If Only
Deep sorrow

Last night, Fahyan really realized from his long sleep. Does God hear my prayer? Maybe so. Now Fahyan can punish me and that means he'll be cured. I helped her sit down to eat and now I'm feeding her big baby Haris and Aunt Dona. Aunt Dona had not stopped hugging Fahyan with a smile that continued to be seen.

"She open your mouth" I asked. Fahyan immediately complied and it made me smile widely.

"So let's go shopping" he asked enthusiastically.

"Can. But you have to heal quickly" I said while putting a mouthful of porridge in his mouth.

"Yes dear. You have to heal okay" said Aunt Dona. Fahyan nodded innocently.

"So I want to walk" Fahyan said. Me and Aunt Dona looked at each other. "Mama's too" he added. Aunt Dona nodded and agreed to her son's request.

[The hospital]

Me, Fahyan, and Aunt Dona were sitting in a long chair behind which was a vast expanse of sea. Fahyan kept quiet and kept holding my hand and Aunt Dona.

"Where's the surprise for me, brother?" Ask Fahyan to protest. I rubbed her hair softly.

"I'll give you a surprise but when you're cured, we should be able to walk to the beach too, right tan?" I asked Aunt Dona. Aunt Dona just nodded then smiled a little.

"I'm tired, I don't want to go anywhere else" said Fahyan lirih. "It looks like I'm sleep deprived" he added. I was stunned while Aunt Dona was already sobbing a little.

"What are you talking about? If you're sleepy, why ask for a walk?" My toot. I pinched his cheek in an angry manner. "Let's go back to the room" take me. But Fahyan refused.

"I think I've had enough of love in this world, papa, the mother who loves me, and the brother who must have been silent also loves me, many friends and also a decent life" Fahyan. He sighed. "I don't know the reason why I'm here, because in the end I have to go too. Eventually people will get hurt and cry for me" he added. Unknowingly my tears are dripping.

"Are you done talking?" Just pissed. I took Aunt Dona's hand. "Tante, please tell him to stop talking that way" I told Aunt Dona. But he was crying more and more.

"I don't know but I still want to be here, feeling more love, but I think I'll look selfish later" Fahyan said. "I want to see people around me happy even without me, even when I'm not here anymore you have to know that my love will remain eternal" he added. "You, mama, papa can't be selfish. Crying is as good as possible, but I beg you not to be late" he said then smiled, and finally I cried feeling my chest like stuck in dozens of thorns. I began to understand the meaning of his words. A thousand times I tried to think positively, but in the end I knew, Fahyan wanted me to let go.

It had been 15 minutes after Fahyan asked me to stroke his hair. Fahyan leaned his head on Aunt Dona's shoulder that had not stopped crying. He said he wanted to sleep for a while so I let him. I felt his grip that was on my palm slowly weaken. I also felt his hands getting colder.

"Fahyan" call me soft. Is he asleep? I thought because there was no answer. But when I saw Aunt Dona crying, I realized. "Fahyan" call me again. "Tante, Fahyan" I tried to resuscitate Aunt Dona. But he just raised his hand hinting that I should let Fahyan rest. I'm not stupid, I know what that means. I cried with a stifled voice. I hit my chest to remove the tightness that was becoming. I should have been more sensitive to what he said just a moment ago. I should've hugged her tight, and told her not to go. When she said I was silent about her, I should have said yes. But I regret it now. He was gone before he heard the words he wanted to hear.

[Cemetery; ahead of the afternoon]

   After taking care of everything, the funeral took place. The weather was clear, it became cloudy for a moment. Apparently not only me, the sky was also grieving for his disappearance. My tears dried up again after the last time I cried over my father's departure some time ago. I saw Aunt Dona who was still covered in tears, I immediately walked up to her. When he realized my presence, he immediately hugged me and his cries broke even more. I stroked her back gently, hoping I could ease her pain.

  When it's done, when everyone's gone and only leaving me, Bian, Aunt Dona and also om Haris.

"Since when?" I asked in a voice that sounded raucous. The three looked at me. "Since when has the disease been in his body?" Ask again.

"Sofi ...." Call Bian. I know he's trying to prevent me because of an unsupportive atmosphere like this.

"Why do we let Fahyan fight alone?" I asked who came back crying. "I don't want to be selfish, but why don't we try to help her?" Ask again.

"Fahyan never told Aunt Dona or Haris" Bian replied. I immediately looked at him. Bian nodded. "Tante Dona and om Haris they don't know it. Fahyan chose to go to the dormitory, he chose to continue his education outside and away from his parents" said Bian. "You may ask why I know everything, but all you have to know is that he doesn't want to make us all sad to see him tormented by his illness" he added.

"Why didn't Auntie and Haris find out from yesterday? When Fahyan started getting sick?" Many protests.

"We have known since the last three months, when we got the news that Fahyan fell ill" replied om Haris lirih. "At that time, doctors sentenced Fahyan to only last three to four months. We persuaded him to do chemotherapy but he always refused and said he would be fine" he added.

"We always pray for his recovery ... But we realize, without effort all will be in vain. We try to give our love to him as much as possible, so he will not lack love while still with us" said Aunt Dona. "God left her as the most beautiful gift, she was like a tiny baby who even just looking at her was enough to make us happy. But today, God took it. We always thought the doctor was a liar because we were sure Fahyan would always be with us, we were always sure Fahyan wouldn't leave us, but today ...." Aunt Dona stopped talking because her crying first exploded. Om Haris immediately hugged her and tried to calm her down. I looked up at the sky trying to prevent my tears, but in fact my heart still hurt. I closed my eyes and squeezed my chest which felt tight.

***

When I was coming home from the funeral, I saw Zoya's car parked. When he saw me, he ran and hugged me while crying. He apologized for being late to learn what happened here. Brother Zoya and Bian drove me home. Arriving home, I was immediately stunned when I saw the birthday decorations I had ordered yesterday. Again, sister Zoya apologized for her employees who had decorated the room and she forgot to preach it. I said it's okay because anyway today remains his special day. They keep me company. Suddenly someone entered with a box of cake, brother Zoya told his employees to bring back the cake but I prevented it.

"it's okay brother" I said with a smile. I took the cake and opened the box. Her name is beautifully engraved there, I smile even though my heart hurts. I wiped the rest of my tears and looked at everyone. "We can blow out the candle now" I said with a smile. I took a match and lit the candle. Fahyan said that even though his body is gone, his love will remain eternal. And now I will live with the rest of the love he has given me all this time. I close my eyes and hope that after today, the sky will be bright again, the sun will shine brightly like Fahyan who will always shine in our hearts.

..."The clear sky that accompanied your presence 21 years ago, right on this day, it turned cloudy, creating an atmosphere of deep sorrow ...."...

...Fahyan R.I.P Irham...

Seriate.....