Pelita Hati Bunda
My fear

❃❃✧༺♥༻✧❃❃

It's not easy to sleep from last night. Even all night I kept awake and could not close my eyes.

Until the morning can not sleep at all even if only for a second. Somehow but it feels very different not the same as when Aditya mas divorced me and can still sleep even if only briefly. But now?

The body slowly gets up and stands up, walking to go to the bathroom to refresh the face.

Not long and back out again. I looked towards Ara and she was still asleep. Thank God, I am happy because he is not fussy at all despite being in a new place.

The head felt really heavy, really dizzy but I thought it was just because I couldn't sleep all night so I just ignored it and rushed to go to the kitchen to make breakfast.

Not the kind of me who became the main intention to cook breakfast, only fried rice because there is only leftover rice overnight there are also two eggs and spices so there will be nothing to cook other than fried rice.

It was very sad because it could only give Ara breakfast like this, rice was only leftover from last night. Hem.. Forgive me, son.

Slowly the hands begin to work peeling off the seasoning and begin to cut it and after all are ready also to fry the seasoning.

At first I put the onion in, the hand kept moving but something happened. I'm just sick of smelling fried shallots.

My stomach feels like it's in a very uncomfortable stirring, all the contents in it like wanting to get out even though from waking up also haven't eaten anything.

"Astaghfirullah, what is this. Ughhhh..." I turned off the stove and ran to the toilet. Uncomfortable and makes me unable to bear if not immediately remove it.

Once again in the toilet, everything in the stomach comes out even though it is only water. It feels very uncomfortable just like yesterday fit still in the house of Mr. Devan.

"What's going on?" so confused because of what is happening to me right now.

But a moment later I was stunned to remember the very thing I didn't want to happen.

"No, it's impossible. I can't be pregnant, right?" my voice was so hard to get out of my throat.

It can't be happening to me, right? I only did it once with Mr. Devan and not for a long time but how could I possibly get pregnant. This can't happen, right?

I kept shaking my head in disbelief at everything that was on my mind.

After feeling comfortable and not too nauseous I ran out. I was in such a hurry and searched for a calendar that I stopped when I saw that there was a calendar installed in the living room.

The hand kept on moving around looking for the date where I should have gotten the monthly guest, and also the last monthly guest last month it ended.

"No, this is impossible," shed my tears after seeing the date on the calendar that I was supposed to have had guests about ten days ago. This is really impossible.

Although all has not been ascertained but why the tightness is immediately present and makes it difficult to breathe.

My heart beat irregularly with a limp body to lean against the wall because it felt unable to stand.

"It's impossible" I said again.

Why does it have to happen? If there's really anything I should do. Should I go back to Mr. Devan and say about this and hold him accountable?

Or, I should stay here. Hiding everything from Mr. Devan and raising myself without the role of father accompanied me just like Ara used to.

Tight and getting crowded. Should I have had two pregnancies without any male having made me get pregnant? Will the fate of my son be the same as the fate of Ara?

Oh God, it's not like being able to live if it all happens.

"No no, I have to confirm the truth first. It could be that I'm late for a monthly guest because I think too much or soy sauce. I have to make sure first. Yeah, I gotta make sure."

I rubbed the tears that had fallen down my cheeks. With trembling hands finally managed to dry the already wet cheeks and with a trembling body I was able to get back up straight without leaning against the wall.

"Mother, Ara is awake," I turned to look at Ara who was standing in the middle of the door and wanted to get out.

"Mother, why are you crying?"

Astaghfirullah, even though I had erased and dried the cheeks from tears but why was it still noticed by Ara. Is it really still clearly visible?

"Ti_no, mother just flickering. Mother just saw the calendar but did not know if there is dust in it, just hit the wind so it goes into the eyes of mother."

"The mother's child is awake, now wash her face until clean and also do not forget the attitude of the teeth also shower. Aren't you going to school?"

"Ara's really going to school today, Mommy?" Ara getting excited.

"Of course, you will take Ara to school" I replied with reassurance.

"Good, Mother. Ara's going to take a shower!" Ara immediately ran in again to the room and came back out with a towel.

It felt so happy to see such a cheerful Ara in the morning like this. Though I was very afraid that he would continue sulking to ask to return to Mr. Devan's house, but it was not. Alhamdulillahot.

"Mother, Ara shower herself! Ara is big!" Ara shouted but also directly ran to the bathroom.

Seeing Ara who had entered the bathroom I also followed her to make sure of all her needs. I've got everything ready.

"Mother out, Ara is already big," he said.

I chuckled at Ara who was so enthusiastic this morning, for a moment I could forget what made me almost frustrated earlier but seeing Ara's smile all seemed to disappear just like that.

I know that nothing will be lost and will return when this time is over. When I sit alone, everything will come back one by one and fill the space in my mind.

"Mother spout out!" once kekeuh Ara did not want to be accompanied make me also directly out and choose to go to the kitchen to continue making breakfast.

I've prepared everything so I think everything's safe.

For fear of returning nausea again when cooking I intend to wear a mask so that the same thing will not happen as before.

And sure enough, this way of me really works and finally can finish cooking the first breakfast in rented with Ara.

◎◎✧༺♥༻✧◎◎

Right, after finishing breakfast I take Ara to the kindergarten school in front of the house. Although still wearing ordinary clothes, but Ara was very happy because she could finally enter school and immediately had many friends.

Everything looks so good with Ara, they get to know each other and tell each other about what they've been through and what toys they like.

While I was, after registering Ara with the principal I hurried to leave for a while and also leave Ara with the teacher.

Ara also doesn't matter I'm gone for a while because she's already very happy to be able to make new friends.

Actually, I can't bear to leave Ara in a new place for her but I really believe in everything because there is also a rented mother whose son is also a friend of Ara so it adds me calm to go.

The first place I wanted to go was the Gudia company. I just want to give you a letter of resignation. Obviously I won't show my face to everyone who's there but I'll just give it to the guards.

And sure enough, after arriving at Gudia company by taking a direct motorcycle taxi I gave a letter of resignation to the guard.

"Eh, mbak Nayla. Haven't been in in for a long time, are you going to go in again, Mommy?" ask the guard who is certainly different from the purpose I came.

"No, Sir. Actually I came just to give you this. This is my resignation letter. Please tell Mr. Devan. And I'm sorry if there's ever been a mistake with you. Sorry, I'm sorry."

Quickly I leave because I do not want to linger here and later will be caught by Mr. Devan or maybe by Mika. I still don't want to meet Mika.

"But mbak?" it seemed that the guard was confused after receiving a letter from me and immediately left.

"Mom!" I heard the guard screaming but I ignored him and went back to the same motorcycle.

"Sir, please go to the pharmacy, sir. And after that take me back to school earlier," I asked.

I don't know why I was so curious about the outcome even though I wasn't expecting it. But I wouldn't know the results if I didn't check and this is the first step I have to take.

"Okay, ma'am," replied the motorcycle taxi driver and immediately drove to the place I said earlier.

'May this fear not be true. I don't want everything I think to happen. I don't want any bond with Mr. Devan, my inner being.

◎◎✧༺♥༻✧◎◎

Seriate....