The Journey of Love Habibah..
The heart of Qodir

There was a sense of relief in Qodir's heart after expressing what he had been feeling to Lina.

Because she wanted to be asked many times about her feelings for Lina, the answer would still be the same.

Slowly but surely, Qodir could already feel it for sure. If the love he fought for Lina wasn't real love. Rather his obsession with Lina's love while they were still together.

And unfortunately, he was too late to realize his mistake. Even he was forced to lose the person who had subconsciously filled his heart to the full.

And right now she's hanging on with Lina not out of love, but her guilt-redeemer on the one who has brought her heart.

Yes, he is Habibah. Who has now become his ex-wife and has even become the property of others and has lived happily.

He was forced to be silent in the face of all Lina's bad temper, not because she was a patient person. But he was punishing himself for sins he knew were hard to forgive.

Maybe he will get forgiveness from God, but he is not sure he will get it from his ex-wife and the fruits of his love with Habibah, he said, well he is a boy who has now grown up to be a handsome and good boy, he is Zain.

Verily, Qodir longed for his only son. But he didn't have the courage to come to see her.

Because he was well aware that he was unfit to bear the status of father of the sweet child.

None of his obligations have been fulfilled for the sake of Zain since the child was still in the womb Habibah until now the child has reached the age of six years.

Now he must be willing to feel the pain due to his longing that he has been craving for years.

As for Lina, she felt even more jealous of Habibah. For even now Lina had not been able to give offspring to Qodir.

Lina was really afraid that one day Qodir would leave her only to return to her ex-wife and son.

It was also the trigger for the quarrel between Lina and Qodir.

Lina could never escape her often unwarranted jealousy. Many things made Lina jealous of Habibah. But Lina did not want to admit that there were many things that she did not have from the many advantages possessed by Habibah. Even though the woman never felt the excess.

***

In the morning after the dawn prayer, Qodir rushed to the kitchen to cook breakfast and make porridge for the mother who was sick because of her illness, mom couldn't eat a hard textured meal. Food can only be ingested if the food is soft and smooth textured.

While Lina, still enjoying the comfort of the bed she occupied. Lina rarely touches the kitchen. Not that he could not cook, but rather that he was completely reluctant to serve the Qodir family which he thought was annoying.

Lina is a person who does not like to pretend to be sweet and good in front of people who do not like her. Even if it was in his in-laws.

"When are you going to be like this?" ask his father suddenly.

" This way how the hell is pa?" qodir asked pretending not to understand the meaning of his father's question.

" Living like this? What kind of household have you been living in all this time? Papa is tired of seeing your house that has no direction, no calm and happiness in it.

Qodir, the household is not just to get married status. But there is a noble purpose in it.

In addition to legalizing orgasm, there is also the value of worship. And the value of worship will not come by itself. There must be an effort.

A friendship that will make us feel comfortable, peaceful and happy. Not what you've been doing for years.

Do not torture yourself if there is no way out, then you should just end it instead of bringing violence to everything, son." said Mr. Yusuf at length.

Qodir's father was not a typical person who talked a lot and meddled in the affairs of others. Especially about the children's homes.

But if until his father just open his voice about the Qodir household, it means there are things that really can not be accepted.

" Yes, pa. Give me a little more time. I'm still thinking about the best way to make this decision. But I promise I'll talk this through with Lina" though Qodir's heart can't be sure he'll be able to talk to Lina.

Because he knew exactly what Lina was like, let alone this about their household which was now completely at the tip of the horn.

****

" It looks like we need to talk good now. Don't use emotions so that our problems are solved quickly." Qodir started his conversation with Lina after they finished dinner.

" What do you want to talk to me about? About us? What does our household mean? Or about your family?" cecar Lina fast.

" On us Lina, our household." replied Qodir flatly.

" good. What do you want to talk to me about? I want to hear it now." said Lina impatiently.

" Lina, I know what I'm going to say this is going to sound ridiculous and hard to accept. But whatever it is, everything I say is reality and inevitably we have to accept it" Qodir said.

" Oh yes, don't use any pleasantries. Talk about the point what? I'm lazy to talk so convoluted." said Lina impatient with the pleasantries done by her husband.

" I've known for a long time that our marriage started with a mistake. The mistake has continued until now Lina.

Mistakes we shouldn't have done, but we did."

" So you're sorry for marrying me?" Lina interjected in annoyance at the statement from her husband.

" Maybe no regret, because whatever the name should be from the beginning we stop all these mistakes" said Qodir stopped for a moment while adjusting his breath that began to feel tight chest.

" What do you mean you talk like that?" lina's tone of voice instantly also rose several octaves upon hearing Qodir's last statement.

