Sincerity of Heart 2
Chapters 2. Maybe Not a Friend (Ara)

Arriving home. I saw my mother welcoming me at the door. I tried to smile as usual to cover my puffy eyes. I hope you don't realize I've been crying.

Ah, like her mother already knows. I could see his face when I looked at him.

"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" ask me gently. I'm shaking.

"Ara's tired of bun, Ara wants to rest."

"Don't want to tell your mom?" Mother touched my shoulder and looked at me full of affection.

"Mother come with Ara for a while" I said pulling my mother's hand to the room. I don't want Azka and Papah to know what happened.

"What's wrong? Alan's problem?" I nodded, and lowered my head as my eyes warmed up again.

"Alan will propose to someone bun. That woman is Ara's classmate, she's a model." I said starting a hiccup. When I said that, my heart hurt more. I heard mom breathing. Then my mother hugged me so gently. My heart is very calm, your warmth makes my heart calmer.

"That means he has found a suitable woman to be a companion for life. You don't have to criticize. God will replace a man far better than Alan. Maybe you guys haven't been a match." said mother stroking my head.

"Mother knows, from childhood we are always together. Ara likes Alan from the past bun, Ara thinks Alan is the same. But Ara was wrong, Alan only considered Ara a friend. Not more."

"Ara isn't pretty, Bun? Does Alan not like Ara because Ara does not pinter make up?" I said when I realized my appearance all along, it was very different from Jihan. I saw mom smiling. Am I wrong?

"There are you. Who says your daughter is not beautiful?Beautiful is not seen from smart make up or not. Come with me." Mother pulled my hand towards the dresser. Mother told me to stand up and look at myself.

"You see. Your eyes are pretty, nose pointed, natural red lips, thick eyebrows, adorable red cheeks that you like the most. What else do you complain about, right?" she said pointing at all parts of my face. I looked at myself very closely. Mother was right, I am beautiful.

"Beauty is not just physical. But here must also be beautiful." said mother again pointed at my chest. I turned my body around and looked into my mother's shady eyes.

"A woman's inner beauty is more important than her physical appearance." Mother pinched my cheek in a fit of anxiety. I understand now, that beauty doesn't have to be from the physical or the face. But this heart must also be beautiful. Mother is always beautiful. I also never saw my mother polish her face. Mother is naturally beautiful, and mother's tenderness makes us fall in love. Is papah also in love because of mother's tenderness? It is so sweet if you imagine.

"Ara understand now mom. Thank you." said I hugged my mother. The sadness disappeared instantly. From now on, I will be myself.

"Yes, don't be sad anymore. Now change clothes, after that help mom make a cake. Tonight we will go to grandma's house." said the mother.

"Really bun? Ok, Ara change clothes first. It's only two minutes." I said excitedly. I miss my grandmother, the one I love the most.

***

Looks like the sun is getting hotter. I looked up, sure. The sun is already above my head. It's just that the temperature is getting hotter. But I have to stay up. I have to help Grandpa spend his sales.

"Yok - ayok, bought the vegetables. Cheap festive, assisted his grandfather. Let's buk, the vegetables are so hot." I cried with enthusiasm. It has become a habit for me to help the grandfather who sells in front of the campus. It feels so good to be able to help others.

"Mas, this is the banana. Still sager, don't use preservatives. Cheap again, sweet again like me Hehe.. Becanda mbak." haggled me while teasing some passers-by. It seems like what I did was very funny. Grandpa laughed along. It was good to see my grandfather laughing.

"It's enough, son, it's hot. Grandpa's sales are over. Thank you son Ara always helps grandfather every day." said grandfather saw my appearance is quite messy. Sweat has flooded my body. Look, even the hijab I'm wearing is already very wet.

"Ahhhhhhhh.. Tired of money too? Great grandfather could sell this every day. Ara mah just knows asking for money equally papa." I said sitting next to grandfather. Grandfather was old enough, but he was still eager to make a living. I salute him.

"Please cake, while Ara has time. Ara's gonna help grandpa sell. Cake spirit." I said with spirit. I never lie, I'll keep helping grandfather if I have free time. Then I saw a beautiful circular clock in my hand. The time of Zuhr is almost here. I gotta go home. Grandpa's sales are few. I think I can leave my grandfather alone.

"Ah yes kek, Ara should go home first. There will be a lecture schedule later in the afternoon. Cake spirit, may it be easy to find. Assalamualaikum cake." I said goodbye to go home. I kissed Grandpa's hand and walked away.

***

After the classes I took were over. I intend to go straight home. There was nothing important that I had to do on campus. I opened the car door. Suddenly someone pulled my hand. I was so surprised.

"Alan? What the hell is playing pull. If Ara falls, how do you keep chafing?" my nag. Yeah, who else would've pulled my hand if it wasn't Alan. The bully of my life.

"I am the medicine. It's chatty." said Alan to my nose. Look how ugly he is.

"Youngaaaaaa... Alan's red fig cocks." I yelled inadmissively. My nose will be very red.

"Shhuut, don't shout. People will think I'm okay with you again" said Alan annoyed. I pursed my lips. Why is he upset. I should have been upset.

"What's wrong?" ask me ketus. I'm still very upset with him. Grep's! Oh my God what is this? Why is he hugging me. Whatdoes thatmean? I regained my senses, I pushed his body hard enough. This is wrong, he has no right to hold me.

"Ih Alan, don't hug Ara. Kasian knows Ara's future husband, cook yes rations you take. Alan's evil." I scolded a little backwards to get away from him.

"Ck, who's the guy who wants to be like a kid like you. Fuckin."

Is that true? No one wants to be with me? Why does my heart hurt so much to hear Alan say that. Am I too childish? My eyes are also starting to heat up. No Ara, you can't be whiny.

"Ra, I'm sorry. I don't mean... "

"No, Lan, you're right. Where there is a guy who wants to be with me, I am childish, chatty and kupel. Very much the same girl out there." said I wipe my tears that managed to escape defense. I saw Alan speechless. I don't know what he's thinking.

"Sorry I'm a crybaby?" carry me while smiling. I don't want to look weak in front of him. In fact, I am very weak.

"Ck, I'm sorry too" he said, hugging me. I was very surprised and immediately avoided. Maybe I wouldn't have refused Alan to hold me. Because in my mind, Alan is my future priest candidate. But it was wrong, it turned out that Alan was just a friend. Best friend I've ever known. Little by little I also began to learn from my mother about the relationship and boundaries between men and women who are not mahrams. I need to get away from her. Don't let this feeling go deeper. It's hard to get out of there.

Alan looked at me for a long time. I'm so nervous.

"You changed Ra, I noticed now you're avoiding me a lot. Did I hurt you, Ra?" the question from him made me flinch. So he realized that. I was trying to avoid it. But I don't want Alan to be disappointed. Quickly I shook my head.

"It's not so Lan, mother said we're adults. So we have to keep our distance, I don't want any misunderstandings if we get too close. I hope you understand." I said smiling. I'm trying to explain.

"I should be home by late afternoon. Congratulations on your success. May you always be happy. Assalamualaikum." I immediately left him. I'm afraid my feelings are getting messed up.

Staying away is my way of forgetting you. Distance cannot be as close as before. Our path is different. Sorry for having more feelings for you.

Huh, I took a deep breath. I try to counteract my turbulent feelings. I put my head on the chair. It feels so weird. Something is missing, something that doesn't know what it is.