Pelita Hati Bunda
Dilemmas

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My body trembled but limply like boneless. Eyes rounded bright but with tears that slowly began to pour slowly but increasingly swift.

The body staggered and hit the wall until it slowly began to degenerate helplessly and fell just sitting on the bathroom floor.

How is this possible?

Something that I really didn't expect has happened to me. Line two of the testpack provides clarity that makes my chest feel tight as if squeezed by rocks that are so big.

My chest tightened and my breathing began to sting hard for oxygen to give freshness to the lungs.

What other trials are these?

"Gurghhh!" a painful stifled scream came out of my mouth after finding out that I was really pregnant. I'm pregnant with a child from Mr. Devan who I want to stay away from.

Not enough of all the tests I have received, God?

How can I think positively of God and all the destiny he has prepared for me if it continues like this. Again, a very difficult test came to me.

With whom I will complain now, with whom I will share the suffering that has come. Either it's a grief or maybe it's a love I don't really know.

If this is Likes, why in this way is his coming. Why not come when I have properly belonged to a certain man with a clear status, but this?

The world is collapsing now. It feels really unable to live all that has come with alternating. When will I get real happiness that is forever not just a moment and full of falsehood.

Who should I blame? Me, Mr Devan or God and also his destiny?

I clearly felt like I had not received justice in a moment. What mistakes have I made in the past until everything changed like this.

Am I guilty and guilty of being angry with God? Am I wrong and sinful if I think negatively about his destiny?

How could positive thinking come if everything that happened felt so stifling like this.

What if I turned away from His way, turned away from all His majesty, and even turned away from all His righteousness.

Everything is so unfair to me, it all seems to play tricks on me as well as my destiny. At first it gives happiness so high but after dropping to the lowest place among the injuries that are difficult to treat.

"Araghh! This is impossible, this is impossible!"

My cry broke out as the brokenness that again gnawed at the spirit that now only remained lethargic that unconsciously seemed to be heading to a place of despair.

Is it true that I am desperate for my life?

I kept wiping my face that felt very dark and wanted to explain it. A face that feels very tired and wants to strengthen it. A face that feels full of sorrow and wants to try to bring his happiness again. But, can it still?

Not believing but this is the reality, the reality that has happened and cannot be changed back in any way.

"What should I do?" the crying became more and more helpless.

If my Ara_ knew what she would do when she saw me like this, she would be sad or even scared.

It was fortunate that this was still in the morning blind, so Ara had yet to wake up from her sleep. Even the surrounding situation is still quiet.

I feel like my head is breaking feeling all this.

Now, not only would it be humiliated again but it would also be massively humiliated if anyone knew I was pregnant out of wedlock.

No more evidence will explain the status that will be able to defend me because there is no status embedded in my life.

Back then, when Ara I still had a gun to prove that I was pregnant because of my husband, but now? What am I going to prove to everyone? What would I tell everyone if they asked the truth of the father of this child in the womb?

Do I really have to go back to Mr. Devan and say everything? Asking him to take responsibility for the child I have borne that is his flesh and blood?

Would he believe it, what if not?

So many thoughts came, so many fears that also enveloped and seemed bigger.

Or do I have to abort this innocent baby so that all this trouble ends?

But, if I did, wouldn't I be just like a murderer? I even killed my own son.

Animals alone would not have the heart to hurt or kill their children, how could a human being created so perfectly with the mind and heart be able to do all this. Where is that sense?

Undergoing pregnancy without the presence of a man who has made pregnant will not be easy I have felt what it was like when pregnant Ara first.

Painstaking in the responsibility of all desires must also be realized by themselves.

Not only thinking about his health and safety but also having to think about how his needs and future.

"Gurgh!" I screamed again because I was so frustrated. I pressed my head so hard because it felt so dizzy thinking about everything. It's getting painful.

Tok tok....

"Mother, mother in the bathroom huh? Ara wants to pee," Ara's voice that still sounds typical raucous wake up surprised me.

I wiped the tears and quickly moved even though it felt very lazy.

"Mother, mother again why not answer, mother is fine right?" again and now harder than ever.

"Mother, spout! Ara could no longer hold it!" Ara sounded already completely unable to bear, her voice had also been holding something back.

"C_yes!" my answer is only short.

After making sure my eyes and cheeks were dry I opened the bathroom door and Ara went straight in without looking at me.

"A long delay anyway" he protested even though the eyes did not see.

"Sorry mother Yes," I came out of the bathroom and let Ara do it herself because she was used to it.

I should be grateful with mbok Darmi who has taught Ara to always be independent and able in any case.

I sat in the middle room on a wooden chair with foam on it. Trying to win myself and thinking what path I should take.

It is very interesting to say to Mr. Devan about all this but when you remember the words of Mr. Abraham who is full of disappointment it will not be until.

Mr. Abraham seemed very angry not necessarily he would accept me and admit the child I bear is his grandson, the son of Mr. Devan.

But if not! Am I really going to be able to bear all the suffering again like before? Am I willing to fight alone and live it all by myself?

Fighting for this child and also fighting for Ara? What if I can't meet all his needs.

I know, every kid will bring his own provisions since he's been around. But everything will also feel heavy to live also will not be easy.

My God, this dilemma really makes me dizzy.

Show the best way, which will be happy and will not harm anyone.

Not just me, but all women will feel the same if they experience things like I am now.

Sad, broken and desperate. Obviously everyone will feel this.

But, I tried to be calm, tried to accept the situation and make peace with this fate which is even though very painful. I have to be strong.

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Seriate....