I'm Just a Figurant
Ch 39 - Pain

Andre seemed to be in disbelief at my words. But I tried to convince him. Make him believe that everything I say is true, but only a lie.

Andre looked at me sadly. He looked at me deeply. His eyes returned to tears. His lips seemed to tremble trying to resist the cries that would come back out.

Then Andre stuck out his hand. He held my head gently and stroked it.

"It's a shame we're not a match... I really want to make you my wife, the mother of my children. It's hard for me to accept this fact Sha... I've imagined our happiness later, with our children. Now it's all gone..."

Andre took my hand and held it. Tears flowed back on her cheeks. I cried, realizing the man's sincerity.

"Khanza... Promise me... You should be happy. You must be really happy Sha. I let you go to make you happy. Once I see You're unhappy, I'll take you back from him. Promise Sha..."

I cried again at Andre's words. I'm sorry, really sorry to have hurt the feelings of this good man.

"Yes, I'll be happy. You too, be happy. Find a woman who loves you sincerely. I'm sure a good guy like you will get a good soul mate." Not like this dirty me.

"I'll be happy if you're happy Sha. You have to be happy, Sha. Remember Sha, I'm giving up so you're happy. If you're unhappy, I'll fight for you again..."

"Yes Mas. I must be happy. He will treat me well. You don't have to worry, Mom." I lied very well.

After hours of trying to convince Andre, the man finally accepted my decision freely.

We parted well and decided to be good coworkers. Yet Andre kept his word, that he would approach me again if I was unhappy. I was afraid of the threat. I'm afraid to imagine if that really happened.

***

Andre returned to Surabaya when the sun started to set. My parents treated him very well. My mom and dad really liked Andre. It seems they wish I was a match with him. But I have made it clear to them that our relationship is over. They breathed full of disappointment.

After Andre, I was back in my room. I stared at my phone many times. I wish there was a new number calling me. But my hope never came true. Only the office guys contacted me, nothing else.

Sadness stands with. Alex really doesn't think of me. I was never really in his heart. Every time I remember it, it hurts me and I'll cry again.

I've been in my town for a week. My parents know I'm sad. They think I'm sad about breaking up with Andre. They tried to comfort me by moving my mind.

My mom took me to the market and cooked together. While Dad hugged me on a paddle bike, passing through the green rice fields that made the heart calm. Then We stopped at the edge of the paddy field. Sit there while enjoying the breeze.

"Sir..."

"Yes Dad?"

"Remember, do you often go to school?"

"Yes, very bad Dad. You see, every day, Dad..."

"Dad was very grateful. Dad's son went to school, went to college. Now my son has a good job, and he goes to the office by car. If you remember the past, this gratitude is never endless. I'm so grateful and proud to have a son like you and your sister Nduk. You managed to lift our degrees Nduk. Makes us live a good life in our old age. Thank you, Nduk..." Dad stroked my head with a darling.

Hearing Dad's words made me tear up. Father is so proud of me, yet I have committed a great sin that will be a disgrace for a lifetime. I feel so guilty.

"Dad... Hix... I'm sorryin Khansa... Don't hate Khansa ya Well... Sorry..." I hugged my father. I can't keep tears. It crossed my mind the look of my father's disappointed face when he knew my behavior. Because of blinded love I don't think about my parents' feelings. I really feel guilty.

Dad returned my embrace. Patting my back with love. Saying calming words.

"Where might you hate your son? My son is very proud. Never bother and discourage parents. Always do something proud. How could I hate a kid as amazing as you Nduk?"

I came back crying. I can't imagine, what would happen if Dad knew I made that mistake? I'll be very disappointed in you. I don't want to see his disappointed face. It seems I have to hide my mistake forever.

***

It's been two weeks. My cut time is over. It's time I came back to reality. Back to my usual routine. I went back to Surabaya, the city where I scavenged for fortune.

My brain tells me to stop hoping. But my stupid heart told me to wait. Every night I just look at her picture. The photo I got from the group.

The feeling of bitter, hurt but this affection is still there. I want to tear my heart out and cast a shadow of him from there.

Stupid details of tears bear witness that the shadow I can't erase from my heart. I still love her. How much she makes my heart hurt, but I still love her. I'm a really stupid woman.

***

I'm back to my old activities. I work as usual. It's just that the job target becomes heavier, because GH assesses our branch is less performing.

My relationship with Andre? I try to be mediocre, Andre did too. But the awkwardness is still felt.

Almost everyone knew We broke up and it became a warm gossip among Us. Many blame Andre. Accusing Andre of cheating and so on. No one accused me of guilt, because they judged I would never do anything wrong. I'm a good woman, a perfectionist and I never make mistakes.

And if they knew the truth, maybe they would push me to the bottom of the abyss. Makes me a daily gossip.

Andre protected. He justifies every question that comes to their mind. Blaming himself for our farewell. The guilt is eating away at me. But I can do nothing but be silent. I'm too cowardly to admit to the whole world that I'm the guilty one.

***

That morning I woke up in a bad state. My body feels jolly, my body is hot, my head is dizzy.

"Zil, I don't think I'm working today."

"Mother why?"

"Lack of feeling well. Your report is still being sent as usual."

"What's so good about Mom? Want me to pick it up? I'll take you to the hospital..." At the end of the call, Sizil looked worried.

Usually if I experience a little something troublesome, Sizil will throw it to Andre. Trying to get Andre close to me. But since I have now broken up with Andre, he has made himself my protector.

"No need. Let me take a break, Zil. It seems like menstrual symptoms. My stomach's a little cramped."

"Carely Ma'am? I can get permission to Mr. Arif, make a nganterin Mom."

"Yes, sure baby. I rest first huh. The report don't forget."

"Huh Mother. Still hurts just as much as the report. Yes Ma, yes... Get the report I sent. Yes it's met break Mom. Let's just say I stopped by the contract."

"No need..."

"Mother rest. Is there any food you want?"

I'm spinning my brain. The thought of food made my stomach churn. Does eating oranges seem like it would be good?

"Titip orange deh Zil. Thanks yeah. I'll rest first."

"Yes ma'am, met break dear mother..." And the call was closed.

I covered my body. Trying to dampen my merry body.

I rarely get sick. Maybe it's because I've been stressed for a few days. Added to the growing workload and the upcoming menstrual cycle. Yeah, I must have hurt because of that.

***

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