to greet him - even if it is just telling me about my activities or turmoil because of work and longing on himself.

Distance, is the one word that makes most people quarrel with each other including me. How not, the name of the person who is in love must be very eager to get closer. If you can be with each breath, every second from before to after closing your eyes.

"I could just leave you. Leaving you alone. Make you live your life the way you have in mind. Live by doing a boring job and make you angry. Fulfilling one agreement to then be agreed with another agreement. But is it the life you want?" (I could have left you. Leaving you alone. Make you live your life as you have in mind. Living with a boring job and making you angry. Fulfill one covenant and then be established by another. But is that the life you want?) sahut Mahendra when I questioned the sincerity of his love for me.

" I've fought and lost before, I'm not ready to be betrayed again,"(“I've fought and lost, I'm not ready to be betrayed again,”) I said again at that time.

"Who betrayed you?(who is a traitor) he said in an angry voice. "Di-I love you. I don't care about everything that has happened to you in the past. Even though you, with all your thoughts, still harbor hatred in the past. You are not alone, many people think so too. In this suffering we are equal and we have the same hope" (I love you. I don't care what has happened to you in the past. Even though you, with all your thoughts, still harbor hatred in the past. You are not alone, many people think so. In this suffering we are equal and we have the same hope.) Mahendra once again tried to convince me.

I was in a very trusting relationship when we both loved each other. Yes, me and Mahendra. We are both equally dear. Equally needed. They both wanted and admired. I with all my carelessness and Mahendra with all his discipline and perfectionist attitude. But lately I kept thinking, am I too naive to see the reality. The long distance-communication that wasn't as intense as it used to be and the very difficult meeting we had planned again made me think Mahendra no longer loved me.

" Listen Di-I was getting mad doesn't mean hating you or stop loving you. I didn't call or text you it doesn't mean I don't care about you.Its only just a pause to remember us how valuable someone we care about is." ("Listen Di-I'm angry doesn't mean hate you or stop loving you. I don't call or text you doesn't mean I don't care about you. Just a pause to remind us how valuable someone we care about is) Mahendra said in a soft, earthy-sounding voice.

“"I just want you to be happy. I don't want you to love me or care about me,"(I just want you to be happy. I don't want you to love me or love me,” I said.

“Oh my God's. Whats a Nonsense" (jeez What nonsense is this)” Mahendra replied in a slightly raised voice.

Mahendra immediately broke off our conversation on the phone.I tried to contact him again - but there was no response from the man at all. I know all my words hurt Mahendra's feelings. But I think that my turmoil and jealousy are very reasonable. I don't want any more traitors in my life-betraying my trust and love. I don't want to love a man who can love another woman at the same time.