I'm Just a Figurant
Ch 78 - Relieving Feelings

Today is the third day he left. Still no news. I don't want to think about it, but keep thinking. Is this how Diana felt when Alex wasn't with her?

I feel wasted. Really not considered. Sometimes I can feel that Alex might love me a little, but when he acts like this the presumption goes away. I went back to being convinced that Alex didn't have those feelings.

That morning I had breakfast in my room. As usual, I'm like a bird in a cage. Winda was really watching my movements closely. There was no chance for me to escape his surveillance.

"The sinew must be strong, it must be healthy. Eat that much huh Dek..." I eat a lot of portions. I took all the vitamins my doctor gave me. I also don't miss out on drinking pregnancy milk.

"Mama is not sad or stressed, so Adek healthy continues to be son..." I stroked my stomach gently. Trying to calm my baby down and suggest to myself that I'm okay. I happy.

Ting... Ting... Ting... [Incoming message notification sounds]

I saw my phone. Hope to hear from Alex. The news I've been waiting for the last few days. It was not Alex who sent me the message, it was Sizil.

Sizil : Mom, I just accidentally saw the gossip account in igeh. How am I familiar with this figure?

Size: [sending pictures]

Sizil : Know Princess D is not mom? That artist and model who has not appeared in the media for several months. Suddenly came up with news that he was married? Know right?

Sizil : Yesterday the figure of her husband Princess D was kept secret, so many netizens who kepo.

Sizil: It was on the gossip account, he said there were netizens who accidentally stretched Princess D with her husband at the hospital in Sing*pura. There were also people at the hotel.

Sizil: I saw her husband's figure so familiar, Mom? How do I feel like Mr Yohan? Is that just my feeling, right? But there's no way Mr. Yohan, he's Mom's husband, haha. Well, sorry this early in the morning I've chekokin Mom with gossip, haha...

I read every message from Sizil. Every single word he wrote made my body tremble even more. I was afraid to open the photos that Sizil sent. Cold sweat began to spring up against me. Doubt and confusion. On the one hand I am very curious, but on the other hand I am also afraid to see the reality.

In the end, my curiosity won. Although with trembling hands, I did upload the photo and video.

There are some photos. In the first photo appears men and women are sitting in the garden of an RS. The man covers the woman's shoulder, while the woman rests her head on the man's shoulder.

In one look, I knew that woman was Diana. Diana did not wear a face mask. He just had sunglasses on his nose. Diana was wearing a knee-length shirt that fit on the body, so that her distended stomach was clearly visible.

What about the guy? Is that Alex? The answer is yes, the man is Alex. Although the man wore a hat and mask to cover his face, I could clearly recognize him. From his posture alone I have recognized him. I also recognized all the clothes he wore, because I prepared them for him.

In addition to photos in the park, there are several other photos of them such as photos when they are waiting for an elevator in the hospital. Photos of when they entered one of the hotels, as well as photos when they were sitting in the hotel restaurant.

I know they're a couple. I also knew Alex to Sing*pura to see Diana. I know all that stuff. But why does my heart still ache to see their photos strewn about like this?

Am I jealous? Envy? A spite? Pissed off? Getting angry? Saddened? Disappointed? What right do I have to have those feelings?

But, even though I have no right, this heart still hurts a lot. Oh, my God, I don't want to always get hurt like this. How can I not be hurt anymore? I know my risk of becoming second will be like this, but why is my heart still not sincere to accept all your destiny? Should I go again? Should I release it back?

I've done it before, but he managed to find me. Should I try it back? Where should I go, God?

***

After looking at the pictures, I decided to go to sleep. I want to forget everything. Remove all shadows of their affection.

By day four, my feelings were back up and down. Sleep doesn't make me forget everything. Sleep only made me run away from trouble for a moment, but once I really woke up, I remembered it again.

"Lady..."

"I'm Mom?"

"I want to get out..."

"I'm sorry ma'am, Mr. Yohan won't let me."

"I want to see the rice field..."

"Sorry Mom?"

"Paddy. I wanna see it. You can come near me." Linda looked doubtful.

"I can't escape from you. My stomach is this big. I don't have martial arts like you either. What are you worried about?"

Winda seemed to think about my words. I know his head is fighting. After a moment of thought, he finally agreed to my request.

He took me to C*l*ncing, North Jakarta. It took almost an hour to reach the area.

Seeing the rice fields reminded me of my small town, made me feel at home. Seeing that green space always calms me down.

I sat on the edge of the rice field, while Winda stood not far from where I was.

Like complaining to a mother, suddenly my tears flowed back.

"Huuu... Huuu... Huuu... Hicks..." I was crying to my fullest. Putting out all the junk in my heart. Crying over my stupidity and helplessness.

Alex, why can I love you to this extent? Why did I become a foolish and weak woman in front of you? Why do you always succeed in catapulting and hurting my heart?

Alex, it looks like I'm not strong anymore. This love hurt me so much. Please let me go. Let me be happy with this boy.

Alex... Please don't hurt me again. I just want to be happy, even though that happiness is not with you.

Alex, I know you won't let me go. I know you want to have this kid too. I know You also need Me as an outlet for your lust, I know all your reasons. For that, allow me to fortify myself of that hurt. Allow me to build my world with this child. Because, I just want to be happy.

For almost two hours I cried in that place. Satisfied crying, made me make a decision. I decided to ignore Alex. I won't care about him anymore. I will not be affected by his treatment of me. Only then can I protect my heart. Only in that way Alex won't be able to hurt me. I'll only care about my baby. I hope that my feelings will gradually die by themselves.

***

Happy Reading 🙄

Lanjoodd entaran ya gengs, heavy sleepy eyes. Finish typing this chapter at 02.34 WIB. Happy Eid al-Adha to those running 🤗