So In Love
EP. 82. Without You

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Shanna opened the door wide, trying to find a figure in bed with a thick book in her hand, or sometimes she was sitting on a desk chair while focusing on her tablet.

But the figure was not found. He only found a large room with all the items neatly arranged like a museum.

Shanna suddenly imagines Shien reading a book on the sofa, then Shien throws a jutek look at her for suddenly coming into the room and disturbing her. Shanna suddenly misses the girl yelling her name in annoyance at making the girl's room fall apart or for having already managed to annoy Shien by making her room noisy because Shanna is screaming singing her favorite K-Pop song.

Shanna smiled bitterly. He missed his brother Judes.

Never once in her heart did Shanna expect something like this to happen to Shien. He did say something really bad to his sister, but Shanna didn't really want that to happen, really.

Shanna circulated her gaze throughout the corner of Shien's extremely quiet room. Instantly all the bad things he had ever done to Shien swirled in his mind. He had already hurt his own younger brother so much, even what caused Shien to have an accident was indirectly himself, because of his actions. And worse, the girl is now in a coma. No one could persuade him to get up. God is holding him back, not until when.

“. . . . You will still be a froth in the ocean, just like the Mermaid Princess.”

“. . . . If you can also go from this world!”

“I'm just talking, Shi.” Shanna said softly as she remembered the cruel words she had once thrown at Shien. He sits limp on the edge of Shien's bed, which still leaves the fragrant aroma of the mixed perfume that Shien usually wears. “I'm wrong. Quickly go home before I scramble your room.” Shanna threw a pillow in any direction.

Shanna could no longer hold back her cries. The cry that for two months in his detention because of pride in the self that continues to try to reject the guilt. But Shanna can't take it anymore now. Shanna could no longer escape the guilt.

Shanna opened up again the gift box Shien left in her room two months ago. A chain bracelet that looks sweet with accents of stars and pearls all around it. He smiled at the bracelet before turning to a small rectangular piece of paper tucked inside the jewelry box.

Shanna reread the letter that Shien left behind.

The apology gift.

Sorry for taking the person you like.

“No, Shi. You don't call anything from me.” Shanna shook her head sadly. After all the bad things he did, Shien still thought about apologizing and felt that he was guilty.

If I give it back, can we go back to how it was?

I love you more than anything, you’re my soul. I don't want you to change, Brother. . . .

Oh God. Does he deserve to be called a sister?

Shanna was anxious to scream right now and said that Shien should not return anything because he never took anything from her.

Shanna was really sorry. Regretting being blinded by obsession until he could do something bad to his own sister.

“I love you too, Shien Shanna's whisper was weak, her voice choked together with the paper squeeze in her hand.

Shanna hurriedly wiped away her tears upon hearing the ringing sound of Shien's room door. Someone opened it from the outside.

Bi Sumi's. The woman who served as a housekeeper was surprised to see someone in the room he was about to clean.

“Non Shien? Non Shien is awake?” Seemed a smile as mixed as an expression of disbelief adorned the woman's face.

“I Shanna, Bi.” Sahut Shanna smiled faintly as she put the jewelry box Shien gave back into her bag.

“Eh?” Bi Sumi blinked at the confused as well as more surprised when she heard the girl in front of her was Shanna. Shocked that Shanna had come home after two months away from home unable to bear the guilt of what had befallen Shien, and surprised that Shanna's appearance was different from usual. Shanna's hair was not painted colourfully anymore, but was left black. This was the first time Bi Sumi had seen Shanna's black hair since the girl was a teenager.

Maybe because lately Bi Sumi often shadowed Shien's face, so he was a little dazed to distinguish the two twins. In fact, Shanna still gives a differentiating touch that is by still letting her hair long.

There was no point in Shanna changing her hairstyle. It's just that, Shanna wants to turn into a better person, both her heart and her appearance. He also did not dress sexy and went to the nightclub again.

“Non Shanna, huh? Sorry, Non, Auntie Guess Non Shien.” Bi Sumi said a little clumsy. Shanna just smiled and said it was okay.

“Non Shanna has lunch? Aunt ready now, huh?” Barat Bi Sumi, but Shanna quickly shook her head.

“Still, Bi, no need. I ate before I got here.” Sahut Shanna's. “Mama same Papa must be in the hospital, yes, Bi?” Ask later with a sad face. Shanna actually already knew because she saw the state of the house that was quieter than usual. But he asked just to be sure.

