I LOVE YOU (I LOVE YOU NOT)
Longs I
The fifth day of my time with Mahendra in Seoul made us feel even harder to part ways. Not for a second did Mahendra want to take his eyes off me. Even his hands were clasping my hands tighter.
"I hope we will have more days to stay but we cant." (i hope we still have a few days to stay. But it can't) Mahendra said breaking the silence between us.
None of us are willing to separate. I don't know when we'll be together again, my mind.
"In, promise me you will never leave me." (In-promise that you won't leave me)
"Of course I won't"(of course not) I replied while gently patting her cheek. His sturdy jaw made me show a masculine Mahendra face that made me fall in love.
Tonight we purposely spent our night sitting in a garden bounded by a hedge of love padlocks. A romantic night atmosphere with a view of Seoul's flickering lights from the height of Namsan Tower, plus a loving feel no doubt make many couples visit the place at night.
" I don't want our memories for these days be lost along with the twilight that is being driven away. I want these memories to always be with us until bringing us for a marriage. Forever." (I don't want our memories of today to be lost with the twilight that was washed away. I want these memories to be with us until they lead us to a wedding. Forever) Mahendra told me. Then my hand was brought close to his face and a warm kiss of Mahendra's lips gently kissed my hand several times. I don't know if I feel this man beside me is so considerate of me - but there is something propping up in my heart whether his treatment will remain the same for me as time passes.
I stared at both of Mahendra's round eyes. Those eyes look teary. Actually, there are many things I want to ask the man - but not a word can come out of my mouth.Entah-the shadow of my past romance with Edi make a sense of trust in men arguably does not exist. But on the other hand there is the comfort I felt while with Mahendra.
The night was getting late - the cold wind occasionally hit my face so that it made my lips moody and frozen. Mahendra did not budge at all from that place while I felt like quickly returning to find the warmth of the hotel room to melt the ice tonight.
Suddenly I felt my phone vibrate from inside my jacket pocket. At first I did not respond. I think that there's no way people still send messages late at night like this. Especially now heading to 01. 30. But I tried to see it might be true that there was an incoming message.
Instantly I read the incoming message that turned out to be from my sister-in-law-inneke's wife my brother's number two.
(Assalamualaikum Di, sorry to interrupt your holiday. My brother is very sick he always asks Diana.)
I was surprised to read the incoming message. Oh God how panicked and confused my mind was at that moment. Then I remembered Papa's departure and I was in Sydney with Mahendra. I couldn't even accompany Papa at his last moment - and only returned to Indonesia after two days of Papa's departure.
Tears unconsciously dripped from the corner of my eye. My hand trembled in response to Kak Inneke's message to me earlier.
"hey, why are you crying? ( hey, why are you crying) Mahendra asked me as she saw me several times trying to wipe away my tears.
Mahendra glanced at my phone. He tried to read the incoming message addressed to me - but the language barrier he didn't understand finally made the man ask me.
" who's sending text? And what is all about? (who sent the message? And what does all this mean?)
"my elder brother in hospital. He has serious illness" (my brother is in the hospital and is seriously ill) with a sad face.
Mahendra was silent for a moment. The sound of his sighs sighing. Then the man stood up from his seat and extended his hand to me.
I welcomed Mahendra's hand without knowing what the man would do next.
"we go back to hotel now. And tomorrow you can go back to Indonesia. I will ask my partner to reschedule your flight. " (we are back at the hotel. Tomorrow you can go back to Indonesia. I will ask my colleagues to change your flight schedule) Mahendra said later.
I nodded in agreement. Honestly, I'm so afraid I'm gonna lose another member of my family when I'm away from them. But on the other hand I still want my company with Mahendra.
Mahendra was getting tighter in his hand - we deliberately hired a taxi that would get us to the hotel faster - although the distance from the hotel to where we were hanging out tonight was not far away.
When we got to the hotel, Mahendra led me with a tight grip until we entered the elevator that led us to the fifteenth floor where our room was.
To be honest when it comes to my family I've become very melancholic inversely proportional to my true nature that other people usually know.
Arriving in my room-mahendra looks busy with his phone call his coworkers. The man sat on the sofa in the corner of the room by the window - once his eyes looked at me - but I could not reply with a smile. I was really upset with my own thoughts.
When in Sydney and we got the news about my Papa's condition getting worse and had to be treated in ICU-Mahendra it was that calmed Me and my sister who were confused at that time wanted to go home in condition panicked.
Mahendra who I just knew was willing to trouble himself to exchange our flight schedule which is still one week away in sydney to be able to go home faster.
Before long Mahendra put his phone on a small table beside him.The man walked up to me and then sat next to me with a position slightly docked to my body.
"Dont worry At. You can get your Flight by tomorrow morning to jakarta.and I promise you I will range for our next meeting soon." (Don't worry, Di. You'll be home tomorrow. My friend has booked a flight to Jakarta tomorrow morning, and I promise you will plan our meeting soon) Mahendra is trying to calm me down.