Back when I knew Habibah, I really hoped that what I intended was for worship. Even though my marriage wasn't what it was when I married you.

But as time went on, I realized that I married her was right for worship whereas I married you because of my obsession that was delayed because of your passing first.

I know this is clearly my fault. I should have been able to get rid of my obsession when I met you again, especially when you came back I married a good woman like Habibah.

Unfortunately I had forgotten and been blinded by an obsession that felt so beautiful that I thought that all I felt and thought about was my love.

But in fact I was wrong, after I married you and left my wife and children whom I had never even touched. My heart feels empty and empty.

If I really love you instead of obsessing over you, how can I feel the emptiness and loneliness in my life?

And stupidly I, I just realized that love had grown in my heart for others without me knowing before. But I can only feel it after I've completely lost him and I'll never have it again.

I'm sorry Lina, but this is how I feel. Apart from my family who never approved of our marriage. And maybe because of the absence of rest from them also our household as we feel all this time." Qodir paused his words to see the reaction shown by his wife who had listened to the honesty of his heart.

" So, you married me out of obsession? Not because you love? You are really evil! What did you think of me all this time?

I love you with all my heart. Even I was willing to be reviled just for the sake of being able to live with you. I even wanted to leave my family for you.

I never cared what everyone who sneered at me said, even if I ignored my parents just for being with you.

But is this your reply to me, Mom? How can you say all that lightly even after all these years we've lived together?" lina's tears accompanied every word that came from her lips.

Lina did not know if her husband loved Habibah, his ex-wife. But she really did not expect that her husband would tell her directly.

Lina had hoped that, with time, she could reclaim the heart and love of Qodir as before Qodir met and married Habibah.

But in fact, the time that is not a day two days, even years he fought actually ended with painful results.

She was still unable to erase that feeling from her husband's heart and even he who lost everything.

" That's why I'm sorry for you Lina. Maybe I'm too late to tell you all the truth. But it's better than I never told you at all.

I don't want to keep deceiving you or deceiving yourself. Because it will only continue to hurt us as well as the people who are around us." Qodir tried to be as calm as possible, although he could not describe how he really felt.

But something must have been felt by him. It was a feeling of relief, because he had managed to say what he had been keeping in his heart for so many years.

" I don't accept it ! I really don't. bis.a accept all this? What exactly is your purpose in saying all this now? Do you want to pursue your love again? Is that possible? He was married and lived happily. And until when will you continue like this?

Can't you open your heart to me again like before you met your ex?

I don't care about anything, as long as you learn to love me and love me the way you used to. I can forget all you say now and give you another chance to be able to fix everything from scratch." Pinta Lina with tears that have not stopped as well.

He really didn't want to lose Qodir. Already stifled, Lina had already lost everything in order to get Qodir back. So, how could he just give up now.

" I'm sorry Lina, it doesn't seem necessary anymore. We'd better end it soon. For the good of us together. Because it is useless if we continue, because it will only continue to add wounds to many hearts."

" I don't want to ! Until whenever I won't take it if you want to divorce me. Especially just because of your ex, I don't take it !" lina exclaimed as she stood up from her seat.

" Don't be stubborn Lina ! Because it's useless, I'll never be able to go back to how I used to be. I really can't Lina. If I could, I should be like I was after all these years together, right?

But actually until now I can't Lina. Even now I can't get my parents' blessing. And it really tormented me Lina. Understand..!" unconsciously, Qodir's emotions had been provoked after hearing Lina's screams at him.

This is what makes him unable to continue to survive with Lina, he does not feel respected and appreciated at all as a husband by Lina.

He would always be reminded of the habibah whenever treated like that by Lina. For though Qodir did not know Habibah well enough when he married her, he could feel very well how to be respected and valued as a husband.

Although marriage can be said because of arranged marriage, but Habibah never demeaned him as a man even as a husband.

Even when he betrayed the marriage, Habibah still respected him. And it hurt her heart every time she remembered her stupidity. But unfortunately, that regret will never be able to restore what he has thrown away and lost.

Tonight, Qodir and Lina had to fight again. Which at first was fine, but still ended in a fight that seemed like there would be no end.

Although still, in the end Qodir was the one who had to leave Lina who was still dissatisfied to vent his anger.

Oh Allah...

How am I supposed to end this by not hurting anyone anymore?

I'm really tired, God...

Give me the best way so that no one else gets hurt for what we did.

Especially my parents.

Tonight Qodir finally spent his night in the mosque which was not far from where he lived.

He gave tikaf there, in addition to calming down also looking for clues in solving the problems he was facing.

Meanwhile, Lina, still grumbling until she felt tired by herself and fell asleep with a room that was no longer like a room, because it was messy due to Lina's tantrum that vented her anger in the room.