Wagering
It's Okay to Cry

Raya's mobile phone turned out to be nothing. It was just like a gateway that led Fabian to a place where there was more truth stored for over 20 years.

In the journal book that Fabian found earlier, it turns out Raya has written down every thing that happened in her life. Starting from the moment Jeffrey barged into his room drunk, then snatched away the most precious thing he held in his lifetime as a woman. When the man woke up the next day and nothing happened, it ended in the decision to move the Kingdom abroad in order to maintain the good name of the family. When Raya is faced with a difficult choice between keeping the child growing in her womb, or letting her die without having a chance to see the world. Until when Raya is head over heels risking everything she has so that Fabian can stay born and she can feel how to be a mother—hal she dreamed of a long time ago.

Not getting there, Raya also wrote down in detail every moment of Fabian's growth and development since the baby. The first day the boy was able to turn his body into a prone position. The first day the boy put something in his mouth other than breast milk. The first day when the boy began to learn to walk. Until when the boy first set foot in elementary school. Raya wrote it all down with a magnificent euphoria, as a celebration of her success gave birth to a handsome boy who never cried even though she could not be so friendly to the child.

In the journal book, Raya also wrote down what she passed during raising Fabian. There were times when he felt so frustrated that he thought about taking the child's life, then followed shortly after. Raya thinks the world is too cruel to be inhabited by innocent children like Fabian, so she thinks dying might lead her to a better place.

Until finally, he gave up. Of the two experiments he had done—all failed—Raya finally decided to keep her son alive. He could only whisper a prayer into Fabian's ear when he came quietly to the boy's room at midnight. And Fabian never knew that, if he hadn't found this journal.

Of the many writings contained there, there is one part that makes Fabian's chest feel tight. That is, there is a sentence that always Raya wrote every time she finished writing on one page.

“Hopefully the good day will come soon. The day on which I and my beloved Fabian—putra—can live happily without being overshadowed by fear and distress.”

That sentence now made Fabian understand fully, that more than him, Raya was much more hurt.

Reading the contents in Raya's journal without feeling has made Fabian's tears come back. He even momentarily forgot, that there was still Sabiru in the room with him. He refuses to take the girl home, intending to make a bit of a fuss for Baskara to come visit him to deliver a blow. He hoped, that way, his sanity would return a little.

It's almost midnight now. The short needle in the wall clock has almost touched the number 12. Though it feels, he just sat on his study table and searched the journal book owned by Raya a few minutes ago.

“Lo not seriously want to make me nginep here, do you?”

Fabian put down his journal, wiped the melted tears on his cheeks and turned the chair so that now he could look at Sabiru who was sitting on the edge of his bed. The girl crossed paths, and Fabian was obviously the girl's attempt not to show her anything that popped out from behind the thick black T-shirt she was wearing.

“Gue is still grieving, no energy for anterin lo go home.” Fabian. The matter of him who is still grieving is a fact, but the matter of energy that is not there to just step on the gas pedal is a lie that he made up. “Phone girlfriend lo gih, have her pick up.”

Blue seemed to snort, then rose from his seat still folding his arms in front of his chest. “Can be reog him if you know I'm still here.” Say the girl. Then, he thrust his phone at Fabian, showed him a chat room with Baskara who was there, the girl wrote that she had been driven home 3 hours ago.

“Gue had to lie with Baskara, for lo.” The girl said again.

“Nobody told you to lie.” Sahut Fabian indifferently.

“Terus lo wish me how? Be honest with Baskara, keep him coming here and you guys fight?”

“Crazy.”

“Udah of my old crazy, Bi.”

Silent. Blue didn't say anything because he realized there was something else in the way Fabian spoke. In plain sight, the young man was indeed not as involved as someone who was grieving. There were no cries of wailing, roaring like his world had collapsed and he had nothing else in the world. There are no questions as to why he is making a protest against God's decision. But, through the look of those fragile-looking eyes, Blue knew Fabian was clearly crying roars in his heart. The young man was probably just too used to harboring him alone, so when there was a chance to be able to vent out all the feelings that were in his heart though, he chose to keep it.

Amidst that silence, Fabian suddenly chuckled. Seen once his efforts to melt back the atmosphere of—yang when he himself has turned it into awkward.

“Serious very face lo. Relax, your boyfriend will not me anything kok—“

Grep's!

Now, it's Fabian's turn to be silent. Because all of a sudden, his body was embraced by Sabiru. As if the girl's worry about underwear that made her so frenzied a few hours ago, it was already no big deal for her.

Not just a hug, Fabian also received a swipe after swipe on his back that felt heavy.

“I know you’re not okay. During this time, you may be accustomed to not expressing your feelings. But, Bi, it's not good. Emotions that you pendam it over time will only accumulate and even make a great explosion later.” Said the girl.

“Anger, sadness, disappointment. Everything you rasain is valid. You can overflow it by shouting, crying, protesting. Whatever it is, that can make you relieved.”

“Gue is nobody, and I still don't know anything about the world. But if you need a place to vent all the feelings you've been alone all this time, I'm willing. You can come to me. Asking for a hug is okay too. I will love, as a friend who wants to live lo much better than before.”

There were still many sentences that Blue said next, but the one that Fabian was able to hear and digest well just got there. Because after that, he felt a tremendous tightness inside his chest. The tears that she endured, gushed out like a dam opened, drenching all parts of her face.

During this time, Fabian only lived for one purpose, which was to get the love he deserved from his mother. Just focus on it, to the point that she forgets that besides her mother, she has so much other love that is no less great. His friends, people he happened to help when he was in trouble, and now Sabiru. She still had many reasons to live, especially when she knew that to keep breathing this far, she had received so many sacrifices from her mother.

Just when the short needle and the long needle simultaneously touched the number 12, Fabian cried as if in Sabiru's arms. Letting out all the negative emotions she's been harboring for the more than 20 years she's lived.

While outside the gate of his high house towering, there Baskara who for hours and hours and hours and silent in the car. The young man came not because he was worried Sabiru would not be sent home safely, but rather worried that Fabian might fall down and need someone to hold his arm so as not to fall.

Seriate