“Mothers every day in nemenin Non Shien hospital. Sometimes I go home to get clothes. If you, usually come home from the office stop by first to the house, continue after that back to the hospital. Every day they nanyain Non Shanna go home or not. So advice Aunt, Non Shanna don't go-go again.” Said Bi Sumi who also felt the difficulties of her employer. On the one hand having to take care of her weakly lying child in the hospital who somehow regained consciousness, and with Shanna's departure from home, their worries grew even more. In these conditions they should gather and strengthen each other.

Shanna nodded with a forced smile, feeling quite stuck with Bi Sumi's words. Mama and Papa might need some other power right now. But in their toughest moment, Shanna even added to the burden of the minds of her parents who are now no longer young. But, Shanna did not dare to face them. He felt very ashamed of his actions which had been very outrageous.

Would Mama and Papa scold her if she met them later? Will they accept the mistake that Shanna just did?

Such questions filled Shanna's mind, adding to her fear of confronting Mama and Papa. Especially Shien. Shanna didn't even think that the girl would forgive her.

Just like the Sky, the accident that happened to Shien was such a huge blow to him that Shanna felt so bad and inappropriate to meet Shien, even though deep down Shanna was eager to see Shien. He wanted to know how Shien was doing firsthand because he had only been informed by his cousin, Aigo, who once a week visited Shien to the hospital.

“Then, Auntie excuse me for cleaning Non Shien's room first, Non.” Pamit Bi Sumi moved towards the balcony to start cleaning from there shortly after Shanna nodded her head in response.

********

Actually, Shanna had no intention of coming to the hospital. Shanna really wanted to leave after picking up all the clothes and stuffing them into the suitcase. Shanna has already bought an apartment next to Aigo and intends to leave the house forever. Shanna is too embarrassed to stay one more roof with Mama, Papa, and also Shien after she recovers later.

But, Shanna was also very eager to see Shien at this time, so she ended up taking her car to the hospital even with a doubtful mind.

In front of the door of the ICU room, Shanna again hesitated to decide to enter or not.

Shanna was fixed in place while looking at Shien from behind the glass. It appears that a Doctor and a Nurse are installing a hose in the abdominal area that Shanna does not know what its function is for. But Shanna guessed it was some kind of permanent food hose, one of the tools used to prevent coma patients from starving or dehydrating. Shanna had seen such a thing in a Korean drama.

Shanna could barely hold back her cries anymore when she saw the various medical devices used as Shien's life support, clinging to Shien's body as if they were her second shirt.

The brother who is usually super tough, never complained even though he was sick, and still can do everything before, is now as weak as it was because of his actions. Shien was now more fragile than a baby. He's powerless. Even to breathe, Shien needs a tool.

Had he taken a step back and let Heaven loose according to what he had told Shien back then, it might be that Shien was still with him at the moment.

It would be much better if we saw our loved one smiling happily than to see him in pain like this.

Unfortunately, Shanna noticed it too late. Too late, maybe.

Shanna suddenly saw Mama walking towards her from the reflection of the glass, making Shanna panic a little and prepare to run away. He had already let down his parents and sister, and Shanna felt that she was not valuable enough for them anymore.

“Shanna?” Call Mama a little hesitant, make Shanna's step stop.

Although Shanna's appearance was much different from usual, but Mama knew the body posture of her eldest daughter even though Shanna had her back. And there's one more thing that makes Mama sure it's Shanna. The bag that was stuck on Shanna's shoulder. It was the only one in the world, as the bag was ordered with a special design by him as a gift of Shanna's twenty-third birthday, five years ago.

“Do not go again, Shanna.” Mama quickly grabbed Shanna's wrist.

Shanna turned her body with her head down, not daring to look at Mama who was already looking at her.

“Shien needs you, needs our support. So Mama asks you not to go again and stop blaming yourself.” Mama added, but Shanna just fell silent with her shoulders shaking slightly along with her sobbing.

Seeing that, Mama then took Shanna a little away from the position of the ICU room and invited Shanna to sit on a chair that lined rarely on the edge of the hospital aisle.

“Why isn't Mama mad at me?” Shanna asked with a slightly hoarse voice, still with her head lowered and melted tears increasingly flowing down her cheeks.