Actually, my return to the homeland has been ordered by him for a few more days - but mahendra know my grief when receiving news about the pain of my beloved brother will not make me enjoy my vacation while in seoul with him. Mahendra also knew how panicked I was in the country when I got the news that my Papa died.
"In, believe me your brother will be fine." (Di-believe me your brother will be fine)
"Yes. I hope so. " (yes. I hope so) I answered uninspired.
Tonight Mahendra deliberately slept in my room - then he kept the boundary between us and respected my desire that we not do what our religion forbids. Mahendra took a pillow from the bed and placed it on the side of the sofa chair he was sitting on.
I tried for a while to close my eyes - once in a while my eyes turned to the man who had fallen asleep on the sofa who looked not long enough to be slept with by the tall Mahendra. I got out of my sleep. I lifted the thick blanket of the hotel and intended to cover Mahendra's body to feel more comfortable. I silently looked at every curve in front of me - I really would miss this face, the look in her eyes and the touch of her hand.
Mahendra looked very sound asleep - and I still couldn't take my eyes off his face. My courage came to look at that face as this man fell asleep.
Early morning
I woke up to hear an alarm from my phone ringing. The alarm that I set deliberately to wake me up before dawn prayer time arrived.
I woke up Mahendra who was still sound asleep - intending to ask her to pray dawn together.
"Honey-wake up. Time for pray."(happily wake up to prayer time) I whispered into his ear.
The man opened his eyes slowly wriggling his shriveled body adjust to the position of the sofa and with a little unconscious tried to sit down.
"oh yeah. Thanks honey. Wait a second" (oh yeah well baby. Just a minute)
This morning for the first time I prayed in imami by Mahendra. Although it was a bit awkward - but this is my chance to test the obedience of this man in performing worship.
"Assalamualaikum Warahmatullah's. Assalamualaikum warahmatullah." said the first and Second greetings Mahendra ended the morning prayers.
Finished folding our prayer equipment - Mahendra then said goodbye to return to his room. This morning he wanted to drive me all the way to Incheon International Airport and let me go back to Jakarta.
Time has shown at eight o'clock in the morning korea time. Mahendra still did not want to leave me alone at this airport - My scheduled flight at ten with Garuda Airlines felt like I wanted to step down longer because it was hard to part with Mahendra. But anyway I have to go back to my homeland - because right now what I have in mind is my sick brother.
"honey-time for me to go" (honey-time I have to go) I told mahendra.
The man just nodded then he embraced me tightly. No matter what agreement we have to keep our boundaries before we actually become husband and wife.
My steps felt heavy - once again I turned to Mahendra who stood looking out beyond the limits of the immigration checking room. Her sad-looking face made me want to run to hug her again - but Ah no. I can't let my feelings get any deeper bound by her..
The journey that took more than seven hours did not make me one bit able to close my eyes. My mind was overpowered with the shadow of Mahendra and my brother. Both choices are heavy for me right now. But the fear of losing me is getting stronger.
Arriving at Soekarno-hatta international airport I immediately ordered an online taxi that would take me to the hospital where my brother was treated. Some of the messages that went into my phone repeatedly rang out shortly after I restarted my phone that was all the way in the off position.
(Di-Bang is in a coma.You've reached where) the incoming message from my eldest brother-Devi makes my feelings and thoughts more and more unbecoming.
O God-Do not give the test by losing my family members-inwardly pray. These lips incessantly spoke salawat to calm my restless heart. The car I was riding in stopped right in front of the lobby of the MMC brass hospital - I took my things from the trunk of the car immediately I rushed to the room where my brother was being treated.
I saw some of my family members gathered in front of the nursery. I immediately opened the door to the room - the sound of crying was heard in the room.My eyes were immediately fixed on my brother who looked helpless on the bed with his pale face.
O Allah - a week before I left for Korea I still see my beloved brother is in good health and still took time between us joking as usual when meeting.
Seen by me My mother was sitting next to my brother and his tightly clasped hands were holding my brother's hands that looked very weak and pale.
I brought my face closer to Bang Derta's face - I gently kissed her forehead and tried to look fresh in front of her.
"Diana-Babang is glad you're here." she said in a stammering voice.His breath was as if tired just to say a word to me.
"Yes-bang. Brother must be strong. You need to be healthy" I replied. I no longer have the power to hold these tears to flow. Yeah- I don't want to look sad but I can't let her go either.
Bang Derta smiled - that smile felt bland to me because I was not willing to look at it with all its pain at that time.
"Abang apologizes to your dear brothers." Bang Derta's voice was soft.
Bang Derta raised her weak hand towards my face. As if with all his might he was trying to caress my cheek. " "Titip take care of Mom." she continued.
Bang Derta still had time to say the sentence before closing her eyes slowly. The departure of Bang Derta was so unbelievable that we all felt suddenly. It was only a year ago that papa left us - and now my family has to lose the older brother we love so much.
"My boy... O God my son." cried Mother at once her cry broke the room. We also simultaneously hugged the body that had been stretched stiff in front of us.
I could not help but cry - I embraced my mother's trembling body and seemed unwilling to let go of my older brother.
Just a parting sentence that I can say right now. "I'll always miss you Bang. "