RUSTING BOAT
Chapters. 5

Twelve full moons have passed. My relationship with Mas Haris has been going on all this time. But the signs I could open up with Mas Haris have not been fruitful. I still feel comfortable with the friendship zone with Mas Haris.

Although close to Mas Haris, but I always avoid if the man began to offend about feelings. Especially the things that lead to the declaration of love.

One night on the river Mahakam. Mas Haris said the word that I had been afraid of all this time.

" Astma, for some reason, lately I'm really happy to see a little boy playing around. I also want to have children."

I furrowed my brows, feeling incomprehensible with the direction Mas Haris spoke.

" What did Mr. Haris mean, huh? I don't understand? " I asked Mas Haris asking for clarity from the words he said.

"I mean Asthma, if this friendship can continue on to something more serious, why don't we try to open our hearts to each other and become lovers, Asthma?" I was silenced to hear the words Mas Haris said.

" What does the word father mean?" I asked with a pura expression confused by his words.

" Stop calling me Father. I want you to call me Haris. I was your boss in the office. However, right now we are talking as two people who have a heart relationship, Asthma!" said Mas Haris in a slightly higher tone.

I cast my gaze deep into the water of the Mahakam river that flowed profusely down there. Don't want to look directly at him.

" But right, Mr. Haris my superior, so I have to how this is , sir. uh I mean mas! " I looked down, caught my breath as Mas Haris clasped my fingers tightly.

" Be my lover, Asthma! " smart Mas Haris. I immediately pulled my hand from Mas Haris' grasp.

" Don't joke, Mum! " My heart was pounding - pounding realizing that it turned out that the thing I was afraid of was happening as well. Mas Haris expressed his feelings for me.

" I'm not kidding, Asma. I like you! I want to protect you and take care of you!" said Mas Haris.

" No, Mas. That's not love. It's just a sense of comfort.! " i'm trying to pinch Mas Haris' statement.

" No, Asthma. I'm sure that I love you. You know, I want the two of us to not only have a superior and subordinate relationship, but I want more of it. You do understand what I mean, don't you?"

I stared at Mas Haris. Don't know what I'm supposed to do. Mas Haris expressed his love openly to me.

I shook my head. "No, I can't, sir. uh Mas! "

" Why, what can't? Tell me, Asthma! " Mas Haris looked at me riled up.

" What Mas Haris feels is not love. Mas Haris was wrong in judging Mas's own feelings. Mas Haris must not have such feelings towards me." I lowered my head to avoid Mas Haris's stare that was already raining sharply upon hearing the words from my mouth.

" What's wrong with that feeling. I am free and not bound by anyone. The same with you, Asthma. So tell me where's the fault of this feeling? "

" Yes, clearly wrong, Mom. Because all this time Mas Haris has not known who I really am." I replied.

" Then explain now to me, who you really are, Asthma! So I can get to know who you really are. Don't confuse me with everything." Mas Haris grabbed both my hands.

" I can't do it, Mom. I'm afraid, if I explain who I really am, that Haris might not want to see me anymore." I gave a reason instead of shying away from Mas Haris's question that set me up.

" Just try. I'm not that kind of person. You don't even know me! " his hissing is sharp.

" No, I can't. Better Mas Haris forget about me. Just save Mas Haris' feelings for the other girl who deserves it more." I said ambiguously.

" Why is it so hard for you to say, Asthma? Do you think I don't deserve to be the man of your life? " I'm angry to hear what Mas Haris said. I think he misinterpreted my intention and purpose in saying that to him.

Silence happened a few moments between us. I know, Mas Haris was still trying to dampen his emotions when I told him to just forget about me and ask him to find another girl.

I fell silent and went back to feeling nervous. I squeezed both my hands. There is a restlessness that is crawling my heart right now. Do I have to honestly tell Mas Haris.

" I am a widow, "I am barely heard.

" What?" mas Haris eyes almost jumped out when I heard my words earlier.

" I'm a widow, Mom. That's why I can't accept you. You deserve better than me, Mommy." There was relief after I said that to Mas Haris. It felt like the heavy weight I felt on my back was gone.

For a moment Haris fell silent. Maybe he was shocked to learn the real facts about me.

I then stood before Mas Haris when I realized the old man's residence.

" Let's go home. I think Mas Haris already understood the reason why I rejected him. Please take me home now. I'm tired, Mom! " i said as I moved

" Ashma, let's get married! " take Mas Haris suddenly while standing holding both of my hands.

" Yes..! I told honestly who I was so that Mas would come to his senses and could choose a better one for Mas! "

" When I get a girl, can you guarantee that I will live happily? "

I fell silent without even bothering to hear Mas Haris' question.

" Reply, Asthma! Would I be happy if I married a girl?"

" Ehh. Yes, Mom. Of course Mas will be happy." I replied in stammering.

Stupid.. That's the dumbest answer I've ever heard given can be a woman named Asmawati Basrie.

" Snick, you're really petty, Asthma. You judge me the same as other men who only judge a girl by her hymen and by her outer scales alone. Well..I will prove that I really love you, Asma! " said Mas Haris.

" Even if you love me and can accept my shortcomings, but not necessarily the family members also want to accept me." Mas Haris was silent.

" Let's see, Asthma. I'll prove that your whole assumption about me is wrong."

I bite my lips, it hurts. However, it is even more painful to see people sneer at me if they know who I am. The status of purple color that I see, in the social life of the community can not be fully accepted in the social status of a person.

Not all of it is of my will. But I also cannot refuse. Widow status is not an option. However, does a widow have no right to live happily and feel what love is? "

Sometimes I ask in my heart, is it really my choice to choose a life of widows rather than re-opening my heart to other men.

...----...

It's been a few days, me and Mas Haris haven't seen each other. Ever since our conversation that night, I've been trying to avoid meeting Mas Haris. I don't want to talk about things I think are just a waste of time.

I realize that it hurts to be in a relationship that loves only you, while your partner does not.

I've experienced something like that. While I was fighting to defend my household ark, I was thrown out without ever knowing that it turned out that all this time I was the only one who loved.

I used to dream about a relationship. Where the relationship will be eternal and everlasting, like the stories found in fairy tales. A relationship that ends when only death has the right to separate.

But a fairy tale is still a fairy tale. It doesn't happen in real life in this world. The Asa I knit with a stretch of prayer in each of my prostrations, did not materialize. I still lost, no matter how much my prayer shook the sky to seven.

In the past, I once offered a love to a man with a mature skin, tall and has a sharp gaze. The man who graduated from Mechanical Engineering offered a lump of love to me. I was pounding, stupidly accepting and locking it tightly in my heart.

Until finally the blue streaks of painstakingly tore through the contents in it. I was hobbling around for the key, but all I got was a loss.

I lost my husband, I lost my father, and I lost my son. I lost all the love I had. All because of someone.