“I've done something outrageous with Shien, he's like this because of me, I've fucked you all. But why isn't Mama mad at me?”

Take a deep breath, then exhale quickly. Mama then gently raised Shanna's chin until now her gaze met with Shanna's eyes that pacified. After that, Mama hugged her while gently stroking the girl's hair.

“Nobody is angry with you. Mama, Papa, or Shien.” Mama as soft as a fairy.

“But I. . .” Shanna was even sobbing in Mama's arms, so she had a little trouble continuing the sentence she wanted to say.

“And no one is wrong you.” Sambar Mom. “What happened to Shien the same, it was purely an accident.”

“But if I hadn't disturbed the sky back then and all the bad things I'd done with Shien before, maybe Shien wouldn't have bothered me, Ma.” Shanna said, remembering the sins he had committed against Shien. “I've become a bad sister.”

“You are guilty of the same Shien, but the accident and the conditions that befall him at this time, it is not your fault.” Mama reaffirmed.

“That's because of me, Ma.” Shanna was angry. “Mama should be angry with me because it's evil with Shien, keep driving me from home, ask not to be close to Shien. I'm entitled to that, Ma.”

“Udah, Sha. Mama please don't blame yourself again for everything that happened to Shien.” Mama said as she rubbed Shanna's back to calm down.

“With you dare to admit your mistake and want to fix it, it is enough.” Imbuh Mama's.

Most parents will and always will. How hard or heavy the mistake of his son, they will try to understand and accept the mistakes made.

“Where can be enough with it, Ma?” Shanna did not agree to withdraw until there was a little distance between Mama and herself. “I should replace Shien's position or die, or-”

“Shanna.” Mama cut off Shanna's words that sounded disgraceful. He really did not like Shanna who spoke carelessly.

Slowly, Mama grabbed both of Shanna's hands to hold her. “You know. . .” He paused his sentence for a while while gently rubbing the back of Shanna's hand. “You know why Shien easily sorry Mama with Papa?”

Shanna fell silent in her sobbing, waiting for Mama to continue her sentence.

“Because Shien is not a vengeful person.” Mama continued, remembering Shien's cold demeanor but actually having a soft heart. “You are the only brother Shien has and the most beloved of all. So Mama is sure, she will definitely accept your mistake.”

“And it makes me feel like I don't pantes anymore to be her brother.” Shanna said with tears continuing to tear.

“Not you said yourself that all those mistakes can be fixed?” Mama reminded me of what Shanna said a few months ago, when she was in a state of despair and locked in guilt for ignoring Shien.

“Hem?” Ask Mama again while wiping the tears on the face of her eldest child who looks a little thin. Maybe Shanna hasn't been eating well lately. “So, it is better that we correct the mistake rather than continue to escape in depression. Yes, right?”

“I'm sorry, Ma.” Shien hugged Mama back. “Sorry because I did not take good care of Shien, sorry I did not care for Mama with Papa. .”

“Sssh. . .” Mama said as she returned Shanna's embrace. “Mama sorry. Now, you greet Shien there. She must have missed talking to her sister.”

********

Inside the ICU room, Shanna could not stem her tears as she watched her sister fall asleep with a peaceful face like a fairy, but was extremely pale.

Unable to speak, while holding back her sobbing Shanna simply clasped Shien's yet-to-be-kissed hand, as if saying all her apologies for what happened through that hand.

“Please wake up.” Please Shanna soft and hard-earned, so that sounds like a whisper. “For Mama by Papa.” Shanna closed her eyes for a moment accompanied by tears that came dripping.

Shanna kissed the back of Shien's hand which she had not removed earlier.

“I can’t live, if living is without you.” Shanna put Shien's hand on her wet cheek. “So, please get up, Shien.”

Just like the others who had come to interact with Shien, Shanna too could only speak for herself without any sayings from the girl who had slept defeating the sleeping princess.

Only the sound from the patient monitor was heard starting irregularly, and it obviously made Shanna panic. Especially when he looked. Shanna saw the grass cipher-like graphics on the ECG image on the monitor slowly flattened along with the decline in the number graphics that accompanied it.

Shanna was sculpting with a palm that felt as cold as the hand Shien was holding.

Shaking her head, Shanna could not see where the number was going down.

“Doctor. . . .”

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To be continued. . . .