I'm Just a Figurant
Ch 37 - Refuse Application

I decided to apply for leave. I need to get my heart and mind back.

I contacted my BM and expressed my wish. At first he objected, but because he knew I rarely applied for leave, he finally allowed.

I packed my clothes and put them in my suitcase. I'm applying for two weeks' leave. I'm going back to my hometown. A small town full of memories.

Without telling Andre or Sizil, I left that day. I use travel.

The distance between my city and Surabaya is approximately 190 km. It took me about 3.5 hours to get to my town.

I wear a mask and sunglasses, so it's easier to cry over my stupidity.

All along the way I always remember Alex. Our first kiss and first touch. Remembering the details we did that night. The memories made me cry again.

Suddenly I remember Andre. I have to be strict with Andre. After the leave, I'll reject the man's proposal. Or should I refuse now?

My body is stained. The person who became my husband should have been the one who took that away from me. However, even now I can't hope for her.

I'm not getting married. It wouldn't be fair to my husband if they had a wife like me. And so is Andre. It would be very unfair for him, to have my wife but my body and heart already belong to another man.

I decided to send a message to Andre. It does look very cowardly, but it's the quickest way not to hang the man's feelings for longer.

"Assalamu'alaikum Mas's. Regarding your question the other day, I'll answer it now. I'm sorry, I haven't been able to accept your application. Many things are a consideration. I want us to be good friends. Please find another woman who loves you. Sorry I answered your application via WA, sorry if I was too cowardly to say it in person. May we be good friends in the future. Thank you for how you feel all along. I really appreciate it. Again, I'm sorry..."

After typing the message, I immediately turned off my phone and enjoyed my solitude.

***

Almost towards Isha', I arrived at my city. My mom and dad looked surprised. They welcomed me with open arms. They hugged me incessantly.

"Anyway Nduk? Where's Andre Nak?" Mom looked clingy, hoping to see someone else beside me.

"Yes, myself, ma'am. Who else would you like to be?"

"Lho, I thought you brought Andre's son."

"We broke up, Mom."

"What?!" Mom took my suitcase and took it inside the house. He looked disappointed, and so did my father. "Why break up? You bickering? Why not solve it well?"

"The wrong chance, ma'am." Mom put my suitcase in the room and sat on the bed.

"Wrong what? Mother's daughter is never wrong. Mother's daughter has always been a sweet child who prides her parents." I smiled softly. Although only a stepmother, but Ms. Ina was very kind to me. She was a childless widow, so she really considered Me and Fian to be her own children.

"Khansa Bu's Bay..."

"Oh here... My darling..." My mother hugged me tightly. Kissing my forehead with my darling. I feel like I'm really loved.

"What's the problem?" tanyakanya.

"Nothing."

"Why is your face so sad, Nduk? Don't lie, I can feel it. Story on Mom, what's the matter?"

"There really isn't a ma'am." I shook my head. There's no way I'm telling you about sleeping with a man who's not my husband, is there? If my parents had heard about it, my father would have gone after Alex and told him to marry me.

"Mom knows you're an independent child. Always keep your own problems. All I can do, may God raise your problems soon. To make you our cheerful daughter again, cup..." My mother kissed me gently.

God will not forgive me. I have committed a great sin. Fornicate. I felt so ashamed and guilty about God and my parents.

***

It's easy to say you'll forget Alex. But the truth is not like that. All night I cried again. Feelings that have been embedded for years will not easily disappear just like that.

Alex got carried away, while I was lulled in flavor. We do it with a different feeling. I'm naive and I can't tell the difference.

Far from the city of Surabaya I think I can forget all the fatigue that happened there. But it is not like. My mind wanders everywhere. By dawn, I could close my eyes.

***

"Mother... Nduks... Wake up... Someone's looking for you. Nduk..." My body was gently shaken. I opened my eyes slowly.

"Ehm..."

"Wake Nduk. Someone's looking for you in front. You'd be happy to see it." Mom's voice looked cheerful.

The first thought that flashed through my head, it must have been Alex!!

Alex must be sorry for what happened that night and followed me here. Alex would have wanted to give me some clarity about this relationship.

My stupid thoughts started to wander. I started to forget about Alex again.

I sat down and quickly went to the bathroom. I washed my face with lightning and brushed my teeth quickly.

"I'm guessing, you'd be happy to see it. The proof of this is the mother's child's spirit once awake, hehe..." My mother looked at me while leaning against the bathroom door. Seeing my behavior while shaking my head.

My cheeks are red. I can't wait to meet him.

Finished washing my face and brushing my teeth, I immediately changed my nightgown to a casual dress that was nice to look at. I didn't have time to wear soflens, so the glasses remained perched on my nose.

I took a deep breath, then exhaled.

"Calm down Khansa's... Don't show that you're too enthusiastic. Just be normal, okay." I calmed myself. Calming my thumping chest is not bad.

Then I went to the living room, to see the idol.

I saw a man sitting behind me. He seemed to be engrossed in chatting with my father who seemed happy with his presence.

"The long-awaited star has arrived. Tumben-tumbenan wake up at noon. Usually dawn is always awake. Nduk, look who's coming." said my father.

The man turned his face away. And... A disappointment stirs me. It wasn't Alex who came, it was Andre.

"Khanza..." Andre stands. The look on his face looks wrinkled. His appearance was completely incompatible with her. Usually Andre is always neat, but this time he looks messy.

"Mas Andre's... Why is it here?"

"Ehem... Then, Mom and Dad will go to the market first. There are things we want to buy. Mom, let's go."

"Yes Well, wait for Yah..." Dad took Mom out. It seems like it wants to let us talk freely.

I looked at Andre very awkwardly. Andre must have come because he read a message from me. Stupidly, I forgot to turn on my phone again.

I sat on the chair hesitantly. Get ready to give a reason for my decision.

"Sit in."

"Ah yes." Andre sat in front of me. He looked at me deeply. There was a sense of disbelief and doubt on his face. He looks fragile.

"Sha, I've read your message. Can you tell me why, why did you reject my proposal?"

***

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