Lembayung Dusk
Postpartum Depression

Twilight

"Raclut? " I asked Lembayung who was leaning his head on my shoulder.

He nodded and then soon fell asleep.

We just landed at Zainuddin Abdul Madjid International Airport.

Now it is in a trip to Ampenan Mataram which will travel approximately 1 hour local time.

Because I've been contacting mom from yesterday, and she's waiting for us on her porch when we get to midnight.

"Rabeling.. " Mom immediately hugged Lembayung tightly with full haru.

"Moeuuu.. Ayung kangen mom.. " And my wife returned the embrace of mother no less tight.

"Capek huh? ayoo's in.. " Mommy just turned her head for a while towards me without reprimanding me.

Actually who's mom's son is me or Lembayung?

"Sit meang. momentarily make warm tea.. " Mommy passed to the kitchen and then shortly returned with a tray containing 2 glasses of warm tea and snacks.

I circulated the view.This room is still the same as when I visited my mother.

"If you've finished drinking, Ayung better rest yaa.. " Mommy said as she stroked Lembayung's mane.

"Dad mom.. "

"Yes, mom went to the room first. "

Lembayung also nodded while drinking warm tea while permeating her.

"Enready finished? "

"Mhhmm. Come on. I want to sleep, really sleepy! "

I led her into a small room next to my mother's.

"I'm sorry, the bed is small, it's not like your queen-sized bed. "

"Gapapa ko. I'm sleeping on the mat also willing if the sleep is with you.. " Lembayung.

"Smart dad wooed my wife. oh yeah, it's pretty hot.Would you use a fan? "

"Can.. "

We also slept side by side on the bed with a wooden cot measuring 1.2x2 mtr which is actually enough for one person only.Then I guided him to pray as usual.

***

"Monday.. " Mommy called me after I came home from the morning prayers at the nearest mosque.

"Dad mom.. "

"Mom wants to talk.. " Mom led me into his room.

"This is your father's address, which he gave when he left his mother. " Mom gave a piece of old yellow paper to my hand.

"Sorry mother because all this time never told me about your father.sorry mother who has never given you the love like mother to her child.. when you were a baby a few days old, even the mother had wanted to throw you away if papuq inaq did not prevent it.. "

Deg.

I was stunned to hear Mom's words.

The flashback

Mom Twilight

"Awhile... " Shouted inaq from the kitchen.

"Senjaaa... my son.. Why do you cry? mom should what? what should mom do? " I kept shaking that tiny body that just kept crying.

"Your son is hungry.Why don't you try your ASI! if not, it will not come out! "

"Already mom.. I tried but no one came out, no idea why! hyx.. " I started sobbing in anguish for not being able to breastfeed my son. "Try if there is Fatimah tea, he can certainly help In. and tell you what to do. " My complaint is to blame the situation.

It has been 2 days. Fatimah tea, and Mas Fadli brought his son Lembayung to the hospital in Mataram. The beautiful baby after a few days was born with jaundice because his bilirubin was high and needed more intensive treatment because he was born prematurely.

I lost the tea figure of Fatimah who always strengthened me in all conditions. My emotions have been unstable since I gave birth to Dusk.

There are times when while taking care of my son, suddenly there is a desire to hurt if he continues to criticize endlessly.

Sometimes I pinched her, hit her, and deliberately let her linger with a diaper that was wet from urinating too often. I am tired.I am tired.I lack of sleep and pain all over my body is still very felt after giving birth but I am faced with having to take care of a tiny baby who can not do anything. He could only cry deafeningly.

Not to mention the neighbor babbles that hurt not just my ears, but my heart aches every time they easily judge me.

"What kind of mother can't take care of her own child! "

"Where's her husband? "

"It should be forced asI can definitely get out! "

"Marijuana! "

"Eh. That's a child out of wedlock huh? "

"Thank you. It is your pain!"

"That's why a child becomes a mother! what kind of association! "

And there are many more sentences that without them knowing it does not make me strong to face a new phase in my life, but makes me depressed because I feel unable to be a good mother for my child.

Not her tough and eager to be healthy in order to care for the baby.. But I feel tired and powerless, irritable and angry both at inaq and at anyone.

I cried constantly, feeling restless for no apparent reason.And had a drastic change in mood. Smiling for a moment at my handsome son, but then a few minutes later sad and angry when he remembered his father.

I lost ***** eating or just not eating all day, my weight decreased drastically and can not sleep as well.

Once when bathing my son, whether on purpose or not. I find it difficult to think clearly, concentrate, or make a decision, I let him soak in his bathtub for so long that he shivered cold. Sontak inaq scolded me and immediately took my son to the nearest midwife.

Since then, I do not want to socialize with anyone.Closing myself from everything.I lost interest in activities that are usually liked..Despondent.

I often think about hurting myself and my child.

The peak of unstable emotions is one day because they can not stand it anymore.. The emergence of thoughts about death...

Yes, I wanted to end my life. Want to kill yourself. They hurt themselves slowly.

I have postpartum depression or postpartum depression which is depression that occurs after childbirth. It is caused by an imbalance of chemicals in the brain and is experienced by 10% of mothers who give birth.

(Postpartum depression is a more severe condition than the baby blues. 

After giving birth, the levels of the hormones estrogen and progesterone in the mother's body will drop dramatically. This causes chemical changes in the brain that trigger mood changes.

Plus, babysitting activities can make the mother unable to rest enough to recover after giving birth. Lack of rest can cause fatigue, both physically and emotionally, to eventually trigger postpartum depression. )

Seeing my condition getting worse, Inaq fled me to a hospital in Mataram. Be treated for a few days and treated by a psychiatrist. Perform various series of treatment, namely psychotherapy and drugs such as anti-anxiety drugs and antidepressants.

After going through all the treatment programs for weeks, my condition finally improved and I was able to go home. But inaq did not allow me to live with my son.I lived with my relatives in Mataram, while inaq took care and raised Dusk alone in Sumbawa.

***