NOT PERPETRATORS
Don't Watch Me Cry

"Imania, can you repeat your answer?" rudi said as if he could not believe what he had just heard.

I moved closer to Rudi. I stared at Rudi's sparkling eyes. Then I put my right palm over Rudi's palm. I threw a smile at her, and said again, "I want to date you."

With widened eyes, Rudi immediately grasped my hand gently. He also took me to walk to the stage. Then she said as she confronted me, "I love you."

Rudi brought the mic closer to my lips. The scene is exactly what Nessa and Dimas did. "I love you" said Rudi again.

"I love you too" I replied.

The clapping sounds were heard. Scroll towards Dimas. He seems uncomfortable with this situation. He seemed to be holding back his anger. I could see clearly that he was jealous of me. I know exactly what his fist means. And a cold expression on his handsome face.

Let alone. Let him feel what I feel. She asked me to reject Rudi, but she herself couldn't resist Nessa. Ah, I think it's balanced. You think you're the only one who can hurt me? I can too.

"good. Because right now, I'm very happy, so ..for all visitors who eat here, today it's FREE!" said Rudi, who was immediately greeted with applause and cheers from restaurant visitors.

Rudi smiled while looking at me. "Thank you .. for accepting me, Imania."

I returned Rudi's smile. And said, "Thank you too, for loving me, Rudi."

Next, Rudi asked me to play a piano song. I also nodded in agreement. Then Rudi took my hand, taking me to the piano that was available in front. After Rudi invited me, I sat down and placed my finger on the piano key.

A song, titled 'Don't Watch Me Cry' by Jorja Smith, I played. I express my feelings through this song. A soft and heart touching song. A song that represents my feelings right now.

Oh, it hurts the most cause I don't know the cause.

(Oh, it's so painful because I don't know the cause)

Maybe I shouldn't have been married when you left and told me not to wait.

(Maybe I shouldn't cry when you go and tell me not to wait)

Oh, it kills the most to say that I still care.

(Oh, this is so painful to say, that I still care)

Now I'm left tryna rewind the times you held and kissed me back.

(Now I try to repeat it when you hug and kiss me)

I wonder if you're thinking "Is she alright all alone?"

(I wonder if you're thinking "Is he okay?")

I wonder if you tried to call, but couldn't find your phone.

(I wonder if you ever tried to call me, but couldn't find your phone)

Have I ever crossed your thoughts because your name's all over mine?

(Have I crossed your mind?)

A moment in time, don't watch me cry.

(For a moment, don't look at me crying)

A moment in time, don't watch me cry

(For a moment, don't look at me crying)

I'm not crying 'cause you left me on my own.

(I don't cry because you left me alone)

I'm not crying 'cause you left me with no warning.

(I didn't cry because you just left me)

I'm just crying 'cause I can't escape what could've been

(I cried because I couldn't accept what had happened)

Are you aware when you set me free?

(Are you aware when you left me?)

All I can do is let my heart bleed.

(All I can do is let my heart hurt)

Oh, it's harder when you can't see through the thoughts.

(Oh, it's harder when you can't think clearly)

Not that I wanna get in, but I want to see how your mind works.

(It's not that I want to get into your mind, but I want to see the way you think)

No, it's harder when they don't know what they've done.

(No, it's harder when they don't know what they've done)

Thinking it's better they leave, meaning that I'll have to move on.

(I think it's better they leave, meaning I have to move to another heart)

***

In the evening, I was sitting relaxing with Fania and Arka on the sofa. We were eating cake and snacks we bought after Rudi's restaurant.

"Imania, what really happened to Nessa? Why did he say that? He said his age was predictable. What's that supposed?" ask Fania.

"He's got heart disease."

"really? Is it that bad?"

"What if Nessa lied? What if it was just an excuse for Dimas not to leave her?"

"That's impossible. I've had several times when Nessa's disease recurred. And he looked very sick."

"Hm .. hearing Nessa's story, it's only natural that Dimas can't dwell" Fania murmured. "Dimas must have stuck to his own promise as a child. And he was just trying to keep that promise."

If he was just keeping his promise to Nessa, why didn't he keep his promise to me? It was the same, that Dimas was acting unfairly towards me.

"Imania, I noticed Dimas' mimic when you and Rudi were close together. His face was, it looked like he wanted to slaughter people. I'm sure, he's very burning jealous."

"Yes, good."

Fania paused for a moment, then asked again, "Imania, are you seriously accepting Rudi? Or ... You just used Rudi to repay Dimas for what you did?"

Fania's question surprised me. "What do you mean?"

"I'm just worried, if until you lie to your own feelings, as well as Rudi's feelings. Don't let you just use Rudi for the escape. Or just revenge against Dimas. It'll hurt Rudi. And it must have hurt a lot. I can't let you do that" said Fania, who sat opposite me.

Fania's question made me flinch.

"Don't do that, Imania. What's the difference between you and Dimas? You're as selfish as you are until that happens. You'll also hurt Rudi's feelings. I can't bear to let Rudi get hurt."

"Fania, do you like Rudi?" my many. I watched Fania's gig at the restaurant earlier, like I wasn't happy watching my relationship with Rudi.

"W-what? Whats? I like Rudi? Oh, i-it's impossible, Imania. Please, don't joke, ha-ha! That's .. that's impossible!" fania answered nervously. That's enough to prove that Fania is lying.

I looked at Fania flinch. In fact, since the beginning of meeting with Rudi, Fania already has her own interest in Rudi. However, Fania still hid her feelings until now. Oh, this is not true. Supposedly, it was Fani who got Rudi's love, not mine.

"Imania, I just feel sorry for Rudi. He's a good guy. Yes, although sometimes very annoying. So ... don't think more! I don't like it. I just don't want you to hurt someone" Fania said.

***

The next day, I went to get Rudi. He took me to the office.

"Imania, take good care of yourself. Take care of your health, right? Do not get tired" said Rudi when he arrived in front of the office.

I answered with a nod with a smile. "Thank you, Rud," I said.

"Together."

Just as I was about to open the car door, Rudi held my arm. And it made me undo the intention to get out of the car.

"What's up, Rud?" I was surprised to see Rudi looking at me like that.

Rudi leaned her body at me. Closer his face to me. It makes me nervous and surprised.

"Rudi," call me.

Suddenly, Rudi touched and rubbed my lips using the tip of his thumb. "Your lipstick is a little messy" he said, continuing to look at me.

Immediately I turned away and turned my face to the left rearview mirror of the car. Right said Rudi, my lipstick is a little messy.

"It." Rudi picked up a piece of tissue located in the cabin. Then give it to me.

"Thank you" I said as I grabbed the tissue.

After smoothing the lipstick on my lips, I got out of the car, and went into the office. As I was walking towards my room, suddenly someone called out to me.

"Wait!"

I stopped my steps and turned to the source of the sound. Mr Wibowo?

"Can I go to my room first?" she still has a cold face.

"Good, sir."

Mr. Wibowo who was also just leaving walked ahead of me, and I followed behind him. What did he ask me to go to his room? What is just a job. Or is there something else he wants to talk about?

- CONNECTED --

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Note :

Don't Watch Me Cry is a song from the album Lost & Found (2018) released in 2017. Maybe some of you do not know the lyrics and understand the meaning of the lyrics. The song is performed by Jorja Smith.

Jorja Alice Smith is an English singer-songwriter from Walsall, West Midlands. Jorja attended Aldridge Secondary School. She released her debut extended play, Project 11, in November 2016.

The song Don't Watch Me Cry, means 'Don't See Me Crying'.

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