Enigma A Feel
12 ESP'S
🌼 Travel 🌼
Life is a journey. The journey comes and goes. And the journey left and abandoned.
But everything is not easy. Sometimes we find it a fun trip. And sometimes too, the journey we take is so steep and heartbreaking.
We never know. Where do we take our feet. Where is the real purpose of our journey. All we know is we just have to follow it. Walk step by step according to our ability. Never knowing where our ultimate goal is.
Just like that feeling, the one suddenly present and knocked on the door called the heart. He never knew when the feeling would come. He could only feel it, just like a gust of wind. But the difference is, wind gusts can quickly come and go. But, the feeling was easy to come but reluctant to leave. Even if you forcefully stop.
The more you force it to go, the tighter it will become. To ensnare your once-free heart. The more you are forced to remove it, the more real it becomes. Makes you think thousands of times to press the delete button in your heart. The more you force him to forget, the stronger he gets. Encapsulate you with longing, which you cannot avoid even if you think you can.
The feeling was also a journey, a journey to find his last port. Just like how I feel, it's also a journey to see you.
Life is a journey. Just like how I feel walking to you. In the hope that you will be my companion until the end. Can I hope? Can I accept this wish of mine?
Ah, I'm chanting again today...
For the umpteenth time, I was chanting and still about you
Pasuruan, November 20, 2018
🌼 Angan 🌼
Sometimes, I envy people who can easily forget. And move on to a happy new life. While I was, still fixated on that one guy alone. Whether this is a form of loyalty, or just naivety.
I once told myself that I should be happy too. I deserve to be happy like everyone else. I had to get out of that wound to heal. But in fact, when it was quiet and alone I even recalled all those memories. And make the incised wound become more sore.
I repeatedly cursed myself. That I should be aware, because you've chosen to leave. And will not come back. But my heart still holds that hope. If someday you will come back in an amazing way. Even though I knew it was just a wishful thinking.
But, do you know that wishful thinking is what makes me able to survive? To this day, to this day. Ah, it will be too much but when you go through what you cannot live.
🌼 Sometimes 🌼
Sometimes I think, what does all this mean? I tried so hard and sacrificed my teenage years for that dream, but in fact I couldn't achieve it.
Sometimes I think, what does all this mean? I try with all my might to do my best to make her happy. But in fact, he who I love left without ever being able to see how hard I tried for his happiness.
Sometimes I think, why did God put me in this position? I want to laugh like everyone else, without any burden. And do all the things you want without caring about the others. But again, I can't either.
Sometimes I wonder what it all means? I met you at that crossroads. Knit the days with you, create sadness, joy, anger, hate, laughter and all those flavors. But in fact everything was just a moment and now we are back as usual, like strangers who have never met before.
Temporary...
My heart cannot go back to being as it was
When I met you, I thought. "Ah, I finally found you". The most comfortable place for me to lean. The most comfortable place for me to complain. It's the best place for me to stop getting tired. Unfortunately, once again, only I feel alone.
While you..
Have another heart that you take care of with all your feelings
Am I crying? Don't ask me that question, because you know better than myself. You know how easily that clear liquid drips from the eyes wetting the cheeks. But even then you can no longer stop at that crossroad to wipe away those tears. You keep going with certainty. Without a care I grieved being hurt.
Do I hate? If I could, I would...I want to hate you, curse you, and swear at you. But in fact, I can't. I can't even just hate. Because of how much I hurt. You are the owner of my heart. I don't know until when..
Is it until my hair is bleached? I don't know, because until this morning. When I typed in those strange sentences in this empty space. My tears were flowing non-stop. And you are always the reason why he fell.
Pasuruan, December 12, 2018