RUSTING BOAT
Chapters. 79

He really dumped me...

My heart. It hurts so much. Like being hit by a giant hammer. Shame and humiliation, this is the third time Syafrie has appeared to me.

Oh, my God. My heart hurts so much.

I threw my eyes out the window. Deliberately.so that Syafrie does not see the dew ripples falling on the corners of my eyes. I don't want her to see the mother of her children cry just because she.

" As long as with Haris, I'm willing to let you go. I'm sincere as long as you're with him. I promise I won't shed a tear. " God, it turns out Syafrie has not finished making my heart hurt for the umpteenth time.

My already wounded heart was like being watered again with vinegar water. Sorrow and pain.

" But why, Syafrie...? " I asked in a hoarse voice. Half-dead held back so that my cries would not break and were heard by her.

" because I'm sure you'll be happy with him. Harris is a good man. "

" Continue, you...? " This time I don't want to turn around. Staring into the ripples of the eyes of the man who had once incised a deep wound on me. I don't care if he'll finally see the dew ripples there.

" Astma, I realize my love must have been very painful for you. All this time I've been very selfish by forcing you to

take me back. In fact, our past is so bad it must not be easy for you to forget. For that, Asthma. I'll let you go now because you deserve to be happy."

I stared at Syafrie. Damn it. found Syafrie's expression misty sorrow when saying all that made my tears slide without me being able to hold back.

Fadil's father's hand was outstretched wanting to rub the grains of clear crystal that fell in the corner of my eye but I violently thinned it.

" That's enough. Stop right there, Syafrie. Just listen to what I'm about to say." stop me when that hand almost touches me. Had it happened, I'm sure, Haris' former lover would have fallen into Syafrie's arms and cried sobbing in Syafrie's arms to remove the numbness in her chest. And that would be a shame.

But thank goodness... Syafrie obeyed and obediently heard my words. Although there was a look of disappointed faces and wry smiles depicted there.

.

" I think I'm going to be a good and perfect mother by breastfeeding, taking care of, and caring for our child Fika." I started my words. Syafrie seemed to agree.

"I think that helping and guiding Fadil to learn well and to bestow all the affection that he had not had will be enough for us. Until I thought we didn't need you anymore. But it turns out I was wrong. Even though I was confident that I could take care of Fadil and Fika alone and be a great single parent to them, still they needed the figure of a father. Surely they will feel a lack of affection if they do not have one of us." I said so fluently but in the least I did not dare to look at Syafrie's face. My gaze I dropped in to the green color of the flowers on my negligee.

I don't want Syafrie to see my face which might soon be pleading with her to make peace with me.

" After all, I think that hating someone for a very long time is exhausting. I don't want my hatred for you to make things difficult for the children of the future "I said again.

" Iyah.

" Instead of putting forward my self-esteem and selfishness, I choose to give in and forgive all the past. I don't want to hurt our innocent children until they end up with an incurable trauma. With us back to parting. I thought maybe kids would be happy to see their parents back together."

"You're right, Asma.... " Once again Fadil and Fika's father nodded at my words with a glum look.

" Silver... " I called out to the man who was wearing a cream-colored shirt that day. He looked at me and looked at me with sadness. " I don't know for sure when this hatred and anger in my heart will be completely gone. But I want to try it again for us. I want to give us a chance to get back together again. "

I'm not lying to Syafrie or anyone. I'm telling the truth. I wanted to try our chance together again

Since the birth of Fika I have thought a lot. Added to that with new events - recently happened to me. I thought about a lot of things. About me, about my future, about the happiness of my children. Parting with Syafrie is not the right decision just to sate a grudge that will somehow end.

How can I smile with satisfaction when I find my children waking up in the middle of the night crying over our farewell?

Am I willing to bear that guilt?

The answer is of course not. How could I have lived with that guilt for the rest of my life.

In the past, everything seemed wrong. My destiny, the destiny of Syafrie, my family's decision, Fadil's presence and Syafrie's decision.

Everything does look right in my eyes and the eyes of the people when my goal of leaving Syafrie is really realized. In my head, there was probably just a word divorce back then. I am not willing to live with someone who has incised such a deep indignation in my heart.

