IT'S ME YOU HURT
What am I supposed to do?

"Let's eat Na, it's still warm. This is me making chicken claw soup, your favorite." Ah happy, I feel like an unmarried girl with mom.

"Gina didn't eat mom?"

"This is what I want to bring to the stall." Mother pointed with her eyes at the basin that was being filled with soup that was still warm.

"Reva?"

"Morning Reva is gone, understand the office is far away. He won't be late."

"Ooh. Mommy Early in the morning has made chicken claw soup, was yesterday the mother of chicken shopping huh?"

"So before going to the market, I bought chicken meat with Feby, your schoolmate."

"Feby, which Feby is ma'am?"

"That's, your old High School friend whose piercings reached the eyes. Doesn't it hurt her eyes pierced like that?! Fortunately now he is no longer fond of piercing, but now doyan the same gold. If you look at him now like a walking gold shop."

"Oh." I answered briefly while laughing. Tumben mom tells people like that. Not like mom's style. Like mommy gossiping. Hehe. Feby was my classmate in 3rd grade High School but we weren't very close. She had her own community friends and rarely hung out with our other children. And in the last semester he disappeared like he was swallowed up by the earth. No one knew until we graduated from school.

After I finished eating I hurried to tidy up the dishes and other eating utensils.

"Reyna sit back, let's tell mom what's really going on?" Ask mom while holding my hand.

I felt an aura of tenderness and sincerity from her voice, making my heart calm and comfortable. I sat back down, took a breath and threw it away. I did it twice, gathering my courage to tell my mother the truth.

I told him about the reason I got out of my husband's house. About the affair and her plan to remarry. His attitude and his feelings have changed. About the attitude of my mother-in-law and sister-in-law during my stay there. I told mom everything, nothing I covered.

Maybe this is the first step for me, to be more open about how I feel about other people, especially my own mother.

As long as I spoke, she kept quiet while listening carefully to my story with her eyebrows sometimes wrinkled, but she said nothing or interrupted me.

"I'm confused mom. Is what I'm doing right now right?" I asked my mother. Yes part of me hates Mas Angga a lot, but some still expect it. 'Oh my God, I am a stupid woman. I've been enslaved by my love for Mas Angga. I'm upset with myself.' My mind is trying to make a fight.

"Hfffuhh" mother exhaled as if she had been holding tightness in her chest. Mom changed her sitting position, prepared to talk.

"Since childhood, you've always been a mother's pride and happiness. I've never seen you hit your sister when they were naughty. I've never heard you complain if your sister hits you or bothers you when you're together. Until the time you go to school, college, and work you never bother, even always be a pride of mother. I love you, son, with all of Mom's heart." Mother spoke in her calm style, but her eyes seemed to start to tear up.

"Truly I don't want to if the child that I love so much is hurt by others. Even by my husband." Ah, my heart aches hearing mother's words. My tears started to fall without me holding back.

"You too are now a mother, a child is the jewel of her mother's heart, surely you understand very well what mother's words mean." Mother gently wiped the tears on my cheeks. There was a sense of calm and peace when Mom touched me.

"But now you're an adult, and you have your own household. Think about what is best for you and for Ziva. Every decision you make brings regret. Choose a decision that brings a little regret! I only wish you the best for your life. Pray and seek guidance from the Almighty."

Wisely mother tried to leave all the decisions to me, because I am the one who will live my life later. All the burdens in my heart feel light when I can share them with the right people.

****

When I finished feeding Ziva lunch, my phone vibrated. I saw a message from Angga's mas number.

[Reyna. Go home! We must speak with a cool head in order to find the best solution to our problems.]

It's so delicious he. He's the one who makes the problem himself, but invites me to find a solution to the problem he's creating.

I started to dare to challenge him. Even if only through text messaging.

[Prepare. I'll come get you! We have to talk about it in person, not just on the phone.]

Thirty minutes later Mas Angga's car was already in my yard. Mas Angga stood in front of the house and said hello. Mom told him to come in.

"Come in, Angga boy. Have seat. Wait a minute, I'll call Reyna." Mom knocked on the door for a while and went straight into my room. I just put Ziva to sleep.

"Son, your husband is already ahead. Come out."

"Mom, how should I do?" I worry about the woman who gave birth to me.

"Choose the decision you think is best for yourself and for your child!"

"But I'm afraid to make the wrong decision, ma'am."

"Seek guidance to the Almighty. God is not sleeping, son. He must have heard your prayer."

"I'm picking up Ziva ya ma'am. He just fell asleep"

I kissed Mom's hand and left the room.

When I came out of the room, I found that Angga was sitting in the living room. He was busy with his cell phone. I was so busy I didn't even notice my presence.

Maybe he's cool with his little bitch. Ah, why does my heart hurt so much to see it, like there are dozens of nails stuck in my heart. My chest is back.

L saw. The man I love so much, the man who used to love me so much.

Somehow my mind went back to the good times when we were dating and just got married first. Ah, this heart hurts. Why it hurts so much, just by looking at it. My tears can't fall. I hurriedly removed it.

"Oh, are you ready Na?" Mas Angga was surprised to see me already in front of him.

"Where's Ziva?"

"He just fell asleep. I put it to Mom." I'd rather leave it to my parents, of course they'd be more trustworthy.

"Oh, yes. Come on."

"Hm." I followed him into the car.

All the way, we were silent to each other. There is no talk or even a stale base from Mas Angga even if just asking my situation, or at least asking about his son Ziva.

Yes, my husband has changed. His heart is no longer for me. Is that how quickly a man's heart turns?

Why does he still need me to find a solution? Does he still wish I would keep our marriage? Why, doesn't he love me no more?

'God give your servant guidance..'

All along the journey was a prayer I always prayed in my heart.