Thaha
should I say goodbye.....? 2

louis and I were sitting in one of the fine and classy restaurants in the middle of the city, and the visitors looked slow and organized, unlike my subscription roadside store that is always crowded by customers, in addition to the good food, cheap prices are another consideration for buyers to visit the place

I'm sure the people who come to this place have money that is more than enough to buy lunch at an unreasonable price

like the word they eat once only the price is the same as boarding child food for a whole month or even still a lot of leftovers

the view from the luxury of this place is like a wind that passes without meaning, and, how can I enjoy or admire this extraordinary beauty if my mind is filled with every word that crammed into each other to make me confused how I would say it to Louis later....?

I tried to cultivate a withered-looking courage and hide behind a drawer tucked away in the corner of my mind

before I opened the conversation while waiting for our order to come, I glanced at Louis who was busy braining his smartphone with my tail, my hands squeezed a small sling bag that contained all my favorite items, I had already prepared everything, besides the items I had to carry were not much, I did not have much, just a little Sling bag with stuff that was already in it, there was nothing in the house that I brought, I didn't take anything that wasn't mine, although there's one thing that's going to be "not mine" any minute that I'm trying to keep a meeting, I know I got Louis's name wrong and locked it in my heart, in any moment he will no longer be lawful for my love to hold it behind the veil of taste that resides in the depths of my heart

a waiter came to serve our order, of course Louis ordered it couldn't be me...?

"Buon appetito" he said the word Louis responded to with "Grazie" before he left the place we were sitting

even though I can't speak Italian it seems like I can guess what the word means, he allowed us to enjoy the meal, didn't he....? as most waitresses do, perhaps this is called 'understanding the language needs habits'

"need help.....?" Louis was about to move to shift his chair towards me, but I gently pushed him through the headband

I can still eat quite well if the menu I face is spaghetti, maybe it will be different if the menu presented is steak meat that must use a knife and fork to eat it, sometimes I am confused by most people who eat with the help of a fork, knife or spoon, even though God has given a multifunctional hand to help us eat the dish, he said, doesn't eating by hand taste better....?

I smiled as Louis looked at me worriedly....? maybe he's afraid I'll act like last night when we eat with his family.....? or maybe something else....? I don't know

'what was my way of eating last night that horrible....?' I'm deep in the heart

although my heart felt like it was on a sugarless lemon water flush, I forced my lips to smile in silence, letting him stare at me with every thought that rolled in his mind, I casually ate a mouthful of spaghetti in front of me, until the vibrations from the flat object he placed next to him caught my attention, Louis picked it up and spoke to the person over there in Italian as usual

o Allah I am like a toddler who cannot speak, even Elio can understand them very well

I unconsciously exhaled very slowly, trying to dispel the feeling that made my chest a little tight

"Zu, we're going to the hospital right now huh....?.?, Elio's in the hospital, he fell while looking for us" Louis said slowly and carefully, it was as if he was trying hard to keep my feelings

I don't mind if we have to stop what I told Louis when I took him to town, like eating, seeing how beautiful this city is and the many things we had planned before, although my heart is heavy to break my wish that I wish I could take longer to be with him before I leave this city with the love and good memories that I am trying to make

from this incident I am increasingly aware, how man can only try, and plan everything well, but he is not the final determinant, there will be a surprise destiny that always awaits in the middle of his long journey

and that's what makes the world feel beautiful, isn't it....?

remembering that in my mind makes my heart more sincere in living every site of life by always relying on God in every effort and effort that I am living

I ventured to hold her hand in my arms while strengthening my heart if this was the time, to release all the flavors that were chaining my chest so tightly, she said, and learn to release the sweetness that is present in the heart with the presence of Louis

"may Zu speak for a while, just a moment, afterwards, please if you want to leave, Zu will not get in the way" with a gentle and careful tone I began, saying, don't want to make him remember bad memories of me for the last time

"can.....?" I asked again, though I actually knew that Louis really wanted to see Elio right now

'o Allah, I'm sorry Zu, instead of Zu wanting to hinder Louis from doing his responsibility, Zu just wants to reduce the burden of Louis' responsibility and restore the happiness of his small family' I said do'a in my heart, ask for firmness in the substance that holds my heart

"Zu, why....? can't we talk about it later....?" I can clearly feel the uneasiness on his face, maybe he is worried about Elio's state, which old man is not worried if his baby is sick.....?

