Thaha
Long night

As the night wore on, the clock continued to roll around each number like a wheel that kept spinning on its final destination indefinitely, leaving behind memories and flashes of events that would never happen again, no one can turn back the clink of a missed time even in the blink of an eye, time goes on without anyone stopping it even though I always hope that time can be reworked, maybe I'll be more careful then, or maybe I'll never make the crazy decision to go home late that night, or I should have asked Rama to cancel my marriage even when it had not started, many suppositions were dancing in my mind, but anyway we twisted our brains to make that supposition come true, everything is just for nothing, all in vain, how much power we can hold or how much money we have until any moment will never be able to repeat the time left behind that I can do at this time is not a mark, if or if ever again, but trying to face what has been guided by the rope of destiny in every step I walk, the past let it be the past, the future is always the son-in-law for us to explore, mistakes in the past to make learning meaningful in life while the future is a place to realize every goal to achieve goals

I was pensive in the quiet room on the beautiful tapestry that had been prepared for me, whether by Mommy or by Louis, my prostration bore witness to how deeply bound my resolve was

my heart hesitates in every step I contemplate, like every dead end, just holding on to the confidence in my heart, if I do not want to break the happy smile that has been beautifully framed

I glanced at Louis who was already sound, trying to save as many of his portraits as I could that were captured by my eye lens

he who is currently filling one of the boxes in my heart that was originally empty, from which I know many new flavors that I have never tasted before, happy to have, longing for, waiting, even the pain of sharing, a million senses taught me how God had the power to turn every taste around in a short period of time

my hand outstretched to pick up the flat object that some days forgotten, Louis kept it very neatly in the drawer located next to the bed, I just got it earlier after the Isyak prayer, I just got it, and I'm grateful that Louis has enabled it to be used in Italy, of course it's already filled with providers that won't be used anywhere except here

I looked for a moment at the flat screen that now shows a picture of Louis seriously reading a book, whether who took it and set it as my wallpaper, maybe Louis....? because it's definitely not me

I tried to convince my worried heart to dial Abyan's number, which I repeatedly opened and closed

"bismillah O Allah may the path that Zu chooses be the path that you are pleased with, O Allah" Zu whispered softly and asked for the determination of the heart that holds my heart, if Allah eases every path and process, and in accordance with his law and his Shari'a, in shay'ah Allah the path I choose will not leave behind regrets that will make me cry tomorrow

slowly I pressed the call button that would connect me to Abyan's sister, my heart beating faster than usual as the sound of the connection echoed in my ears

"Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarokatuh, hello adek, how are you....? brother phone Zu yesterday but can not...? there was the voice of Abyan from there who looked worried, no wonder it is because usually I will eagerly accept his call and eagerly ask about many things that I think are interesting about the country where Brother Abyan is studying

"wa'alaikum salam warohmatullah wabarokatuh, Alhamdulillah kak, good news Zu, then Zu does not hold HP, Zu is at Mommy's house in Italy, brother Abyan how are you....?" I tried to make a small conversation before giving a surprise that would probably give Abyan a headache

"Alhamdulillaah, brother is also good, how is Italy...? cool don't....?" this is how we are if being connected in an invisible connecting thread that is able to release longing for someone we always miss, the more sophisticated the facilities used, the more, the closer the pseudo distance that stretches even though he is actually miles across

I told you a little bit about our life here, about nature and the beautiful scenery, the luxurious house that always makes me shudder when I think about it last is certainly about Louis and his family to arrive at the discussion that is my purpose

"sister, can Zu ask Abyan to help bring Zu to Italy.....?" I carefully asked Brother Abyan after I had previously explained about my position in this matter

"Zu, convinced by Zu's decision, did not want to reconsider, remember Zu, God hates divorce" Abyan would always ask for my every action, and he always taught me to take responsibility for my choices

"Zu know, why is the talaq right in the husband....? because women often put feelings forward, and you don't want Zu to regret later, talk to Louis ok first, contact your sister again if Zu has discussed it with Louis, ok, ok, remember you did all this because you love Zu because of God, and you will not support Zu's actions that will bring God's wrath"

the one thing I love most about Abyan is that he will always give me advice that can calm me down, he will always lead me to the light hidden behind a dark expanse

"God willing, tomorrow Zu will discuss with Louis, whatever the outcome tomorrow, Zu will tell brother" I felt a calmness that began to flood the recesses of my heart slowly

"yes, brother closed first, don't forget the evening prayer" the message Abyan's brother always gave me since the time I got my first period in middle school, first, the message was not only Abyan's brother conveyed to me but not to Absyar

"Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarokatuh" the phone connection was interrupted after I answered his greeting

after the conversation with Abyan ended I decided to find something that could save me later at the airport, even though I did not use it when I left for this place, but that thing will be needed when I go home later, sometimes I am grateful because our marriage has not been approved by the state, at least I don't have to take care of the papers I need for the court's needs, all I needed to complete this was one sacred word from Louis' lips that would end any unease in my heart, of course that sentence will also restore the perfect life for Elio and Elisha

my feet stepped closer to the small closet next to the bed, the drawer where Louis had taken out my phone earlier, hoping that my passport would be there too, along with my beloved wallet of course

I opened every drawer that was there but unfortunately I did not find anything in the first and second drawers, my last hope was the third drawer, but unfortunately I did not find anything in the third drawer, the one that lies at the bottom between the other two drawers

with a whistle of do'a I opened it as slow as I could, when I could see the contents, I cheered excitedly because all the stuff I was looking for was there, she said, the wallet with the only small sling bag I had, I opened and checked the contents of my wallet and also my bag, of course the contents were in accordance with what I remember was in there, he said, a few rupiah bills with different nominal, my ATM card ID and some member cards that I get from my subscription place, there is also a powder, and, petroleum jelly and some simple skin care I have

it turns out that Louis put the thing that I often use in the small bag, but here he has provided various kinds of skin care that I do not touch at all, except for the hand body that I was wearing after bathing, he even provided a change of clothes that I always found neatly arranged on the bathroom table, it could not be denied it was very easy for me, he said, at least I don't need to expend the energy to choose what clothes I will wear for today, standing in front of a closet with a lot of clothes often makes me dizzy

I was about to open my face and lie down next to Louis again when a knock at the door broke my intention, samar same I heard the sound of a heartbreaking little boy's cry I quickly opened the door and undo my intention that would open the face earlier

"Elisha, Elio" I took Elio from Elisha's sling and held him in my sling, the adorable toddler who was now crying with a red life and teary eyes immediately hid her face in the recess of my neck and curled up spoiled there

"he's up and looking for Louis, and say that he won't sleep with you guys, I'm sorry to disturb you at this hour" I could see very clearly the guilt emanating from Elisha's face, though I was the one who felt most guilty seeing this

"it's ok, It's fine, I'll try to wake him up and ask him to calm Elio's down, or you guys can make Elio calm together.....?" I tried to calm down Elisha who was still feeling guilty with a smile only that I was trying to engrave on my lips

"Zu, what's the matter..??, Elisha what's wrong...?" Louis approached us, perhaps he woke up to hear Elio's cry

"he's can't sleep and looking for you guys" Elisha tried to explain to Louis her whereabouts on our doorstep

" where's Matteo....? he's still not home yet....?" Louis seemed to have no problem with it, it was impossible for him to mind accompanying his son who was awake and strangely Louis instead asked about metteo, I don't know who Metteo was asking Louis

" he still in Japan" Elisha looked glum as he said that, longing letters emanated from his dim-looking eyes

" here" Louis tried to move Elio in his arms but Elio refused and tightened his hold on my neck

"it's okay, let's hold Zu" I tried to calm Elio who again hardened his cry when he was about to be carried by Louis while Elisha returned to his room after leaving Elio to us

I tried to cradle him in my arms, gently stroking around his back, trying to hum with the verses of the Qur'an I had memorized

I remained in a standing position holding Elio in my arms, leaving Louis, who was now sitting looking at us

"grandfather....?" he asked in a soft voice, trying his hardest not to wake Elio up, but his voice was still clearly captured by my auditory senses

"sleep first, Zu will be the same Elio following" instead of back lying down Louis instead moved from his seat and approached me

his big hands were coiled around my stomach and his chin he put on my empty shoulder, he was writhing spoiled by hugging me from behind, one hand raised to gently rub Elio's back

"Zu wants to have one like Elio...?" I fell silent and stopped my humming for a while before then a long thump, not meaning to say yes or not to refuse, I just did not know what to answer....?

"if I want to have something like Elio, or women don't matter either, Zu would...? effort together...?" I returned to long throats in response

my eyes are already dewy, I'm sure one more question from Louis about our future, I'm not sure I'm capable of stemming my tears

"tomorrow, Zu can ask to be among the streets to the city...?" I ventured to carefully ask Louis, I wouldn't be able to if I had to be in this position longer

I clutched two pieces that would lead me to endless suffering, Louis who clutched me gently as if promising me a happy future, while the Elio I approached always inserted a dagger that scratched my heart with a smile incision that delivered pain

approaching them like this seems to burn me in a pit of guilt that is increasingly peaking

"maybe, tomorrow I'll be with you, we'll drop by the hospital to see Ale" I agreed to go with him to see Ale's uncle, although I don't really want to know more from his family members, the more I get to know his family the harder it will be for me to leave him, the more I will feel guilty, dana's rethinking how I'm supposed to make the decision to split up

"Ahibbaki's Fillah"

when Louis said the words sincerely, I was no longer able to stem my tears, my hands held Elio tightly and hid my tears there