EXO: "EXOPLANETS"
29

I looked towards Chanyeol once more and on closer inspection even with her blank expression I could see fear in her eyes. I've made a decision. Choosing between strangers and friends, it is an easy choice to make, but that doesn't mean it's easy to get through.

I raised the gun towards the target with trembling hands. The man was still struggling, not succeeding against his restraint and I closed my eyes tightly.

How can I do this? How can I take the life of an innocent person?                                                           

"I want you to hit the bullseys," Vic and I command you to grip the gun tighter.              

I hate him, but I hate myself. I hate what I have to do and what I do. Grain of sweat ran down the back of my neck and my hands felt damp in the gun as I gathered my courage.

I hate that I need the courage to kill someone as if I were doing something brave or noble, when in reality I committed the worst sin of mankind.                                                                                                                             

I opened my eyes and my hands were still shaking, so I covered them with my other hand to calm down. I told myself to imagine the target, not the man's head and I took a deep breath. Unknowingly I was crying, I felt tears streaming down my cheeks and Vic said, "we don't have all day."                                                                                                                                               

Trying to ignore his words, I took another breath and tried to regain control of my emotions. I aimed and without thinking, I pulled the trigger.                                          

That's grisly. The worst sight I have ever seen. The bullet had pierced through the middle of the man's forehead and instantly his body bent over the chair. Not just a simulation this time, it's real                                      

He's already dead.                                                                                                                         

I killed him with just the push of a button.                                                                        

That's all it takes and I hate how physically easy it is. Mentally not so much. I knew this moment would be embedded in my memory for the rest of my life and I could not come back from this. I have taken the lives of others; my soul has been stained.                                                  

I let my body fall to the ground and my butt landed on the floor hard. I stared at the gun in my hand as it fell into the pit of guilt and self-loathing.                                           

I'm upset. Angry at them and angry at myself.                                                                  

They made me a murderer. They've made me a monster .                                          

Allowing pain, anger, and guilt to arise within me, I shouted furiously and took the gun away from me. It crashed into the opposite wall with so much force being crushed under the pressure.                                                                                                                                    

"You made me do this," I pointed at Vic threateningly and all I could see was red. My emotions were in complete control when I woke up, advancing quickly on her. With the advantage of surprise, he had no time to react when I adeptly struck the gun from his hand and it fell to the ground several meters away from us.                                                                                                     

Fear flickered briefly on his face and he was right to feel fear. I was stronger, faster and he knew I could kill him if I wanted to. He won't be able to stand up against me in a fight.                              

My anger pushed me forward and I didn't let it recover anytime when I climbed on it and punched it in the face. He reacted with a laugh and I think this guy is really crazy. He only made things worse for himself by mocking me.                                         

"YOU." I threw my arm back and punched her face again.                                       

"DOING." My emotions are in complete control of my body now.                              

"ME." I screamed louder and my voice began to ring in my ear.                             

"A." I punched again and finally when I shouted the last word, my heart broke, "KILLer."                                                                                                                                        

There was blood everywhere, in my knuckles and all over his face. It looks like I have done some damage and I know his nose is broken, badly.                               

I'm drained. That emotional display has taken all my energy. What have I become? Who am I to be? I don't even know anymore. I got down to their level and even though he deserves to be beaten, why do I feel so guilty seeing blood on my hands.                        

"I'm not the one who made you a murderer" Vic exclaimed and cleared his throat. I was surprised he was still conscious and was still trying to provoke me. I gripped his superior menacingly as a warning and he spat blood to the side before continuing, "you really think I'm in charge here? I'm just doing my job and trying not to get killed. Maybe if you look at the bigger picture, open your eyes wider, you will see who your real enemy is. "                                                                                                                        

"Enough!" someone finally shouted. I was surprised it took so long for someone to come in, no one ever tried to stop me. Maybe they don't care enough. Vic was right, he wasn't the one in charge and although he had the authority, he was just another, disposable guard.        

I looked up to see that voice belonged to Doctor Choi who was walking towards us. He held the controller in his raised hand and I knew what was going to happen.                                        

Electricity flowed through me and the pain ticked along my nerves. I lost all control of my body, became sagging as I jolted on the ground from the current.                                                                        

"It has to be done" he said, and that was the last thing I heard.                                     

***** 

I blinked a few times, trying to remove the fatigue from my body. After a while of lying still, someone by my side warned, "he's awake!"                                                             

I sat down slowly and Kai asked, "how are you feeling?"                                                         

"Not the best" I replied with a dry throat. My body was feeling tired and my brain was still trying to recall the previous events. "What's going on?"