Thaha
Misunderstand

I felt my body swaying and staggering in the warm embrace that I believed was Louis's, I could even feel as I slowly touched the warm soft object, how then as my body slowly shrouded in a soft cloth over the chest, my ears faintly heard Louis's cry shouting in a strange language, perhaps Italian, I understood only one word "doctor", he said", maybe Louis is asking someone to call a doctor, that's just my assumption, however I don't understand a single word Louis is quick in a language I don't understand at all

I heard everything clearly and could feel a soft touch in both of my hands, Mommy's voice calling out my name softly, Louis's voice dominating the room with his loud cry, I don't know who she was yelling at.... ?

even though I could feel all that and could hear them very clearly, my eyes still refused to open, I tried repeatedly and forced them to open, trying to scream as I could to call Louis and Mommy, I wanted to tell them that I was fine, but strangely none of my calls they heard, my voice seemed to be stuck in my throat and reluctant to spit out

after a while I felt a different touch on my wrist, even I could feel a hand trying to open my eyes and a beam of light was directly on my eyes that were forcefully opened, I could see a beam of incoming and propagating light blurring my vision but somehow it seemed dim and not bright enough to wake me up, I was locked in a dark room that was sound and light-proof, alone, silent without being able to do anything

the room went quiet again leaving clangs and friction of objects with wooden surfaces, they all fell silent as if they did not want to disturb the doctor who was checking my condition

I no longer felt the movement of the doctor who examined me at this time and was replaced by the explanation of the doctor who could not be understood at the slightest by my ears who tried to steal the hearing, he said, I don't know what the doctor said to Louis, I was upset because I couldn't understand their language, couldn't they just use Indonesian....? or at least use English, why should Italian....? I was like a person with a sudden hearing loss, because what was heard in my ears was just a meaningless sound, it seemed like I had to start learning Italian so that at least I could understand their words, although I can't fully speak Italian

I again heard no sound near me except the movement of the big hand that encircled my right hand, the warm touch that had not moved since, the hand held my hand gently, though, his gentle sweep was able to bring calmness but also convey anxiety that also propagated as if to convey the message that the owner of the warm hand was currently in the middle of anxiety and worry without edges

"Zu, the doctor says Zu's good, but why won't Zu wake up...?" my heart felt like it was squeezed strong when I heard Louis's soft voice, his trembling voice made me even more unsettled, I wanted to wake up hugging him and make him whisper a sentence that was able to calm him down, telling me that I was okay, unfortunately I couldn't, not for now, I was too afraid of every reality that was currently waiting for me, the reality that every time will pounce on me and stab my heart, dragging me to the abyss of deepest sorrow, no!, I still can't stand it

"Zu, want to rest....? Zu can rest but, don't take too long ok" after saying that Louis helped open the veil that had since been still wrapped around my head, he also helped open my hijab, she said, and let my body wrapped in mihna clothes (the clothes worn by Muslim women in the house) that I was wearing earlier, after that he again laid my sleeping body on a soft, warm bed of soft cloth

I could feel her movements as Louis left me, somewhere Louis was going, this was what I was most afraid of when he left me and preferred to chat with his other little family, the sadness came without being invited and began to eat away at my serenity

I'm just a woman who can expect my husband's love just for me and our baby later, I'm just a normal human being who will be jealous, angry and disappointed when this heart is hurt, he said, I'm just a selfish woman who can't share it with other women to earn God's reward through my service to my husband, but I'm also an ordinary woman who can't resist the qoda' all that God has ordained over me, I am just an ordinary woman who cannot forbid what God has allowed, I do not hate the law of God to be united, because God has allowed it, how could an ordinary woman like me

I will forbid it, but if I may ask, I only want the love of my husband undivided for other women, just like Khodijah's mother who never shared love, she said, just like I sayyidatunah Fatimah who will cry when her husband will share love, I also for the sake of more, I do not why live a simple life like Iyidatunah Fatimah, as long as the love of my husband leads me to the love of God, I am okay to sacrifice good possessions, feelings, feelings, and also the original energy of my husband's affection led me to the love of God which will always be poured out on me and will always accompany our steps at all times, I don't want to if because of this problem the anger and anger that rumbles in my heart affects my affection, love and respect for my husband, she said, because I realized that I was an ordinary woman who would always be tempted by the devil who had sworn to mislead mankind to the last day, so how could I keep my heart, if that anger bothers me, how can I do my husband's orders sincerely if it's in my heart a little bit of heartache.....? I was afraid, afraid if I accidentally did something inappropriate, afraid to do something for my husband without being sincere

but if it's like this......? what can I do other than accept it.......?

trying to make peace with the situation, when the heart wants otherwise....?

if only I could cry and complain like I said Fatimah when complaining to the Prophet

''Fatimah is a part of me, who hurts her hurts me, who makes her happy then she has made me happy.'' (Al Hadith).

to whom did I complain, to Rama...? or on mom....? they were far away in Indonesia while I was here in Italy, there was nowhere I complained except to the substance that brought all these flavors to me, only to God can I complain about my incompetence, my heart's sorrow at this moment, for God alone is the place where we pour out all grievances and only God is able to provide the best way out for me

"if you ask, ask Allah. And if you ask for help, ask Allah.” (CHR. Ahmed)

I could only cry in silence, trying to heal the pain that had been raining down on my heart ever since, the pain that had come from when I heard a little boy calling my husband Daddy, I want to eliminate the feeling that will plunge me into the valley of my destruction, I must sincerely accept the lack and give thanks for all its advantages, accept everything that does not contradict the law of the law of Allah

I tried to reconcile with my grief to strengthen my heart again and re-instill in my mind that the law of God is the best, including about the problems I face today, I must not forbid what God has permitted, and should not be troubled by it if God has permitted a thing to be of real significance, and if God forbid it, it is a good thing, it's a bad thing for us, no need to ask why....? god knows what is best for us

things change, things can, will not turn out to be illegal unless there is a proposition that forbids it, only I will be happier if my husband does a lot of Sunnah practice and reduces mubah practice, he said, I do not need to expect Louis to do obligatory practice, because for a Muslim the obligatory practice should be done

but want how else, the rice has become porridge, stay clever-minded Zu is processing the porridge that is there into a delicious menu to eat, chicken porridge maybe....?

I again felt the movement beside me, the soft touch I felt again, his hand now not only caressed my cold hand but also helped give a smooth sweep around my eyes

"why does Zu nangis.....? if there is a fear that I did accidentally, to hurt Zu....?" she whispered in her soft voice, that poignant tone, making my heart ache even more, I wanted to hold her whisper a sentence that was able to bring calmness to her agitated heart, but what power, what, even to move my hand I feel like I can't

a light and gentle kiss Louis gave to my cold palm, I could feel his lips also tremble, this tough man was not as tough as I thought

there was a long pause before the beautiful groove of the Qur'an spoken from his lips shed its shahdu, ushering in a shawl of peace and tranquility that began to seep in and envelop my restless heart, slowly but surely the calmness came, present and eroded all the pain and agony that had stopped

this beautiful melody is the cure of all my anxiety and anxiety, I am so grateful that Louis read this love letter of God, from every verse Louis recited it would usher in a message of God's love and compassion that could not be seen by the eye, my tears flowed again as my heart returned to feel the great love of God in every servant, the sadness of only the trinkets of the world that will actually be faced by everyone, he said, with sadness we are able to feel the happiness that awaits at the end, and I am sure that after this there will be happiness that awaits me