The Tarnished Holy
My husband is her

She was still pretending to be busy with her leptop once I wrote what I wanted to write and I told her. It's been a long time , I've been absent from studying and it's back to remind me who I used to be , someone they call ustadzah and barely found a problem in his life.Maybe I'm too comfortable ,so that once God reversed the situation I was not ready to accept it .

My tears were dripping on the sheet of paper, giving marks to the scratches of the pen I had played with.I stared at her who was currently focusing on her leptop screen .The man who had legitimately become my husband was also the same man who had destroyed all my future. For whatever sake my heart is not up to accept his being beside me and have full rights over this self .

I took a breath, then put the sheet on the table .He seemed to stop his activities then took the sheet. "His legal condition is Fatihah !"His murmur was slow, but it was still heard in my listeners.

Indeed, it has been about two weeks our days were like this .There has been no progress in our relationship .My heart is still frozen, my gaze is still flat and our conversation is as necessary .Only in terms of religion, the rest does not exist.

The silly and trivial questions I never answered, why ...It all feels worse. I'm grateful that he appreciates me so much, although sometimes all the attention shown often disturbs my comfort .But ...I'm grateful because all this time, she never demanded her rights over me.

He's so considerate, he's been a good husband, he's never been angry even though I spend all day in my room and all the work he handles but somehow, ' 'cause ,it still feels bad in my eyes .

I still cry a lot, my heart is rebellious but my ego is too strong to be dimmed by faith.

"Fatihah includes harmony in prayer, and reading Fatihah in prayer must also have its requirements .If suppose his terms are not met then, the illegitimate reading . If his Fatihah reading is invalid, then our prayer certainly cannot be perfect because one of his pillars is flawed !" I explained, what should I explain .

It's about religion, he shouldn't be so heartened ...Ah, why should there be this kind of thinking, is he my husband ?

As usual, he would look at me, then seem to nod his head in a sign of understanding. She was under me, and I was free to notice her now staring back at the sheet . "Is there anything you don't understand ?" I tried to end .

He paused for a moment "No, I'll ask you if there's anything you don't understand !" He said he put the paper on the table. He never took offense, he really meant to be able to understand her .Like some of these nights, he didn't accompany me to sleep because he was too busy memorizing what studies I was giving. I estimate that his recitation of the Qur'an will be smooth in two weeks' time, and I think that's something worth appreciating .

I was just about to get up to go to the room she held my hand .I looked at my hand in his grasp, not knowing that my trauma was still not completely gone and I felt sad because of this .I'm sad, because I haven't been able to be his real wife for her .Although how strong I am against that trauma and try to be strong...My body's reaction was still trembling even though he also touched me often.

"Mas' company is here soon, 'Mas wants to finish this job !"Please him with such a hopeful look .I clenched my hands and he let go of his grasp.

"Mami asked mas to visit her, she said it should bring you come .She said, Mami hasn't introduced her daughter-in-law to her siblings and friends because our marriage is so sudden!"

I cry again hearing this nonsense .Is marriage not enough for them ? why are they so selfish and disrespectful to my current feelings ! "Not if you're still not ready !" Say it while squeezing my palm .

I looked into his eyes, trying to dive into something there.I know he was also injured, but I remember that he was the cause of all the injuries. "Mas will ask for his understanding on mami !"His words convinced me .I know she's so understanding, and I'm grateful for her .

"I'm sorry ! I still don't deserve to be a wife don't I ?" I said while looking at her with an apologetic look .

He shook his head softly "No, you're so deserving. And I'm happy to be married to you !"He said while shaking his head, not agreeing with my words.

My heart was about to hear it all, my eyes were heating up and I don't know how many millions of times these tears were dripping .I didn't see the lie in his sight, and I should've been happy, if only the one who said it wasn't him.

"I'm sorry !" It's the only word I ever said when I talked to my husband .There is no more .There's nothing I can say but that 'cause somehow the guilt always sets in, kneeling over my wounds. I was fully aware, not like this what a wife should do to her husband .Errata, if it wasn't him then I wouldn't be like this either.

I will be the angel of the earth as I have always said, I will obey, I will obey for the sake of attaining the riddho of Allah and I will ...

Argh, how can I reach my heaven if I become this woman !!

I was moved, and then as usual I found her head sinking on my thighs. This kind of thing we've done so many times, on a wound, a force, an apology I don't know .. I don't know why this kind of thing happened to me .

***

Hi brother, I'm sorry if you have a lot of typo .Salma is absent for the brothers who wait even though it is midnight. Do'a in yes let Salma healthy always so can write without obstacles.