Enigma A Feel
11 ESP'S

🌼 Status 🌼

I'm here now. In a place where I once whined to you to lead me to complain about my fate here.

I've heard them say that you drove him here. And I thought, there's no exception for me when I ask for the same thing. But I was actually wrong.

There's a difference between the status of someone I never understood. I think I'm the same as him. If you say yes, to him, why not to me? Butno. There will always be a yes from you to him, but not with me.

I understand very well now, that his status is higher than mine. She perfected her beauty, her intelligence and even her wealth. As for me, it's just breadcrumbs compared to the perfect one. It is not your fault that you prefer him over me.

But I'm not wrong, am I? Because from the beginning I somehow never knew that the feeling that I believed would not be there for you, in fact, had infiltrated secretly, and did not want to leave again. Even up to this moment, when my feet stepped on this foreign city. Suddenly the feeling resurfaced with the hope that I could find you among this crowd of 2 strangers.

I'm stupid, aren't I? Or too naive? Both are no different, no. Because every time that feeling comes back, that miss knocks on the door of the heart. And I became even more foolish, hoping that you would know someday what is in this heart.

Surabaya, November 5, 2018

🌼 Trust 🌼

I'm here now. In a place where I once whined to you to lead me to complain about my fate here.

I've heard them say that you drove him here. And I thought, there's no exception for me when I ask for the same thing. But I was actually wrong.

There's a difference between the status of someone I never understood. I think I'm the same as him. If you say yes, to him, why not to me? Butno. There will always be a yes from you to him, but not with me.

I understand very well now, that his status is higher than mine. She perfected her beauty, her intelligence and even her wealth. As for me, it's just breadcrumbs compared to the perfect one. It is not your fault that you prefer him over me.

But I'm not wrong, am I? Because from the beginning I somehow never knew that the feeling that I believed would not be there for you, in fact, had infiltrated secretly, and did not want to leave again. Even up to this moment, when my feet stepped on this foreign city. Suddenly the feeling resurfaced with the hope that I could find you among this crowd of 2 strangers.

I'm stupid, aren't I? Or too naive? Both are no different, no. Because every time that feeling comes back, that miss knocks on the door of the heart. And I became even more foolish, hoping that you would know someday what is in this heart.

Surabaya, November 5, 2018

I don't know why until this moment it's always you. Who reigns and reigns over this heart. I don't know, why every little thing, can make my memory come back to your figure, like a short conversation with a co-worker a few minutes ago. Makes me think back to the story you used to tell.

I'm tired, tired of remembering all the memories that only hurt me. I'm tired, tired of holding hope in something without direction. I was tired, tired of trying to forget but it didn't work either.

So tell me, what should I do?

I never knew knowing you could make my life what it is today. I never knew that your brief presence would be a meaningful memory to me. I never knew, if a feeling I never thought would be there for you, was suddenly present and reluctant to leave.

In this world there are things that we think don't make sense, but they do happen with my feelings for you that I don't think make sense to exist, but they live in the heart until this very moment, even though I was forced to die repeatedly.

Tell me how to stop?

I want to stop making you the only one who reigns there. I want to stop remembering you all the time and throw away my tears for nothing. I want to stop chasing after your long-gone figure and refuse to return. But, until this moment I still can't throw away.

All the stories you tell always turn in your head. Every time I miss you, come say hello. All the words that have ever spoken from your lips are always embedded in your headWhenever tired and saturated come whack.

So, how do I give up?

Love is a very mysterious thing, isn't it? He came to settle down and made this heart his nest. He came without permission and settled down with no intention of leaving. Though I have repeatedly denied.

Until this moment, though,

I admit that the taste is still there and remains the same. It does not decrease even though time and distance separate. Even though various efforts were made to make it sirnah. But all that effort was in vain.

However, I realized that the feeling was only me. Never got your welcome even for a second. Therefore, I am still deepening the efforts to make it sirnah. Throw away the feeling I call love. For you a heart that never thought it worthwhile.

Sidoarjo, November 13, 2018