I'm Just a Figurant
Ch 36 - I'm just a Figuran

I was in Alex's arms. I still didn't think we actually did it. This is even our first meeting in 10 years.

After completing his wish, Alex hugged my body tightly. I didn't move and waited. Hopefully there will be clarity from this attitude.

A few minutes I waited, but I did not hear those words. Until I heard her regular, calm breathing.

I looked up and looked at him. Alex went back to sleep. She fell asleep while hugging me tightly, making me coiled comfortably in her chest.

Ahh, maybe he's exhausted? Sleepy? Or is his head dizzy from being drunk? Maybe he'll talk about this in the morning? Yeah, I better wait for him to wake up.

I tried to close my eyes, but I still couldn't. I thought about my actions. They have done something very sinful. Adultery before the wedding.

How is our relationship going forward? Does that mean Alex will make me his partner? Marry me? Make me his wife?

Thinking of being Alex's wife makes me so happy. My heart's blossoming. I can't wait for Alex to wake up.

I hugged Alex back and stuck my head in his chest.

"I love you." I whispered with feeling. I closed my eyes, trying to sleep.

I almost drifted into the dream world when I heard quite disturbing noises.

"On!! Don't do that!! On!! Pleasee... Don't do that... At... Diana... Diana... Diana.." -..."

I jerked. I woke up and watched Alex closely. The man kept his eyes closed, but his mouth was delirious. He was unceasingly calling out the same name.

Diana... Diana... Diana...

Heart's broken. Completely destroyed. I felt like my life had collapsed. My world has fallen. This fact is more painful than it used to be.

My body trembles. I shut my mouth to hold my sobs. Tears on my cheeks.

I looked at Alex with hurt feelings. This wound is so deep and painful. I want to put a dagger on my chest so that this pain goes away.

It turns out I'm just a Figuran.

All my life, I'm just gonna stay a figure in Alex's life. I'm not there, not in his eyes.

Her life was filled with Diana, Diana and Diana.

All this time I've been fooling myself. Loving selflessly. I hope one day Alex will see me. But the truth is not like that.

Alex still sees Diana. In Alex's heart there's only Diana, there's no Khansa there.

"Huu... Humummmp... Huuo..." I smothered my mouth to hold back my crying voice. The pain gnawed all over my body.

Khansa stupid... Khansa stupid... Khansa stupid...

You are just a stupid girl who is too lulled with feelings. Being enslaved by your own feelings. You don't see the world right.

Khansas... You are just an ash hooligans. Did you forget about that? Do you think having a good job and a decent life makes you worthy of Prince Alex's eyeballs? No, it's wrong. Once become upik ash remains upik ash. It is impossible to become a princess. You stupid Khansa.

I'm cursing my own stupidity. I cried for a long time in silence. Crying over this terrible stupidity of mine.

Then I picked up my clothes and started wearing them slowly. I'm like a cheap woman who's been used by her customers.

I wear my clothes slowly. Trying to endure the pain of the former adulterous activity I did.

This physical pain proves that I did have an illicit relationship with Alex. But this heartache is more painful. I don't know if I can get up from all this?

After getting dressed, I looked back at Alex deeply.

"Alexes... I'll try to forget you. Sorry I've been among you. I'm sorry I made you betray Diana. Your heart belonged to Diana. Love Diana, I won't interfere with your relationship anymore."

"Thank you for your services first. Without you, me and my family couldn't be like this. Just think of my body tonight as the redeemer of my debts. Alex... Be happy..."

I approached Alex, slowly I peeked at him. My tears fell on his cheeks.

I left without turning around again. I came out of that room with a broken heart and body.

I booked a taxi online and went to the rental. All along the way I just cried and cried.

I'm really like the woman of the night who goes after satisfying her customers. Really a cheap woman.

Love makes me blind. It made me lose my mind and mind. All I saw was Alex, nothing else. I acted without thinking.

Now the rice is porridge. Our relationship will no longer be the same. I've given my chastity to the man I love, the man who belongs to another woman. A man who is not my husband.

Now that my body has been stained, it is no longer holy. I am not worthy of any man on this earth. It seems, for the rest of my life I will live alone.

***

I arrived at the rented when the time showed at 04.20 WIB. I went straight into the room and wrapped myself in a blanket.

I came back crying and crying. My body was shaking with tears. Crying my own stupidity. Crying over a man I can't have. I cry over the feeling I want to end.

Crying makes me tired. Tired from crying and the activities I did before made me unconsciously fall asleep.

I completely forgot it was Monday morning. The beginning of the complexity of the routine for workers like us.

***

I woke up when the time was showing at 14:15 WIB. I really slept for a long time.

I took my phone. How surprised I was to see 116 missed calls.

I don't know if my head's this stupid, but I wish there was a call from Alex out of 116 calls. But... Result nil.

The call consisted of Sizil, Andre, my leader and my other men. No new numbers came in. That means Alex really didn't call me.

The pain returned to my body. Not wanting to linger in pain, I immediately opened a chat that contained hundreds of it.

Message from Sizil I read first.

07.15: Mom? Mother where? Briefing is about to start.

07.30: Mom, late mom, huh? Ma'am, the new GH came today. Buruan comes ma'am, don't be late.

08.10: Mother, my goodness. This is the same meeting GH wants to start. GH is handsome loh Bu. Still young too. May his heart be as good as his face.

11.07: Mother!! Thank goodness I didn't attend the meeting. GH is really evil ma'am. His face is handsome, but his behavior is naudzubillah deh Bu. Almost all parts got sprayed ma'am. Thankfully, I didn't come in, so I didn't spray.

11.09: But Mr. Andre's kasian same Mr. Arif (BM) deh Bu. They're both in an all-out spray. It is not said to be managing the company. Even the GH wants to fire Mr. Arif Bu, my goodness...

And there are many more chats.

I read a chat from Andre.

07.13: Sha, I'm stuck in traffic. I sent ojol to the contract huh. You go to the office first, I'll catch up

07.49: Sha? You where? Why is ojolnya cancel orderan? The sha?

07.58: Sha, I'm meeting first. The new GH has arrived. If you don't come in today, rest. Later after work I stopped by the contract.

And many more messages.

I want to escape from all this. Escape from heart problems and also work. Where's he supposed to go?

***

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