Enigma A Feel
4 ESP'S
🌼 Lost 🌼
Only the pen and paper are the places where I should divide the load. Hasn't that been the case since? I should have come to my senses that it was not the right decision to share what was my burden with others. Not because they would not care or even ignore. But, more on them have problems and busy as well, right?
I realize I was wrong. Time can change everything, until everything is different like never before. Even though my fear is still on the same thing. Bereft. Ah, loss? Should I say that as a loss? I know very well that I am not my own. So, should I say it as a loss, while it just goes back to its true owner?
Two days ago, exactly where the fear was haunting, I somehow started writing in this empty white space again. Without expecting a reply, I just write because from my writing in this empty space, I hope my burden can be reduced slowly and disappear silently. Just like this writing, which changes with the writings of others second by second, minute by minute until what I write will be forgotten, even by myself.
Pas, 19/8/2018
🌼Lose 🌼
That night, you know how hard it feels to fight with yourself, where the heart and logic are opposite and uninclined.
I told myself I was fine.I was as strong as ever. I can get through everything perfectly.
But in fact, I lost against my heart, until I finally did something that I shouldn't have done, something that you probably hate so much. Ma'af, if my ego is always high, while you have to put your hate in your heart.
I repeatedly cursed in my heart, blaming myself, who casually involved you in a burden you did not even want to know at all. It forces you to strengthen what you don't even want to do.
You are comfortable with your life, while I can only break it to ashes. Ma'af. Ma'af. That's the only word I can say. Maybe it won't mean anything to you because I can't give back your wasted time because of me. But, through that word I put a sincerity in it. May you remain in His protection.
One morning, in the corner of the hallway, I realized that I only had myself and myself.
Pas, 21/8/2018
I hate black because it is dark. I prefer white. You know why? Because black we can still hope, that there will be a little light that will infiltrate in.
While white, we can see in real terms what is around us. As at this time, in this room with white dominance, it can be seen clearly..Empty, uninhabited.
Pas, 21/8/2018
🌼 Same Choice 🌼
Do you know how valuable time is? Hugely. And even I have to beg you to ask for your time. That's why I don't want to lose time. No, not for a second if I can.
That's why I'm staying on the same decision. I missed a good opportunity, a better offer of life, which people said would not come twice. But, because of that, because opportunity doesn't come two times I don't want to lose it.
For me, careers can be sought again. But, keeping the only person I love and care for in this world will not be searchable anymore when leaving is not coming back. If so, tell me where should I give that devotion and devotion again?
I'm not going. I chose to be quiet and stay, despite the painful conditions. I don't care what people say that I'm better off going, or my brothers' own words that I have to think about myself too.
They are wrong to think that I am not thinking of myself. Because in fact, by choosing this path, I am more than thinking of myself. To me, this steel bone hero is my life right now, my universe. Just as the sun is the center of the solar system, this steel bone hero is my center.
I'm not leaving, just two reasons I'm going to choose that path. First, if he asks and secondly I have reached my limit to be able to bear everything again.
Pas, 21/8/2018