Enigma A Feel
17 ESP'S
🌼 Nihil 🌼
A friend once asked me. Did I ever do something I shouldn't have done and I regret it until now? Yeah, ever...
At that time, after a very severe fear was present, I did something that was not in line with my logic. I ventured to send you a message. Telling me all the things that are happening to me. Wish you read it, and encourage me. But the result is nil...
I cursed myself many times. Counts each time the clock moves from one second to the next. Check every time there may be a reply message from you. But in fact it is nil...
Should not reply from the beginning. If you never really cared. Shouldn't give me hope. If in the end you drop me without mercy. Shouldn't make me smile in a split second because of your reply. If in the end you turn it into a cry in just that second as well.
Sounds like you blame, right? Yeah, it sounds like it would. But if you know, what I blame more is myself. I hate myself who always try to be tough but in fact weak in front of you. I hate myself for trying for years not to remember you, but in fact you never go a second from my mind. I hate it, I hate myself like that.
And therefore, until this moment that's the biggest regret of my life. Expecting you, waiting for you...But all I got was a sham.
#Bag,23/3/19
🌼 To Stranger 🌼
It feels exhausting, trying to chase you. I walk to you while you run from me. I'm trying to align my steps to be on par with you. However, I always lag behind you. And then I chose to stop.
It feels heavy, not easy, of course. We used to be separated for a while in this place. But then this place separated us forever to this day. You go back to where you belong, and I go back to where I came from. We sama2 return to being strangers later. Like the day we didn't know each other before.
Malang, 1/4/2019
🌼 I Want 🌼
Feels fun...Sharing stories with friends about the past. Laughing at all the sadness and pain we've ever felt before. Tell me about the first time I liked someone. Mention his name bashfully and often pay attention to him silently. But in the end, they were not meant to be together. But we can still laugh when we remember him now.
And I waited for that moment to come. A time when I can laugh about my past with you. The past, can I call it that, right? Since you are no longer by my side now, then you have already passed through the filter of life and memory right?
I would love to be able to laugh at all our memories and not even shed tears. I want to make you the most beautiful memory I'll ever have for me without anyone knowing. And I would like, someday I can laugh at my naivety that I once loved someone so deeply and yet not appreciated.
After 14 years passed, we shared stories and laughed at the past. After 14 years we are no longer ashamed to hide our feelings as we used to. After 14 years passed, we finally put the strings of friendship back together.
So, do I have to wait 14 years to laugh at my unrequited feelings? I can't, it's too long. I don't even know if I was still treading the earth or not. So tell me now that I have no hope waiting for you. So I can kill the feelings I've been harboring for four years. And I can laugh at myself, though tears will come along with my laughter.
Maiden,5/4/19