Even though Fadil begged me at that time with a groaning and crying blood. I was thinking, why think of Fadil's happiness if I'm not happy myself. I refused to think of Fadil's happiness and even I rejected Fadil.

But I was wrong. I misinterpreted happiness itself. I was wrong to be selfish.

It turns out that being a parent cannot be that selfish. We can't think of ourselves. I should have known about it if I had grown up and realized all that.

Why don't I ever think about how Fadil feels. While I know for sure, the heartache does not taste good. It's hard to eat, it's sleeping and everything's hard.

All this time I never asked him what he wanted. I don't think about what my son wants. I never asked her opinion. Fadil never asked to be born into this world through my womb. He did not choose to be my son. But his presence is in this world because of the prayers I pray.

But why have I passed cruel to Fadil.

That's why I want to fix everything I've broken. I want to be back with him again. Although they have to get back together again with humans who have incised wounds that still bleed.

" Don't feel sorry for me. " Syafrie looked down and stared at the floor with a stern look. " To what extent will you continue by my side, Asthma.. The Xinta I have is even too painful for you to hold. Very sad and scary. Go with Haris. Pursue your happiness with him. I'm sure you'll be happy with him. Men like Haris can lift your dignity as a woman, Asthma. "

I stared at the young man towards the man. Asked with a voice stuck in the esophagus. " But why is Syafrie..why are you pushing me? "

" Because. because I love you so much, Asthma.. "

Love...? What love, Syafrie?

There was a twinkle of hope in his eyes even though I also saw a gaping melt wound. " I want to see you happy. "

" But why.... " I urged him because I felt he couldn't accept me.

" I'm actually having a hard time making this decision. For me, this was the hardest decision of my life. I've been thinking about all this for a long time. Since the incident at the market that night. The events of you and Meli fighting have opened my eyes. When Saniah told me about your condition while fighting with meli at that moment, it stirred my consciousness. Like I was hit by a giant hammer. I realized how selfish I was. My desire to have you back made me create a new Asthma figure. Asthma that is full of resentment and hatred for others. The asthma that I once knew was gentle has changed into a violent woman. I'm getting scared, Asthma. My hands are shaking. Until I couldn't drive anymore. My mind was busy being filled with thousands of questions. How could all this happen. What will happen to him. Is he gonna be okay. What if something happens to him?

those are the questions that haunt my mind Asthma. I couldn't concentrate on driving until I stopped my car and called my friend. Finally my friend took me to see you. That's why I was late to pick you up that night."

I cried with tears at Syafrie's words. All this time I didn't expect. I thought he was the quietest man on the face of the earth.

" That's why, Asthma. Than the longer you lose your identity if you continue with me. Then we better end the relationship that has been broken since the beginning."

I'm closed at a loss for words hearing Fika's father's words.

" So all this turned out to be a charade? You pretended to be sweet to me in front of everyone. All the sweetness you have directed at me is sheer pretence? The love you showed me was all a lie, huh? " I shook my head weakly. It feels like my heart is in a pinch. I'm like I'm out of blood. Staggering away from Syafrie. The whole room turned around. I almost fell if Fadil's father didn't catch my body immediately.

Oh, my God. Somehow I described the wound that had been the umpteenth time he had inflicted on my heart. He completely destroyed me until it was shapeless again. Syafrie is cruel. Once again, I fell back.

She soared me to the heights of the clouds by adoring me like her queen. But after that he threw it back on the ground like a lump of dirt. I think I just want to go back to death.

He made me feel like I had no pride at all.

I could feel the shame I felt because of how much I had begged him to come back together. I have lowered my own pride. And that part is how sorry I am now. Because he was determined and sure he rejected me.

With a limp body I tried to walk to bed. Luckily, Syafrie still helped me.

He led me to bed. Put myself down carefully. After laying my body on the bed, I asked Syafrie out.

I need to be alone right now. After all by continuing to be with him here, it would make me really like losing my pride. Because I don't know how to cover up the shame of Syafrie's refusal.