"can't, Zu wants to talk important, just for a moment, Zu promise not long" I took a slow breath before starting, maybe this will surprise him a little, but I'm also sure he will easily handle it

"eemmmmm, uh,.....Louis, can Zu ask Louis to release Zu....?" I thought that when I said it wouldn't hurt like this, but it actually hurt a lot, I even had to try hard to make my voice stay stable and my tears stay stuck behind my eyelids

quieted

she's quiet

the silent greeting carried a cold wind that gave me goosebumps and the air conditioning made things worse, I did not particularly like the silence that enveloped us at this moment

I glanced at Louis who was speechless, staring at me sharply with his perfectly rounded eagle eyes, his hands tightening and stiffening under my palms, it was as if he was trying to withstand every sense that was ready to explode right now

I heard a heavy gasp of breath blowing faintly along with Louis's hand which began to relax under my palm

" is Zu aware of what Zu said.....?" his voice was cold and piercing, I even shuddered in horror when I heard him, I had never heard Louis speak that coldly to me

I've prepared my heart for whatever the odds are today, whatever!, I've prepared to endure it, even when the worst possibility is that Louis leaves me in this place, I hope that when it comes I'm stronger than I thought

"Zu, I never thought, that word would come out of Zu's lips until death came to pick him up, but today I heard it very suddenly, can you know what the reason is....?"

what I hate most about men's basic attitudes and abilities is that they are God's creatures that God has included logical qadar over women, and I hate when I have to say the reason, because what.....? because I have to remember that I am the reason of a woman's heart and a wounded child

"Zu, just can't be in this position, Zu has tried, but Zu can't, it's too difficult" I've tried hard to make my voice not vibrate, but unfortunately failed, failed, I can even feel the clear dew that covers my current view

"what's too hard....? because my family has a different faith than ours....?"

I know Louis is trying to calm down, and I'm grateful for that

"no" I bit my lips hard, and tried hard not to close my eyes that would soon shed tears

"daddy's fortune.....?" he asked in a soft voice again, but I could clearly hear a thick tone of confusion

"or my cold attitude....?" clearly I heard her voice stammering even though she said it in a soft voice, was Louis afraid that I would ask to part with her because of her stiff and indifferent attitude.....?

I almost carved a smile into my tears as I thought of Louis' fear about it

I was no longer able to answer it, my cheeks had warmed up, even my tears were at the end of the hug, one blink I was sure the tears would slide freely, she said, so I decided to shake my head slowly

"so why.....? tell. me. why....?" Louis pressed down on every word he spoke as if channeling a tightness in his chest in every word of it

"Zu knows polygamy is permissible in Islam, and Zu cannot forbid what Allah has allowed, but.....Zu knows where Zu's limit is, and Zu can't, even if Zu has tried, please let Zu go, this is too painful, and Zu can't, Zu can't, please Zu, Zu please" I couldn't help it anymore, my tears slid with a rush, along with the words that slid violently from my lips that shook violently

"polygamy...?, Astaghfirullah, Zu where did all these thoughts come from.....?" Louis said in a quieter tone than before, I even heard his leaping breath slowly

how did he even feel calm when he heard my reason, did he consider it all just a small matter....?

o Allah when I tried to hold back my tears, and by hearing Louis's tone of voice that seemed calmer even made my tears flow more and more

I was silent trying to stop my crying which was becoming more and more so, I did not dare to let out my voice, I was sure I would not be able to say a single word well at this moment

Louis breathed out quite loudly, before continuing his words

"we'll talk later, now we go to the hospital first, ok"

I didn't budge in the slightest and still nailed to my seat, even though I clearly heard Louis standing up and shifting his chair, maybe he would go and leave me here....?

I thought to myself, 'is this not going to end peacefully....?'

my brain was thinking hard about what I was going to do next, Louis's footsteps sounded louder in my ears, I didn't want to bother anymore, whether I'd be here alone, if I'd be here, left behind or whatever will happen after this, let it be, whether it ends well or it ends horribly, whatever!, I just have to make sure it ends, that's all

"let's go to the hospital" his outstretched hand tried to hold my hand above his, I remained unmoved even as Louis pulled my hand gently not the least bit to shake my body glued to the seat

"Zu remember what I said during the sermon....? think about it, Zu can wait here until it calms down a bit, I wait in the car, ok, don't be long, Elio's looking for you" I felt a gentle sweep at the top of my head and a light kiss that Louis had planted there

I remained silent and quiet without responding

the longer the step, the further away left me who was still trying to calm my heart which grew increasingly claustrophobic

over and over I tried to exhale heavily trying to remove the invisible large chunk that was pressing on my chest, I got more and more confused as to what I should do

am I going to go back with Louis and see all that again....? the painful sight of a child expecting complete affection from his parents, will I be that lofty....?

'o Allah Zu is not able, help Zu O Allah, Abaghfirullah' I wail in my heart for help to the only one who is able to help me from every difficulty of life I face

back I took a deep breath, and wiped my tears with the back of my hand, almost using my khimar tip to wipe my tears, I said, but when I remembered that I was currently in an unusual place, it seemed like I had to extend my intentions

feeling a little calmer, I stepped out of my seat and walked towards the parking lot, I will ask for it again later, no, I still have not given up on my wishes, no, I do not want this anger and annoyance to be exposed to the wrong thing, although I repeatedly mengapal istighfar, but my heart still feels upset

my steps were getting closer to Louis standing there, leaning on the side hood of the car, before a van blocked my view and a man quickly walked out of the passenger door, clutching me with a cloth covering my mouth and nose, I tried to hold my breath and wriggle as I could, shouting Louis's name in a stifled cry, but slowly the black fog blocked my view, and my body slowly lost Energy

in the midst of my limited consciousness I tried to think positively in the midst of the panic that attacked me

'this is the answer, will I part with Louis in this way.....?'