Pamite
16. The Light in the Dark

The car drove slowly as soon as I got to the front passenger seat. I saw Anang who was still standing on the spot staring at the departure of the car I was riding in.

After advancing a few meters, Jaka suddenly stopped his car.

"Are you okay?"

This is what I hate, I hate it when someone asks me this when I'm not okay.

"I'm okay, do I look okay?" ask me to vent.

"Cry now, don't hold it. But until home later you can not cry again, if your child sees how?"

Without warning I drowned my face in both palms, I cried as I could. My promise to face it strongly and firmly is not as easy as I thought. I thought if I was numb, I thought I'd be okay, but I wasn't. My heart was beyond pain, however, I knew Anang for over ten years. Lots of memories in it. As sick as I am, I can't possibly take away the memories between us.

The shadows to my three children began to dance on the head. I'm sure I can support them, I'm not afraid of that. Just one that I was worried about, what would I explain to them if they asked. Moreover, Alif is currently a child and at the age of five years he must lose his father figure.

Not yet after I cried, the car drove back. I didn't budge, still hiding my face in the palm of my hand. I couldn't stop my crying, so I just kept going. I don't care if I see Jaka. A guy I've known for a few days.

"Down" he said shortly afterwards.

I wiped my wet cheeks, then looked up a little. I looked around strange to me.

"Where is this?" tanyaku looked at Jaka with a fretful look. I was afraid that this man would do something, considering that it was already night and why he was taking me to a quiet place like this.

"Don't think about it first. I won't do anything, I'm still sane. We're at the lake, it's a little dark. Not scared, are you?"

I'm still quiet, I'm confused as to what those nights are to the lake.

"Don't be afraid, Yu. I want to give you a tutorial to reduce the burden on your head. Follow me, God willing in this simple way you will be a little relieved. Comeondown!"

I followed Jaka's steps from behind. Dark atmosphere dominates in this place, we only armed with a flashlight on Jaka's phone and moonlight that is up there.

Jaka and I stopped at the edge of the lake which turned out to be quite spacious. I've never been here before, I didn't even know there was a lake in town. The breezy wind, a little make my hair fly in an uncertain direction. I'm tidying up hair that's as messy as my life and my heart.

"Now you follow what I said yes. Take a deep breath and breathe out slowly through your mouth. Do it a few times, then shout as loud as you can. You can scream as much as you want. Only God and I hear your cry. Around you there are also some pebbles, you throw as many pebbles as you want. Put all your anger and sadness here, don't leave even a little for you to take home. Can you?"

I nodded while looking at Jaka's face which still showed his friendly face. Still a smile on his lips. Ah he is so good, God gave me this much testing but also brought good people for me. There are still things I must be grateful for whatever happens to me.

I started to follow what Jaka said earlier. Pull and exhale many times and then shout as loud as possible. I bent down and scooped up a small pebble and I threw it as far away and as tight as possible. I don't know how Jaka's reaction is to see me in this kind of fidelity.

After feeling tired, I just sat down with a breath of excitement. But true what Jaka said, I am much more relieved now. My burden feels a little lifted.

"Yes, thank you, Mom. Much better than before."

"Either. That's what I do if I feel at my lowest. You can give up, be sad, be angry, anything is okay. Make sure it is only felt for a moment. Can we give up? Of course I can. We are ordinary people, there is a point of fatigue as well. But make sure you get up again tomorrow with a new spirit. Was that your husband?" ask at the end of the sentence.

"Yes, he's my husband. We were almost seven years married. But he's...."

"Don't tell me now. The pain will be again. Whatever your problem, hopefully quickly resolved and you can be strong for children. Allah loves this to you surely Allah feels that you are strong, only you can get through it perfectly. Oh yeah, by the way you're pretty too when you're dancing."

"If not dandan mah ugly, mas."

"Not really, who said? You're sweet if you don't dance. There's still a lot of it in sight."

"Don't be a molly."

"No, this is serious. I've never been the same as any woman. Smile a little, as a sign of gratitude for being praised."

"Thank you" I said, smiling as Jaka wished.

"That's dong. What do you want to do here first, come home?"

I glanced at the watch attached to my left hand.

"Geez, eleven o'clock. Let's go home, mas. The kids are waiting for me. How could I forget this time?" I grumbled while wearing sandals.

"I'm sorry I made you come home late. No one is angry, right?" tanyaku.

"No, I told you that I'm a widower. What do you think that's kidding?"

I smiled awkwardly as the car drove by. I checked the phone and called Risa. It's rude, but I feel like I need to contact her.

"Ris, I'm sorry I interrupted those nights. I'm sorry also because I came home late and didn't tell you. Are the kids asleep? Are they fussing and bothering you?" I asked the question, the unpleasant and condescending taste spread to all the joints in my body.

"It's okay mbak. They were no fussy, had slept all of them, together sleeping in my son's room. If the little one I bring to the room, it's very nervous I'm with Anin."

"Thank God, I'm on my way home, I'll be there soon. Would I bother you if I went there now?"

"No mbak, this I also still recap income really, not rest. If you want to let the children sleep here is also okay, take it tomorrow morning."

"Don't dong, Ris. There-there are you. I'm picking this up, yeah."