Love Bersemi In Turkey
I'm Really Disgusting

Just as I was about to fall, I felt like I was walking on the floor. I stopped and opened my eyes slowly. I look around. There's nothing. I'm still hanging on the bridge, almost falling. I closed my eyes again and again, before I actually fell. But again no, I felt the same way, walking on the floor.  I cannot open my eyes, I cannot.  I was afraid that something terrible had happened, if it turned out that I had fallen.

I ventured to open my eyes. It turns out I'm still standing there. Just like before, I heard a voice.  A distant voice but I can still hear it faintly.

"Are you really that low? God gave you this life and He's the only one who can take it. Don't do that! Your life will be better, believe me! God misses you."

It was like my own voice, but it sounded more sweet and cheerful. That voice echoed in my mind. I opened my eyes and looked around. There's nothing. No one said that. 

I climbed to the other side of the bridge and took a step back, putting my palm on my forehead. My head started to hurt, for some reason. It hurts, it hurts so much. I sat on the edge of the bridge, holding back the pain in my throbbing head. I could no longer bear to feel it, I grabbed my hair, trying to relieve the pain in my head. I've never felt this kind of pain. I'm still sitting, hoping this pain will soon disappear. But, it feels impossible. 

After a while, the pain disappeared slowly. And a few moments later, the pain was no more. As if, the pain just came and went. I opened my eyes and looked around again. There's no one. So where did that sound come from?  And what does that mean?

"Is there anyone here?" I'm yelling.  Nothing, still no one.  I saw my shoes lying on the bridge. I thought back to what I was just about to do and I soon realized.  I looked down from the edge of the bridge, the water no longer rumbled, no more rumbling as if calling out to me. There was only water flowing quietly and creating a sense of peace for the beholder.

I went back to thinking about the words that made me stop doing that ridiculous thing, I suddenly felt a pain in my chest.  How can it be that just by jumping, all my problems will be solved? How could I do that? What the hell happened to me? I stood up and walked home, as I remembered from there I had walked here, hopefully I did not go wrong.

I want to hurry away from that place. I want to quickly get out of there and forget the absurd things that just happened. I tried to find my new 'house', but I couldn't find my way.  Maybe it doesn't deserve to be called 'home' for me, it deserves to be called hell, because that's where I feel like I'm in hell. 

After about twenty minutes I was finally able to find the house. I saw the lights on. I scanned the house for a moment before taking a deep breath and stepping inside. 

I saw Vian sitting on the sofa smoking a cigarette. He didn't see me. In fact, maybe he didn't realize that I had been away a long time ago.

“Where are you?” He asked without looking at me.

I thought about where I was just from. But I immediately shook my head. I don't want to think about it anymore. And I don't have to tell him. Unfortunately, I couldn't help but tell him.  I want to see how he reacts if I kill myself.

"I want to kill myself. But it turns out you were unlucky, I failed to do so," I said in a tone as cold as his words. I'm very curious. I wonder what he will say. 

"So, I'm not lucky that you failed to kill yourself, am I?" said cold. Then he walked into the bedroom and closed the door in a loud voice. Then I heard him lock the door.

I took a deep breath, then stepped my foot towards the sofa.  I lay there because there was nowhere else to sleep. My clothes are very uncomfortable, but I can't do anything right now, even to change clothes.

I looked at the ceiling. I feel so tired, just through today. My head hurt again, making me unable to even just close my eyes, let alone sleep. Things like this happen often.  I don't know when was the last time I slept well, I don't know. Or maybe, I haven't felt it at all in a lifetime. The shadows of my past always haunt me and make me sleepless.

My eyes were on the desk and I saw the laptop. An idea came to my mind. I took the laptop. I put it on my lap, then I surfed looking for something I wanted to know.

I typed in a few words to find out about what had happened to me but everything that appeared was useless. I want to know what happened to me, why I can hear strange noises.

I am looking for a law of suicide according to Islam. I've covered some of the information on the laptop screen. Lots of people post their stories, explanations why someone committed suicide. That was enough to make me realize what I was just about to do.  I scrolled the screen down to look for more information. When reading the explanations about depression and the things they felt made me feel very sad. 

How could I do something like that?  If I kill myself will God easily forgive me, take away my sins? Nah! It's not that easy!

I went back through the writing for the sake of writing, I wanted to know everything. I clicked on a blog from someone who wrote about suicide. I started reading. 

When God gives us something bad, it means we are not asking God, we are not praying to God. God therefore misses us, He tests us to raise our degrees. Each exam is a process to get to a higher level. Just like the school exam, if we don't pass, we won't go to class. That's what I call a test.

I don't feel tears running down my face. How can I be so blind and selfish?  I will throw away the life that God has given me. For a moment, I felt better after reading that. Although I finally remembered my parents' words that I was useless.

I was immersed in those bad memories again until I didn't hear Vian coming out of his room. I looked around and saw the clock. It was morning, and I had not slept at all. 

"I'm leaving" said Vian without seeing me.  He walked into the kitchen and got some food.

"Do you want me to make something for you?" ask me I feel like making him some food so we can have breakfast together. Even if it's just a small meal.

"I don't want anything from your dirty hands! What happened to your face? Look at yourself" he chirped as he looked at me with disdain and stepped his foot out the door. 

I felt tears dripping from my eyes, but they were erased before they even fell. I was used to such words so I wasn't surprised when he said that. And besides, why should I cry for a statement that is indeed the truth?  I'm disgusting, aren't I?

I breathed while going to the bathroom.  Looking at my face in the mirror, I even felt afraid to look at my own face. I saw the bridal makeup that was still on my face, but it was already irregular, make up the straws everywhere.  My hair was also very messy and dangling everywhere.

I walked back to my husband's room and took my clothes from the closet. Strange, they put my clothes here, but I slept in another room. I immediately took off the wedding dress I was wearing and took a shower. I don't know how much time I spent in the bathroom.

***

It's late at night. I sat down and ate a little food. I know it's been too late to eat, but I'm used to eating late. I usually only get a little food for breakfast and sometimes not even dinner. So, I had to sneak out in the middle of the night to look for leftovers that could still be eaten.

As I was about to go to sleep I heard the sound of the front door being opened. Then there was the sound of a knock on the step the next time someone came in, I knew it must be Vian. 

After that, a voice surprised me. I heard something break. I hurried to walk there to see him. It turned out that Vian almost fell down and the smell of alcohol gushing from his body stung my nose. It was so disgusting and made me recall my past. 

He's drunk and he's gonna hit me, I know that. That's what my brother always does. That's what my dad always did. My body trembled and began to sweat, but I ignored it. He looked at me for a moment, then stepped his foot towards me.  I covered my face with both hands, trying to protect myself.

He looked at me with wide eyes and then grinned.

“I can hit you until you die,” he said made me tremble.  I didn't move, I was afraid that he would actually do that. If I move or say something, he'll start.

"Say something!" he said it was rude, because seeing me was just quiet. Tears started to flow from my eyes. I slowly exhaled the breath that I was holding.

"What do you want me to say?" I said slowly. He just looked at me and tried to step into the bedroom but he fell down. I sighed while helping her up and then swept her onto her bed.

I was afraid that he would do something to me but it turned out that he did nothing. I took off her shoes and covered her body. After that I went to the living room that had become my bedroom, I lay down on the sofa and closed my eyes trying to fall asleep.